I had an idea to do a little series of posts about things I've learned and applied to my personal and professional life. I'll keep these posts quite short but hope someone reads something they can fit into their own life or they can use to good effect.
I'm the guy who says yes to a lot of things I shouldn't which is something that used to get me into a lot of trouble as a kid when some neighbour-kid said something like, "I bet you can't jump your bike over the creek."
I'd look at the creek, feel the passion for adventure stir, and say, "yes I can, you just watch me."
Trust me, I used to get fucked up a lot.
Fortunately I learned how to say no and I think it's a very powerful skill because no is often the right answer especially as one's circle of influence broadens and we move into adulthood and all it's complexities, temptations and bad ideas.
As someone who was brought up with manners and courtesy by parents who were adept at using both I learned how to say no in ways that used both elements and I thought I'd share a few methods I've used, and actually still use to this day. They're not one-size-fits-all but when learned and used at the right times - said on your own words and way - can make saying no a little easier and less of a let-down for others.
- I'm not able to do that, however thanks for asking.
- Regrettably I'll have to decline, I have another priority to focus on.
- That sounds amazing, but I'm already booked.
- I'm flattered you thought of me, although it's just not a possibility right now.
- Could we make another time, I'm sorry I simply can't make it.
- It's really not a good time, but I appreciate the offer.
- I'm honoured that you'd ask me but I cannot do it.
- Sorry, I can't help you with that.
Fuck no, go and fuck off!(Oops, this one slipped in)
It's all pretty straightforward; multiple ways to say no without being rude and leaving little room for others to come back and push the issue. Of course people do that though.
They say things like, what's that other priority you mention, or some other thing in an attempt to get their way or make you explain further. In my head, I say things like, none of your fucken business you arrogant entitled prick, but I don't rarely respond with that.
My reasons for saying no are always my own and I'm usually disinclined to share them because I don't have to justify myself so every now and then I'll have to get a little more direct in saying no.
In some situations a "look" and the words, if you keep pushing me I'll skin your fucken face off with a hunting knife, works really well but that's not always appropriate; we need to show more professionalism or decorum than that right?
I often say something like, "I'm disinclined to share my personal matters and motivations with you at this time however suffice it to say, while your thing is important I've deemed the other matter to be more of a priority for me at this time and I'm hoping you'll accept my decision." With the right look to go with it that generally does it.
I mean, that's fairly personable I think although blunt, and it doesn't leave much room for the other person to come back and push even further. (People do though which infuriates me and then a whole other set of things happen.)
Having the need to say no in our lives is going to come up over and over again, just like the need to say yes will as well. I think the key is knowing when and what to say yes and no to - easily said but not always easily done I guess - and to know how to say no with firmness but in a polite way leaving people feeling ok with it and with little room for a come-back.
What about you? How do you say no to people knowing it may let them down, leave them disgruntled or disappoint them? If you have some dialogues and want to share please go ahead in the comments. of you don't want to do it you know what to do...just say no.
Design and create your ideal life, tomorrow isn't promised - galenkp
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Image(s) in this post are my own