It’s truly fascinating how the landscape of society changes within 6 years at least from the moment I was being more loud about things. Back in the day, being an agnostic or an atheist wasn't something you’d be proud of saying. These days, nobody cares. You can believe in some mythical gods, some folk religion and old tradition, borderline occultism, anything goes. Now, they even accept folk religion into our identification. I am calling those some type of progress in our society where religion is heavily embedded into our social life.

At large, these things are no longer an issue but within the family, or at least people I choose to call “family” was still an issue until these days.

Almost a decade ago, being an atheist openly would mean you’re on the edge of persecution. You’re the minority and you’re constantly in hiding, these days I heard this a lot more casually.What I used to fear back in the day isn’t really something to be feared anymore. But back in the day, I had that fear.

Even remotely telling friends I was a non-believer, led to debates and losing some friends. It wasn’t that I was trying to convince them, I was trying to get my point across why I believed what I believed. Eventually, I got tired proving my point.

Soon after, life took me to a very interesting place and situation. It's by nature that at some point you question your identity even more so when you're actually adopted. So,in one conversation with a friend of mine, she said the quotes above which also appeared in one of my fictional work.

To live without a God, some god, or some type of a moral box is an absolute freedom. Without religion, you can customize morality in which for some is quite an intriguing deal. Anything can be justifiable, depending on which spectrum you believe in. With absolute freedom, there’s no do and don’t from anyone telling us what to do. It’s us deciding how to live and what to make out of it.

You could argue even with religion, morals can be customized too. But I mean, with religion, you still have this do and don’ts according to the people who lived before us or God. It’s like a restrictive background. For someone who hates being told what to do, how to do a certain thing, all these aren’t appealing. But after that long search, hours of reflection, I found something I’ve never felt before. A peace, a direction that I am willing to go for. So, well I am no longer an atheist for the last couple of years and which according to my fellow atheist, is regression and stupidity.

Maybe it is a regression and stupidity. But I’d take that any day more than the lives I used to lead.

This whole blog for the last 8 years is all about me documenting the search of life’s meaning. I went from someone terrified speaking my truth to someone who isn’t terrified anymore. There are many good things happening around here and for once again, I realized how little my family knew of me yet online friends, strangers, or anyone who reads this page, know better of what’s inside my head. Maybe it's irrelevant to this whole conversation but writing it all out helped me process and being a lot more brave to speak out.

When I finally told the truth to my mother who barely caught a wind of all these, she was taken aback. She paused, barely answering, trying to collect herself. As much as she’s used to my shenanigans, my antics, and everything that is so against what our current society expects of me, she was still taken aback. Religion is a core in our society. Our birth,entire life, marriage, to death revolves around religion that we either born with or eventually choose.

But then I get it, She’s not the type of person who picks up behind the lines. I was 14 when I started to wonder if God truly exists. I remembered one time telling her God doesn’t exist. But she might think it was just some teenage angst. It never was for me.

What happened was, saying those to my mom, opened me up to the world of philosophy and theology which I spent a lot of time on studying as a teen. I wanted to know if God exist or if life has meaning beyond believing to God. I studied almost every religion there is to know even the LaVeyan Satanism which actually fits so well if you're into some type of libertarianism or even Anarcho-capitalism.

And I was quite a hardcore atheist that goes to meaningless debates to practicing Buddhism and I kid you not, almost converting there because by theory and practice it is all great. Strangely, at the time, I didn't find that peacefulness, like truly at peace that I've felt for the last couple of years ever since I read and studying the scripture attentively once again. It might be wrong through the lens of the people around me but they can't be saying otherwise.

As for a long time, I hid who I am, I hid every part of my life's journey to them, even what I really believed in and waited until the day I could bear the weight of all the costs that might be incurred because of the choices I made.

The cost indeed was dearly but this Sunday, for the very first time, I walked to a place feeling like I made my own very choice as an adult without anyone’s interference or even a hint of influence. And you know, like suddenly there was a surge of confidence and that feeling of being fearless more than I've ever felt before.

That is another win for me this year and this month.

And maybe none of this matters just as I said, considering this is 2025, where you can believe in anything. But reclaiming who I am and truly reclaiming it, is something that mattered to me. And it is the part of the freedom I seek, to choose who I truly want to be and saying it out loud without any fear to anyone anymore.