As the calendar year nears its end, come the questions: what was actually achieved/accomplished this year? Both the big noteworthy stuff for highlight reels and smaller things.
And it’s humbling AF to admit: I don’t fucking know. Where da fuq did an entire 365 days go, leaving little in the wake of memories to justify any sense of real meaning or satisfaction when considering the totality of “accomplishments.”
It’s tough to tell whether I’m “being hard on myself” and expecting too much, simply discontent with what is no matter how much is ever done - the addictive-like “never enough” factor; or if I’ve overlooked much and not given proper credit to smaller yet still significant things. Likely, a combo of both.
Musically… 37 new ideas started. Yet more for the closet full, adding weight to overwhelm with the growing list of projects and accompanying uncertainty which to actually invest the time & energy in completion. One new ‘album’/ mixtape released on streaming platforms… along with zero marketing or self-promotion, ending up with barely a handful of listeners - more a relief to get the project done and out than actually satisfying results to be proud of. And 170+ projects touched up as swapping out subscription plugins for bought ones - many sounding significantly better with the minor tweaks made, indicative of “progress” in mixing/engineering skills, yet still left with a sense of “so what, who cares” at the end of year. At the least, some of the year’s new ideas will make for good filler for this post, providing y’all a soundtrack to accompany this existential crisis in writing.
Perhaps taking a break from music the last 6 months has been some sort of “accomplishment” in itself - no matter how much the ego/mind might judge as “procrastination,” having honored the sense of need to take a step back from a relationship that wasn’t working well rather than continuing to push and metaphorically bang head against wall. But what was actually done during the “break” besides a whole lotta purposeless internet surfing and Netflix (plus some wonderful extra sun & hammock during the summer)? This is where the stark reality of the ADHD “time blindness” hits home… where the fuck did all that time go??
Perhaps one of the worthwhile happenings of 2023: humbling myself to get the actual diagnosis… and take a couple months to be really damn honest with myself about patterns that’ve been present for decades that’ve “robbed me” of long-lasting, satisfying results in life. For all the “shadow work” I’ve half-assed over the years and “personal development” done, it sure felt like something different to really look at what has not worked as consequence of jumping so quickly from one thing to the next without any real planning or organization. As unexciting it may seem to humble oneself to admit & accept weaknesses & shortcomings, there probably is immense value in it, given change cannot always occur without the preceding awareness of the root of persistent chaos. And there’s probably some significant maturation in having let go of a long-lasting stubborn resistance to western medicine, humbling myself to both admit there might actually be benefit to modern pharmaceutical technology that could help with some of my biggest consistent challenges and honor my potential by at least testing it out. Should I end up as one of those cases where it’s “like putting on glasses for the first time” and make a real positive difference, the diagnosis step may surely be a far bigger one than seems at this point.
Another humbling-to-admit truth: it’s almost embarrassing how much time & energy was spent in indecision & overthinking ‘next steps…’ move back to Revelstoke? Bali? Thailand? How to navigate dealing with tax residency amidst potential moves? Where do I actually want to be? Where do I feel called to? It probably wouldn’t be outlandish to conclude a good 50% of my year were spent in these contemplation loops, half the year squandered in anxieties about the future rather than actually living life in the here & now.
Though, perhaps in spite of the abundantly neurotic back-and-forth, there’s some “end result” that adequately compensates as it feels there’s finally some clarity on the answers. That while the mind/ego might wanna keep holding on indefinitely to the fantasty of a glorious return to “paradise” in Asia, my body, heart, mind & soul don’t all feel in complete alignment - and rather, any “sense” of “inner guidance” feels to be leading back towards Revelstoke. Perhaps not as exotic or appealing to the ego, and the cold Canadian winters not as preferable as the year-round tropical warmth, yet the low-key mountain town probably more suitable for the slower pace of hermit mode I’ll still be in for a while, and the snowboarding there feeling most like “my happy place” until a clear call elsewhere comes. And for as much as part of me has wanted to “escape” what could be viewed through a fearful lens of cynicism & pessimism as increasingly-tyrannical & potentially-communist Canada for somewhere without legal obligations to a coercive extortion (tax) system, enough time contemplating options seems to lead towards keeping one foot in my home country, growing up as an adult, and strategically utilize corporations & life insurance to legally reduce the amount channeled to corrupt governments while enjoying the perks this country does offer.
I dunno how much longer it’ll take to get back to music and whether the ADHD meds will be as conducive to a powerful focus & executive functioning as ideally hoped, but at the least, having a clear goal/aim of where to setup the next home base and specific evolving plan for how to setup & manage my business properly here in Canada “ought to” (ideally - which the practical reality of an ADHD brain doesn’t always line up with, given constant diversions of attention & hyperfocus into often-counterproductive directions) free up time & energy previously spent stressing over these matters for more constructive use. And no doubt, getting setup in my own primo space with the best snowboarding in Canada at my doorstep again is bound to provide a type of essential nourishment I’ve been craving that’s foundational to both in-the-present satisfaction & peace and building for the future from.
Besides that? I dunno. Haven’t done a ton of writing here or elsewhere, and what I have, hasn’t left any lasting sense of accomplishment. Started a bit of reading more regularly again, after years of barely touching books… though still doesn’t feel as though any sunk that far in and left much of a lasting impression. Have managed to get a bit more consistent with my half-assed X3 resistance bands workouts and seeing some results with muscle gain - perhaps a small win.
I suppose there was the foray into astrocartography - having been called out to do readings/consultations… then pretty much quitting after a couple dozen. Lol. Seemed like was something new & exciting with some potential… until motivation/inspiration ran out, just like how many other dozen ADHD-hyperfocus projects over the decades. Maybe should the stimulants get my Ferrari brain in well-functioning order, I’ll actually get to writing the dozens of blog ideas listed down and/or book, pushing it a bit farther with that. Yet still, honest feeling when considering it as any sort of “accomplishment:” meh.
And perhaps one small (or at least seeming so at this point) thing: cracking open to the possibility of some sort of action on a passion for luxury real estate & architecture in the future. I’ve always been drawn towards Architectural Digest & Luxury Homes magazines at the bookstores, inspired by/with stunning photography of tropical villas and exquisite mountain chalets… started contemplating that if gonna end up the corporate route with financial strategy and crypto actually does end up generating significant returns long-term, why not put some profit to work in those domains. Dunno whether that’ll look like collaborations for just a few select special projects from scratch, growing a small portfolios of exceptional properties for use as creative hubs, or what - though having been told that it’s expectable to have a nice home past 50 with my Human Design Cross Of Refinement, plus my Uranus & Jupiter in 4th house that’ll likely never let me settle in one place, makes sense to leverage it all for something cool involved with that overlooked passion. Just an idea and a ways away, but potentially a big piece of a long-term vision. (Or just another briefly-lived idea that’ll die as quickly as it came.)
Perhaps one day, I'll look back at the slower pace of this year more fondly - grateful for the extra time with parents when it's no longer possible, missing all the "unproductive" down time simply chillin' with the cat, or even having a greater appreciation for being single if end up in another relationship at some point.
For as much as I'm left scratching my head wondering wtf I actually "accomplished" worthwhile in 2023, there's been a whole bunch of integration taking place that's establishing an inner foundation for what's yet to come.
Maybe one of those 37 song ideas started will end up being the one that actually gets landed for a Beatclub opportunity and kickstarts professional success - ending up far less insignificant as it might feel now. Maybe the clarity finally resulting from all the indecision on where to go next, settling on Revelstoke, leads to immense satisfaction or a soulmate - the boring ‘pause’ of 2023 turning out to be pivotal in determining a correct course that’d be averted had I opted to submit to impatience and compulsively seek excitement overseas again instead.
Maybe the simple surrender to what is, resolving to get my business in proper order in Canada rather than chase illusions of “escape” proves itself a critical step in establishing a stronger foundation of inner peace from which everything to follow becomes actually much easier & harmonious, as unexciting it may feel now.
As parasitic as the sense of “never enough” might be, undermining the peace & satisfaction available in life’s simple moments & smaller victories, perhaps reflections such as the above are valuable to getting perspective and remind ourselves that for as much as modern life has been conditioning us to seek instant results, these soul journeys are in fact a much longer-term game - the contents of a short slice of time such as 365 days not actually being indicative enough of where we’ve come from and are yet to go. Perhaps we gotta zoom out further to get a clearer idea of how all the smaller puzzle pieces fit together, one year’s happenings establishing unseen conditions for greater successes ahead.
As with bamboo - whose roots take 7 years growing beneath the surface before sprouting and shooting up rapidly once it does - we might never really see or know exactly how much has been developing out of sight, only to discover later what fruits are to bared.
Hopefully y’all took something from these rambles interspersed with sonic alchemy.
May my tales here continue to provide reflections in which to see something of value in your experiences from a slightly different perspective that’s helpful… or some shit. At the least, the tunes get your feet tapping & head bobbing.
Sparing all the usual overplayed toxic-positivity motivational hype around/about new years, may the year to come serve as all well in our expansion & growth, no matter what it brings.
And may we all continue to make small yet significant progress in all aspects of our lives that set us up for bigger victories, peace, and great satisfaction ahead.
Maktub… 🙏
