「 The Years Depression Stole 」
Time is a concept in our life that makes me constantly in awe but also overwhelming to me. Conventionally we know that time can be measured and in our daily life, we have devices and tools to keep track of it. However, there’s another layer to time that I kept pondering about.
When I was depressed, days felt like they were stretched and blurred. It felt like I was living in eternity of pain and hollowness. While around me, the clock was ticking, the season changed, the year changed too, but my mind felt like I was stuck on a time loop, a never ending hollowness without hope.
In English we say things like “ It feels like forever/eternity” etc. We attribute some qualities to it to express our perception towards an event that’s happening, currently happening or happened.
That’s what I used to say when I was on that deepest low. That time felt like forever and I felt like I was stuck in one place on a loop. Heck, sometimes I don't even remember things that happened or even a day/month. They really were just another long morning and night. But lately, I’ve noticed my perception of time shifted. It’s like I’ve woken up from a long slumber and dream.
When I said to my partner that “ time flies!”, suddenly I realized, years have passed since the rain that never ends comes to me. So many things have happened since I last remembered that I was fine. Thankfully, some things changed for the better. Some,for the worst and that's where I am currently working towards on fixing.
And when I feel like as if I’ve just woken up from that long dream. I wondered if I have I wasted anybody’s time? Or even my own time. I am sure I can say yes to some things that I felt like I wasted time on it. But there were great things happened throughout it that made me wonder too, Was it myself or was it my depressed self?
In the end, once again, I woke up with so many questions that it felt like depression just spits me out years later. Now, all I am seeing is like a flashback of things that I could have fixed so many things or if things that shouldn’t have been that way.
To me, that part felt like a reminder that how we perceive time is quite strange. By we, I guess it's myself and anyone who's been through similar feeling or experience.
These days though, at least I walk with time and I no longer feel like I am stuck in the same time loop, being dragged on endlessly, to repeat the same pain daily. Maybe I am now more aware of it? I don't know because in the end, I ask myself these questions again, is time merely the way of our mind to make sense of something? Is it really just an illusion and how we view it depends on our perception of it? For now, this is the notes on Time by the Department of Philosophy Stanford Time that I am currently reading.
Speaking of which, last Saturday, we held a small and quiet memorial for my dad’s 100 days. It’s actually something we’ve been holding back for a while. After we did it felt like a huge burden had been lifted out from my shoulder and my mom’s. It’s like life is back to where it was, just me and my mother, just the two of us and something I felt more familiar with. I don’t know but these days, after unpacking so many things, morning doesn’t feel like it’s a burden anymore.
two images are from CCO image on canva