「 And when a man is sad-- I don't mean because he has a toothache or has lost some money, but because he sees, for once in a way, how it is all is with life and everything, and is sad in earnest- Herman Hesse 」
I feel some kind of way lately because I recently revisited an old place that shaped my late teenage days to mid 20’s.
*To my future self,*Hey I am glad you made it this far
Wherever you are now
Remember to always feel grateful that after all the struggles you finally get what you wished for.
It was not easy but you deserved it.
All the struggles you had were preparing you to be the person you are today.
Now, you’d probably sit in a foreign country sipping your second cup of coffee
Laughing to your past, to your miserable moments and your happiest moments.
You did it, another year going through against all odds and you made it this far
Be proud of who you are now
And pass some stories of your life to your friends, new colleagues, and anyone you know because the life you had was worth telling and inspiring.**
I was turning 21 at the time and I mean, I never thought I would make it past 23. People who knew me back in the day, would never guess I made it this far either. But with that letter, looking back now, I am getting closer to the things that were giving me some hope at the time.
When one is depressed, it feels like we’re always constantly in a tug-of-war with ourselves. Everyday it feels like waking up is quite a chore and you have no energy to do the most basic things to exist.
You could say, I was a highly functional depressed person. I was never fully at rest, I was just running away constantly. I jump from one thing to another, just to find more reason to live.
During my way back the other day and after a good chat with a good friend of mine, I realized how time has flown. I realized how conversation with strangers, friends or family feels a lot easier and more natural. It’s like I have more energy to do it all in comparison to a few years back. I felt like truly myself again.
After all that I went through, I think that the scariest thing in life is not being forgotten anymore but having no hope or being unable to see it.
When you’re in that state, it is so difficult to get back up and feel normal. You toy with life and death so easily.It’s exhausting to be doing that for weeks, even years and on. When you decide to continue to exist, you deal with more consequences. It’s all soon tangled up in knots and getting more challenging to fix. So, it made it more challenging to see that there’s a way out.
But I was lucky. I had some people believe in me and their faith carried me until today. They were so patient with me that I started seeing how miniscule some of my problems were. A problem that was magnified back when I was depressed was actually pretty doable.
As much as life is full of problems, I have different ways of seeing them now. There are ways to fix it and it’s not really the end of the world as long as we still have options and hope, even a dim light at the end of the tunnel.
I won’t get preachy for those who're currently depressed. It’s not an easy place and it’s all complex. I just hope that those who see no hope or light anymore could finally find one just like I did. Because once you find that light, everything feels a lot lighter and even if there will be more darkness to come, you still carry that light with you.
So, hello world once again ☺️ ️ and I am easing my way to really make up for some of my lost time when I was stuck in darkness and was fixated on it.