The word suicide hangs in the air. It is a word we hear, read maybe even whisper. But do we really get how big and heavy it is? What does it mean when we say someone feels suicidal? It is not just a quick thought or acting out.It is a really deep and bad feeling like the pain inside is so much that stopping living seems like the only way to escape it.
Some people quietly say it's "the only way out." But why does it feel like the only way? What bad things happen or what really sad feelings make someone think that ending their life is the only way to be free from pain? As I write this, I remember how sad and alone I felt before.It was like being stuck in a dark hole and no one could reach me. Even I didn't really understand what I was feeling.
Today, as I type these words I feel the sadness again. There are pills near me, like a way to make the bad feelings stop. A blanket is close too like a little bit of comfort in this sad moment. For 31 years, I've heard bad thoughts in my head "You are nothing. You don't matter." The same thoughts the same mean words keep going around and around and make my chest hurt. This sad heart, I always have it and it pushes me to a point where I don't want to go but I feel like I can't stop it.
I've really wanted to feel connected to someone for someone to tell me that I matter and that I deserve to be loved. But it is always been quiet and nothing changes. It is always the same.
Suicide. The word feels heavy like a really big sadness that one person shouldn't have to carry. It's when you feel like no one sees you no one hears you and like the people around you don't think you are important maybe even the whole world.
It is really painful to feel this all alone. For 31 years, I've acted like I am okay. I've smiled a lot, helped people a lot and given a lot. But the person who gives so much has been quietly hurting every day from a sad heart and mean words. I used to be that person? No, I am that person feeling all of this as I write now.
Let's try to understand this heavy feeling better. Let's say what suicidal thoughts and feelings are in simple words hoping to make the darkness a little bit lighter.
The very last stop when something finishes completely.Something that belongs to you, something you do yourself.Being alive, the time you are living.
So, "suicide" just means ending your own life. But even though it is a simple definition the feeling behind it is very complicated and full of pain.
What it really means to feel suicidal
A pain inside that feels like it will never stop like a constant bad ache.Feeling like things will never get better like the darkness will always be there. Believing there is no other way to stop the pain, no other answer. Feeling like everything is too hard to deal with like you are drowning in problems.Believing you don't matter, that your life isn't important.Feeling like nobody understands or cares about you.Not just sleepy, but feeling completely worn out in your feelings and mind, tired of trying.The idea of dying keeps coming into your head sometimes as a way to make the pain stop.
When someone feels suicidal it is not because they are weak or just want attention. It is a really strong need for help even if they don't say it out loud. It is when the desire to live has gone away because the pain is too much.
Why does it feel like the "only way" for someone?
The sad feelings or even physical pain are so bad that dying seems like the only way to feel better. The hard things in life like problems with people, money or feeling mentally unwell can feel like they can't be fixed. Always saying mean things to yourself and feeling like you are not good enough makes you believe the world would be better without you.Feeling like you are all alone and have no one to talk to can make you feel even more hopeless.Sadness, worry and other mental health problems can change how you think and make you more likely to have suicidal thoughts. These aren't choices but they are real illnesses that need understanding and help.Things like being hurt, ignored or other bad experiences can leave deep scars that make you feel like giving up.
For me, feeling like "nobody" and "not worthy" for 31 years has been like a constant attack on how I see myself. These aren't just words but they are strong beliefs that whisper bad things in quiet moments. This sad heart always heavy in my chest feels like the pain inside made real pushing me to a point where I feel like I can't fight anymore.
Really wanting someone to see that I'm worth something to see the good in me that I can't see myself has been a constant wish. But when no one says anything it just makes the sadness feel even deeper.
It is really heavy, this feeling that you have to carry all alone. It is the awful feeling that the people around you have made you feel like you don't matter.
Dealing with this pain all by yourself makes it even worse. Trying to act "okay" for 31 years, hiding the sadness with smiles and helping others takes a lot of energy. The person who gives so much often feels empty inside like they need someone to help them too. I used to be that person? No, I am that person, feeling this right now as I type. Saying "used to be" feels like I am not admitting how I feel now.
This is not about having all the answers but about trying to understand. It is a honest and open way of trying to explain the sad reality of suicidal thoughts and feelings. It is asking for understanding, for kindness, for us to change how we think and talk about this very hard thing.
If these words have touched you if you know this heavy feeling please know that how you feel is real. You are not the only one feeling this way. There is hope and there are people who want to help you carry this heavy feeling. Please talk to a friend, a family member, someone who helps with mental health or a phone line that helps people in crisis. Your life is important and the darkness you feel now doesn't have to be the end of your story. Try to reach for a little bit of light even if it's small. You deserve to feel warmth and to know that things can get better.