The ambulance syndrome and ...

To realize, that I have no more gas left, but to live my way, to live for me.

For years my radar was on for hours, literally on 24 hours. I was always attentive, ready and focused on what others required, to see how and how I could fit into their lives.

At an early age as a child, I had to scan my surroundings to know what others wanted, how they wanted it and thus earn at least one look for me, the girl who needed to be loved, recognized, seen to adapt in a super way to those others needed.

I was hyper vigilant.

Of course, that hyper-vigilance took me far: it made me disciplined, organized, able to sustain projects and ideas when no one in my environment at the time could do it.

I am very clear that this hypervigilance is undoubtedly a powerful tool, but it also has a high price. Because living like this I disconnect from myself. My energy was focused more outward from me, trying to please, hold, and give.

Undoubtedly, inevitably, the one who gives a lot, attracts the one who loves to receive a lot, especially if it hasn't cost him a damn. Without realizing it I was surrounded by bloodsuckers, vampire people who drained more than they could offer.

I once heard from my dad, that he wouldn't let me use, that is, that they suck my blood, because people used to this are capable of creating their own.

So stop being the ambulance syndrome, stop charging toxic, manipulative and narcissistic people, who have no scruples to fuck up your life.

Now, recognizing my hyper-vigilance and putting it to work in the places functional for me as my projects and goals, has been and even in the present tense, the key. Because, in addition to surrounding myself with people who trust in themselves, and who do not expect me to "hold their world"... it is realizing, everything that I have wanted to change, is what has led me to accept who I really am.And in the end, that's the real task, to recognize that I am much more than what I learned.

Somehow, I forced the other to be found out. I did not judge him or observe how: "No one is indispensable." Usually, many people control when they do not know that they own a tool and begin to see and do something different, at least to act whatever they please to do without being thinking about others.

Self-love can be learned, even if it has not been sown. And that's also personal power. It is always a rule and it is survival, however, with that love it is handled differently.

Today, I am grateful that I am in my hands now.

Life is too short to not be what we are meant to be and settle for being what we are supposed to be.

Janitze 🌹