WARNING: It's a super-long post!

My friends that I met at TMII. Source: @kingnamazu09

Yesterday, one of my best friends, who just tried to "switch" her career from journalist to professional traditional dancer, invited me to her performance at Taman Mini Indonesia Indah (TMII), East Jakarta. I am not the kind of person who can enjoy the show alone, so I post "wanted" posters everywhere. On my social media, forums, Couchsurfing, literally everywhere.

And gotcha! I got messages from several people, strangers, new friends, and old friends (to be honest, I am kinda overwhelmed because I did not expect there would be lots of people who contacted me back). One of them is @nnurdiani.

I know her from the HIVE Community years ago. We talked about many things, mostly about life and mental health, politics, and the other "smart topics" like gender equality, finance, etc. But the thing is, I just remember, "Ah, I really miss my peakD page that I abandoned for years."

Sunset on a bullet train. Source: @kingnamazu09

Back to September 7th, 2021, my friend @anggreklestari contacted me after she watched one of my drawings that I posted on my WhatsApp story. She said, This platform is a good place to show my hobby: drawing and writing, rather than just uploading on WhatsApp or piling up as a draft on my office's computer.

I used to have a personal blog, but I'm tired of paying for yearly rent. Also, right after I started to write on this page, I realized that it's really fun to connect to the reader through comments, and I can also find or read others' interesting posts.

At that time, we were still fighting with pandemic. I went to my parents' home and didn't come back to the Capital City due to Large-Scale Social Restrictions. I just moved to a new division and got a challenge to build a new paid platform. I was busy, but I have lots of time to write a blog.

Until mid-2022, the restrictions were more relaxed. I went back to Capital City, working alone in my rented room and writing a new goal: working abroad in Australia and living with someone I used to love. I worked so hard to learn English and burn my money on the gym, haha.

My First Failure: "Burn" My Company's Money

My coworker (or was) and their normal day at the office. Source: @kingnamazu09

My project didn't run as good as we planned. My office suffered losses because the expenses for the project I was handling were so high that they weren't commensurate with the revenue. The project was then "disbanded." Several of us were laid off. I was returned to my old division.

It was heartbreaking to work in a small, tight-knit team and then suddenly lose them. I was used to a fixed schedule, weekends off, and a good work-life balance; then, suddenly, I was back to working irregularly, long hours.

I lost my enthusiasm and was exhausted. Sometimes I worked six days a week, from early morning until another morning. I was completely overwhelmed.

The things that I enjoyed are in this division; it's pretty normal to "fight" over a box of pizza, under a chandelier. It's not because we are hungry or what, we just love the "fight" itself.

Trapped in Debt

Van Gogh quote from Van Gogh Exhibition: The Immersive Experience. Source: @kingnamazu09

Rather than failure, I would love to call it: stupidity. Growing up, people always thought that I was smart, knew many things, and (ehemm) kinda wise? My life was built on a stack of fortune and well-prepared steps. And now it's shattered into pieces into a pile of rubble that still hurts my financial situation to this day.

It started with the idea of running away from this country forever, and living together with my crush-at-that-time. Sounds like a good idea to make my God angry, since in Islam, we have strict restrictions when talking about a man-woman relationship that is not shared by blood.

I had planned to move to Australia using Working Holiday Visa (WHV). I invest almost all of my money, but it's not enough. It was supposed to be enough, but the deadline was too sudden: only three days! But that's not the main reason.

The main reason is: my stupidity. I know that I would need that money in not a long. But I chose to go to Thailand to accompany my friend's spiritual journey. The "bad luck" starts from here.

The WHV application started right WHEN I just landed in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. Unfortunately, I couldn't access the Indonesian Immigration website for WHY from other countries. I paid four friends and my brother to help me, but I still lost it.

My life in Thailand is more expensive than I planned. I sell some of my hand-carry items to my friends in Indonesia, but still not enough. My debt has grown so fast. All of my monthly salary from my full-time job and freelancing is gone because of this debt. My life has become miserable, and my pride is too high to ask my parents for help.

I am too stressed to work. My company sent me to a professional, and I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety disorder. My crush? They just confessed to me that they is the part of "the rainbow family." We are still very good friends, but I should change they pronounce to be they even though it's a singular.

How I Learned to Accept It

Tarot card about my life that my teammate read (but I don't remember the exact topic). Source: @kingnamazu09

Well, it's not an easy journey, and it took time. But it started with: moving on. Sounds cliché, but that's what happened.

Because of my "mental health condition", my company moved me to another small team. It's a very small team that only has me, my boss, and one of my friends. It is the first time we have worked together, but I have known them for a long time.

My teammate has been my best friend since the first day we worked at this company around 9 years ago. And my boss, well, I can say that we have a matching aura.

In this division, we have fixed working hours and schedules. It means my beautiful work-life balance is back.

I moved to a new rented house. Nope. It's not because the old one is bad or what. I still have a good relationship with the landlord; they treat me like their own children. It is because that house was renovated. So I need to move. I found a good place near my office: only 300 meters! That means I save my transportation budget and time every day.

In this new home, I built a strong connection with my neighbors. Three of them have become my second family. I even built a coffee business with one of them! I would tell you later about it.

Slowly, without me realizing it, my life became better. Everyday I went to my office, sent my coffee to the canteen, and then work with my best friend. Ten hours later, I went home and met my second family. Every day is full of love and joy.

And I realized, I wouldn't get it all if I never experienced the failures. I was growing up with near-zero failure experience. Everything that I want, I got it. I want to go to the best university, and then I will earn it. I want to have good scores, I got it. I want to go everywhere, I did it. Even when I was growing up in a middle-class family, I got all that I wanted by luck or by hard work.

My luck and hard was never betrayed me. These three years have taught me lots of things about failure. At first, I thought it was the end of my luck; I would be miserable forever, etc. But nope.

Failure is just a door to another chance and happiness

I hope I can write more often again!

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P.S.: All the photo was taken with Samsung A53!
P.P.s: I no longer have a debt, so don't worry about me!
Can someone tell me how to make a separator and a caption? I forgot how to do that.