These days, it’s sunny, breezy and pleasant enough to walk around. For us though, July to October tend to be one of those “colder months”. During the night, it feels as if I walk on ice and I don’t have to turn on any fans in the house. But I’d take it any day compared to our hottest months where things are definitely way more hotter and unpleasant.
Let me be honest, I seem to have run out of things to say .It’s ironic because I have so many topics I’ve written down. And though I am slowly getting them out, words just don’t come out that easily anymore. It’s not that I am uninspired.I am very inspired, intrigued and motivated.
I got reconnected to another project that felt like a part of my core mission in my life but I still have some hesitation over it. I was offered to actually pursue another formal education and a lot of things I really wanted but it all felt like dealing with the devil kind of situation.
These days, in times of this life transition,I just want to make sure that I still live within my own terms because I’ve managed it so far, having my own freedom even though it costs. I do not want to jump into anything just yet even though I know I could do something big with this upcoming project.
Just like these birds that are free to roam, I want to still be like them.
The other day, I met someone who reminded me that not everyone has options and choices.
Coincidentally, I heard many phrases like
“ I work because I have no choice”
“ I am doing it because I have no choice”
“ I have to because I have no choice”
In my brain, those things don’t register to me well. It’s as if you’re writing a code and they won’t execute. My adopted parents raised me to believe there are options and choices. At the same time, there are consequences and pain that you have to endure in the process. So, even in my most difficult situations, I never say that I don’t have choices. I still have many choices, it’s just that I have to be extremely comfortable with the uncomfortable. It could bite me in the future but that was just the consequences of my actions.
I let you in on some reflection of mine lately. I don’t have the answer to this but I guess nobody in their sane mine would choose poverty over wealth.
Here’s the background and I’ll let you advise me on this one.
I grew up comfortable. My adopted family provided me with everything they could. They provide safety, emotional support and I grew up pretty okay. But it’s life. At some point during my teenage days, something happened and they experienced bankruptcy. I was responsible for feeding 5 people, including myself taking care, I also took care of two households and their bills.
Even almost 10 years now, we’re still dealing with so many of the aftermath of it and it’s mostly myself who takes care of everything and works for it. I don’t think I would ever survive without the great friends I have.
Now, at some point, almost exactly 10 years ago as well, I got reconnected to my birth family. They were pretty much absent for my entire life but reappeared. While they were already comfortable, my maternal side of the family became a lot wealthier.
That certainly affected the lives of my siblings excluding me, the outcast in the family. Whenever I was with them, all they did was flaunt their wealth and purchases to me. There was always an air of distrust and jealousy among them. I was proud of being so independent, though I didn’t make much, at least it’s what I earn rather than just some hand-me-down money. So, I was all about independence.
Until one time, I just felt tired of it all. It’s normal to feel that way I guess. When you’re living in poverty but with pride, it’s the most challenging thing there is. It’s a weird place to be in.
I saw how “easy” my siblings had it all. They weren’t even the smartest in the room but they had the persistence while I got so caught up with my pride. According to society's standard,they have it all. You know, well-educated, settled in life and some normal jobs and business on the side.
Then, at some point, I decided to side with my biological family. Life was easy. I never have to think about money at all but there was so much manipulation and I was that black swan who constantly gets taken advantage of.
The rule to them was simple. If you want access to their wealth, you have to submit a lot of control in your life. For someone who was so used to being free, it didn’t sit well with me. But I can’t lie when I see just how many things can be managed properly, there was a pang of jealousy.
For the last 2 years, I've disconnected with them only recently meeting them again. I got quite a bit of tempting offers but they would cost me my freedom. While I don't really have a comfortable life right now, I believe that it's something I could work on.
So, the main question is, how should I navigate this all? Should I choose freedom or comfort?
If you have something to advise me, feel free too because I am going to take them into consideration.