Oh, how overdue for a good therapeutic vent, I am. So here we go with another amalgamation of reflections. Where to begin, having to condense the non-linear into linear words…
Increasing often, I’ve been feeling dumber.
It sorta really hit home the other day while reading or listening to some stuff requiring a fairly high level of intelligence to process, and it dawned on me how much of that type of stuff I used to indulge in gleefully, versus it not only becoming more of a rarity to engage with these days, but more difficult to - especially with the same level of interest. Thus, the questioning was sparked: have I undergone a “dumbing-down?” Or are there other explanations… perhaps even those encompassing evolution & maturity beyond an overly intellectual way of looking at the world?
On one side of the argument, could ‘lie’ the case that the majority of us all have become somewhat dumbed-down consequential of the increasing use of social media, as it’s conditioned us into consumption of short-form content. Remember the days we used to read books, attend lectures, and engage in projects taking weeks & months? They’re seeming more & more like the distant past, as the norm is now (doom-)scrolling for dopamine and getting our intellectual stimulation from memes rather than long-form works of deep thought. No shit I feel dumber, observing myself reaching for Instagram & YouTube countless times each day, and losing focus almost instantly every time attempting to pick up a book. At least I’m not alone, there.
Then again, it is worth bearing in mind that I’m in a different phase of life.
(Perhaps especially as a 6/2 Human Design profile, who threw myself into all the 3rd-line “trial-and-error” of my phase until Saturn return,) my twenties especially was characterized by an insatiable hunger for knowledge & wisdom, seeking intellectual stimulation as diving into a huge range of subjects and finding great satisfaction in the pursuit. But eventually, you sometimes find what you were (unknowingly) seeking. Sometimes it turns out that the insatiable hunger was satiable after all… and that values change, times change, you change. I wanted to “know it all,” so channeled the ADHD hyperfocus into all these different rabbit holes, scattering myself wide enough and going deep enough with each to get what there was to get - finding joy in the process of mining for the gems of genius in each… until sorta “seeing it all” - at least what’s of any actual interest. (A bold statement that could potentially come across as arrogant out-of-context; of course, “you don’t know what you don’t know,” and there’ll always be an endless stream of things to learn - although after a certain amount of experience, you start seeing it’s usually always variations of the same - a limited set of code to be rearranged in a limited set of patterns, a limited number of archetypal dynamics playing out in a limited number of ways, only rare mutations breaking out into anything truly innovative… “nothing new under the sun,” as is said.)
Though now… different phase. There was a time for burning through books like wildfire and reveling in the intellectual masterbation of “unlimited possibilities” while taking in the works of the societally-deemed “smartest minds…” and then came the awareness of intellect’s limits. Perhaps my 52.6 personality Sun, up on “the mountain” after all that trial-and-error - looking back down, having experientially seen all the excitement & beauty of that Mercurial intellect weaving the masterpieces of humanity’s accomplishments achieved through logic, science and psychology… destined to ascend up a level, zooming out to realize it as only one part of a bigger puzzle - and unable to dive back in & engage with it in the same ways as before. Which is hardly an effect of “dumbing down,” but perhaps even the mark of an increase in/of intellegence - beyond that of solely the intellect, expanding into the “emotional” and “spiritual” (for a lack of better word). Granted, that perspective doesn’t always console in the midst of (emotional) waves of feeling “dumbed down.” But then again, maybe it’s a matter of relativity here. While also asking: to what degree might I have been in self-delusion previously, thinking/feeling “smarter” than I may have actually been?
Looking back to “when my life peaked…” in Bali…
I felt at my prime then. Still full of ambition, drive, enthusiasm, optimism. Still hungry AF for intellectual stimulation and hunting it down like a champion. Y’all don’t even know some of the rabbit holes of that chapters. Though bringing astrocartography into the conversation: Mercury-IC and Neptune-MC. That Mercurial intellect activated & amplified. (Perhaps big time, looking back in hindsight.) And that Neptune in aspect - the boundless heights of Divine insight. Maybe, no shit ‘coming back down to earth’ afterwards relatively seems as though a “dumbing down” from such peaks. And sure enough, those Neptunian “highs” could have been delusional - to a degree… or by default of duality and the yin & yang of everything, encompassing both the heights of Divine genius and the delusion. Either way, even if looking back at it through rose-colored glasses, life was so fucking (gloriously) different then… and it’s hard to not feel “dumbed down” in comparison. And while part of me wishes I could just “go back,” it’s a different chapter. There is no “going back” to how things were.
Though as thought-terminating cliché goes: it is what it is. As not-comforting as that may be.
Entwined with this, comes a messy consideration of (and rant on) the subject of “timelines…”
Truthfully, I’m kinda tired of that fucking word.
No doubt, all my exposure to it may be a consequence of what types of content I consume and communities I’m plugged into; though it’s seemed like a buzzword that’s become increasingly popular in a greater number of circles… and one I’m reluctant to even utter myself, having so much charge/resistance to the concept as it’s been perhaps overused. Does anyone even really truly know or understand what the fuck they’re even talking about or mean when regurgitating this pop-talk of “timelines??” Or have I just grown bitter, cynical and resentful of having “manifested” my own “timeline” that often feels more like a purgatory than blessing, misprojecting my frustration & anger at a WORD and those who use it with youthful optimism?
According to pop manifestation theory, surely it is I who is ultimately responsible for my own “suffering” and life not resembling the perfect fairy tale on par with those of the self-appointed TikTok Law Of Attraction gurus. Or maybe the “midlife crisis” is a thing - which all those over-enthusiastic marketers propagating ideologies of “manifesting your highest timeline” have not yet reached and cannot understand. Indeed, we do have control over some aspects of ourselves and our lives which do influence outcomes - whether you wanna put the “timeline” label on them or not; though it seems that an intimate comprehension of the wisdom of sayings such as “if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans” and “grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change” only come with age.
Nonetheless, the mind questions. And so, does mine: did I veer “off-course” somewhere? What happened to all my youthful optimism, ambition, and enthusiasm? There was a time I seemed to flow with life so much more gracefully. And here I am now, “on this timeline,” questioning if I’m even truly still alive or just in some vibrational purgatory of my own unconscious making.
And sure, according to much “spiritual” theory, it’s all part of the course. Having to descend into the shadows. Needing the “fall from grace.” Soul evolution requiring changing of seasons that includes pain, loss, grief, decay. That inevitable yin-and-yang whereby “you can only go as high as you go deep,” and the “ascent into light” cannot come without the dives into darkness. Etc, etc. Yada, yada, yada.
Or am I just “creating that timeline,” whereas some bright-eyed, bushy-tailed “spiritual” influencer in their twenties so-confidently speaking “truth” on social media has it all figured out after reading the same books I did twenty years ago that convinced me I knew “the secrets” of life (in spite of not yet having truly been through its hard knocks.)
I could bypass with the “is what it is” logic, or get lost in overthinking it all. And of course, not everything in life is black-or-white. Contemplation & reflection do serve their place & time. There are points we can’t grow without slowing down to truly observe. Though if it ain’t often a challenge to observe clearly without both the influences/interference of left-minded cognitive biases and right-brained Neptunian blurred-boundaries & counterproductive creativity.
Maybe it is an inevitable part of my - and many people’s - journey(s) to undergo the “midlife crisis,” questioning whether I/we are “on track…” or if our doubts/fears might be correct that we “got lost” somewhere along our way and have been shortchanging ourselves, living a life that doesn’t meet the standards of “our highest timeline.” Maybe it’s perfectly “normal” (in the context of universal/natural law) that we question how we might make adjustments & refinements to increase the satisfaction, peace, success, and surprise in our lives - *even if we are “on track,” albeit mind doubting otherwise. Maybe sometimes such questioning is essential because we have gotten “off track and need to figure da fuq out how to get back on it, learn some key lessons unlocking soul growth, clear karma that’s “kept us stuck,” etc, etc. And then, maybe the whole “veering off course/track and reorienting back on” is part of the course/track - perfect in its own right, from the higher vantage point of the larger soul journey. Blah, blah, blah.
Granted, all that intellectual-spiritual-masterbation doesn’t compensate for the turmoil of/in the emotional waves. And the questioning continues.
Was the choice to give up my villa in Bali and go back to Canada my first step “off course?” Did I “give up” my dream of living in Bali, or was it truly “correct” to return to Canada when I did, as I did? Was that the point I compromised “my truth” and “stepped onto a different timeline” that’s ended up seemingly rather far from the passion-infused life I was living then in this purgatory?
Was it when I stopped “fighting for” my marriage, “gave in” / surrendered resistance, and let my wife go? Were our challenges a test I failed, and the choice to take a break the turning point that diverted “my timeline” from one grounded in love to this (one) where any semblance of “love” feels incredibly distant and numbed out?
Is this actually “part of God’s plan?” Or did I allow myself to be swayed off it - branching off onto this “timeline” where not only do I often feel increasingly “lost” in the abyss of my own loveless purgatory, but the external world seems increasingly crazy & chaotic?
Of course, there are concrete answers to these questions… at least none the limited human mind can comprehend, let alone put into words.
Maybe another piece of the “dumbed-down” puzzle: having expanded out through these complexities of the human experience, it’s humbling to not have the answers. Again, relativity - whereas in the nativity of youth, logical answers could seemingly be found and/or crafted to explain things, transcending the limit’s of mind’s capacities to understand and ego’s to control leaves me/one feeling relatively dumb without being able to sustain the illusion of understanding or control anymore.
“Timelines.” Fucking “timelines.”
“Quantum possibilities…” at some level, yeah, “infinite timelines” - and perhaps we can “steer the ship” to some degree through our vibration. At another level, there is only here & now, right? Is it really helpful to get lost in the Neptunian sauce of creative intellectual-spiritual-masterbation over “infinite possibilities” without consideration of the Saturnian boundaries & Plutonic realities defining & revealing the “that which we cannot control” for which prayers for serenity & acceptance may be more wise than regurgitating “hopeful” cultish rhetoric of “manifesting highest timelines” and spiritual-bypassing through toxic positivity?
Ah, if only I could turn back time to the naive enthusiasm and unfounded optimism I once embodied that now judge in the reflections from others.
Then again, would that actually be intelligent - or actually a form of dumbing-down, no matter the relative, subjective experience of that prior state as feeling like I was “smarter” then?
(Feeling the mindfuck-activation yet…? 😼)
Yin-yang. The simultaneous ascent & descent.
At one level, it might feel I’ve simply looped back to the same qualms. At others, maybe there is evolution occuring on levels the eyes can’t see and logical mind can’t understand. (And on another, maybe this is still more intellectual-masterbation & bypassing masquerading as philosophical/spiritual reflection or some shit… and it is an embodiment of having been “dumbed down” by foolishly spending so much time with such self-indulgent internal debate rather than constructively channeling creative talents into something of greater service for others.)
Backslides…
For example, it’s been over five years since I invested in the X3 variable resistance band weight-training system… the first four of which, I totally half-assed it inconsistently; and only in the last couple months, which I’ve slowed down enough to actually learn and do it right - and get adequate protein/EEA intake. And though true to the Manifesting Generator (Human Design) “skipping steps” and sabotaging the first years with it, I’m finally seeing results. Actual progress. Which extends beyond simply the looks, but some of the self-respect and confidence that comes with the discipline, commitment and follow-through. Ascension. And/or with music… after years of metaphorically banging my head against the wall trying to force it, I’ve been recalibrating the relationship, finding a greater sense of harmony & attunement with the creative flows which has led to greater ease and more satisfaction with/in the process. Not to mention leaps in the quality of results. Yeah, it’s gone alot slower than mind & ego would like, but progress. Finances coming together more solidly as learning from previous cycles, health coming together as tending to exercise & diet more diligently, creative process & output advancing… all pretty noteworthy, and worth self-acknowledgement, even if not as grand and exciting as the mind with its addictive compulsivity towards quick-fix dopamine might like. But. Yin & yang.
On the flip side, taking hermitude to an extremity may have had some unhealthy consequences. For the first time in my life, I’ve been coming to know “loneliness.” While I’ve always felt like something of an “outsider,” the exploration of depths of isolation the last few years sure as fuck doesn’t feel like “ascension” or “progress.” And while I’d nearly felt in acceptance of my separation around the two year mark, something got stirred up - and peace around/about/with it has remained elusive ever since. Here we are now, approaching 5 years, and it don’t feel like I’ve “moved on,” “let go,” or any of that… on the contrary, it feels like I’ve slipped into an abyss/purgatory from which there is no “transcendence” or “transmutation.” The thought of any new relationship at all… ha. Who the fuck I be kidding. Smart, talented, financially-independent, spiritually-awakened, good-looking - I might have a fairly attractive package on the surface, but some of the baggage in the unseen depths… the isolation of hermitude serves in some healthy ways; and perhaps self-sabotaging in others, as avoidance of reflections that can only come via relationships entails also cutting off from the sense of connection, joy and aliveness that can only come from/through them. But it’s not like timing & agendas can be willfully forced, either. And as per confirmation bias and “manifesting timelines” via the gunk of subconscious beliefs and all that jazz, there comes the portal to the ‘feedback loop from hell’ yet again as not only feeling an increasing depth of loneliness & isolation, but the self-judgement and all that shady jazz around “not making an effort” to “get out of the comfort zone” and/or follow conventional advice on what one “should” do to “make friends,” have a healthy social life, etc, etc.
Smart or stupid, resisting giving the government $$ to blow on wars against humanity or at peace with it, healthy & creatively flowing or not, “on the highest timeline” or “manifesting” subpar outcomes, yada, yada, yada… so comes the lesson, “money can’t buy you happiness.” If my mind amped back up to the level it felt at in Bali, income tax was abolished, and crypto skyrocketed to astronomical levels, loneliness and the depths of emotional lows really ain’t gonna be that much better in a nicer condo & car. Sharing memes & celebrating reaching the moon with crypto bros around the world on social media will never compensate for the lack of deeply-meaningful face-to-face friendship and a real sense of physical community.
Along with that ‘stir-up’ of whatever just when I thought I’d accepted the separation, came a marked descent. Call it “depression” or whatever you will, there was the entrance into a lengthy low emotional wave that no amount of “positive thinking,” “intentional willful action,” or anything has been able to ‘pull me out of’ for more than a brief period. Three years. And three years since started having unexplainable eye issues that come & go. Three years… well fuck damnit, I don’t even know what specific or notable occurred within those three years to provide any sort of “evidence” that I may have made any real “progress” beyond a few superficial things. (Or is mind still looking for obvious signs on the surface, while downplaying the unseen growth underneath?)
Granted, different phases of life, different wants & needs, different values, different times. And truthfully, the slower pace and quiet of hermitude has been nice. The rest, perhaps needed. Not as flashy and exciting as the adventure of previous chapters, but in order. And, it has been satisfying during this time to observe the collective awakening. To witness - from a distance, via social media - the “timeline shifts” humanity has been going through. To see more & more of the corruption I’ve detested getting exposed, and a growing population not standing for it anymore. Even in the midst of my personal lull, it’s been reassuring to see the world changing. And ebb & flow as the emotional waves always will, there do come the questions at times: is such external awakening & change - at some quantum level, as many “spiritual” teachers suggest - a macrocosm of the microcosm of my own inner work I’ve been doing in isolation? Might this be “the higher timeline,” all in perfect order & timing?
But of course, ebb & flow as the emotional waves always do… back around it ‘always’ comes. With the questions: is there really “progress” occuring and its just one step back after a couple forward? Or self-delusion & distraction as looking outward… while “looking inwards” 9 out of 10 times seems to lead straight back into a purgatory-abyss? The questioning and intellectual-masterbation could carry on indefinitely, without any answers or conclusive insights or certainty putting the doubts to rest. For every bit of “evidence” of “progress” that could be found, there’s another for “degression.” For all the “what you focus on expands” rhetoric and merit to/for it, there may be a counterbalance of wisdom in acknowledging intent to control focus may quickly become a slippery slope to bypassing and neglect of what isn’t “love & light” yet needs acknowledgement & acceptance to actually “move forward.”
Yin and fucking yang, motherfuckers.
Those motherfuckers selling $5000 weekend “manifestation” seminars claiming “you can have it all” conveniently forgot opportunity cost.
And the rhetoric of all those motherfuckers preaching “timelines” might be equally as appealing, oozing hopium-fuelled fantasy of a life full of rainbows & unicorns. But in the meantime, here on earth, in this human journey, there’s a full spectrum of light & dark. And the dark ain’t all out there in the form of a political opponent, globalist oligarch, industry titan, fanatical cult we’d never be a part of, etc, etc. It’s every bit as much in our own DNA, psyche and soul as any other part of existence we could point to outside ourselves, no matter how much ego might wanna deny.
Blah, fucking blah, motherfuckers.
Upward spiral… more awareness, maturity, wisdom, progress with health in some regards… maybe, yeah.
Downward spiral… “loss” of spirit, faith, optimism, health in other regards… maybe, yeah.
Is there any “timeline” as part of the human experience where the yin comes without the yang and progress comes without at least a step back for every two forward?
Might a “dumbing down” equally be part of the process sometimes - perhaps a necessary humbling knock-down of ego that gets ahead of itself, stepping down from needing to be ‘the smartest in class’ as entering a new era of growth wherein different forms of intelligence are required other than those that served us in previous chapters? Maybe the “midlife crisis” is a perfect timing for such - calling into check where our “smarts” have failed to result in a truly rich, satisfying life that wouldn’t need all this doubting & questioning.
Yada, yada, yada.
Yeah, I question if I “created” - or at least haphazardly, unconsciously influenced - this “timeline,” with all its inner turmoil. It’s been years since I felt truly alive… how could I not question my role here. For all the sugar-coated “you’re exactly where you’re meant to be” memes and rhetoric common in “spiritual” circles, it doesn’t exactly feel like it much of the time. Surely, it’s only natural to contemplate on what we mighta done “wrong” or could do differently to “get back” to feeling alive again and/or at least half as happy as many others seem to be with/in their own lives.
Granted, maybe the darkness - feeling the full spectrum of emotions - IS part of being alive, albeit a different chapter.
And of course, I’ll challenge that logic too. After all, it very well could be myself keeping myself “stuck.”
Maybe I’ve got complacent in my current comfort zone, ignored guidance, callings, intuition, etc. while justifying it with reasonable logic. Maybe I’ve shut myself down and closed off to possibilities (or “timelines”), choosing to retain what little control I might have over life by isolating myself from it. Inevitably, come the questions: would travel “break me out of my shell” and breathe some life back into my spirit, the same way it had in the past? While knowing, wherever I go, there I am, taking my internal baggage with, and that escapism is a strategy that would likely only make things worse, no matter how much a fresh supply of adventure-induced dopamine might feel good for a brief moment until the emotions I’ve been avoiding all resurface again. (And how foolish to burn energy in those contemplations, while only days away from the start of snowboard season - thinking so much further ahead and wanting to escape my present state that not even slowing the fuck down to embrace the blessings at my doorstep with eagerness to make the most of them while here. Talk about dumb.)
And then…
While I’ve spoken to and done my best to embody the distinction between consciousness and belief - operating from consciousness as much as possible and aiming to eliminate beliefs to clear space for it - maybe that itself (d)evolved into a belief system of its own and became a counterproductive approach to life. Maybe cognitive bias slipped in the back door unnoticed, beliefs masquerading in disguises that escaped detection. Maybe I went so anti-belief that I unplugged from the possibilities of belief being something that could effectively serve me through these valleys, such as that of “faith” and “trust.” Whether it was the hard-knocks of heartbreak, the exhaustion from ambitiously striving for “greatness,” or just “part of the process,” a cynicism crept in and sideswiped me at some point; and while I might judge others’ “naive” overoptimism and adherence to platitudinal memes as examples of “toxic positivity,” perhaps I’ve left myself out in the cold by swearing off belief altogether - when it might/could be the bridge to the energy of trust that’s been absent since my inner descent really began, and the whole looking at consciousness as somehow “superior” to belief coulda just been narcissistic, spiritual ego sneaking in and taking the reigns.
God damn, this thing called “life.”
But hey, ”quality problems.”
Maybe things are “all working out for the best,” in spite of the emotional dips, and there will come a point when looking back with awe & gratitude for the ride as it all makes sense. Maybe not - as “best” is entirely subjective, and life’s just a bit of random shit show, no matter how much people parrot narratives of “manifesting highest timelines” and such hopium-laced shit. Maybe I’m not hard enough on myself, and have just been letting myself off the hook with bypassing & escapism as being a little bitch wasting my life away spinning in circles rather than really manning-up and exercising true discipline to actually change what clearly hasn’t been working, using deluded “it’s all working out for the best” logic to relieve myself of responsibility for my own misery while numbing the pain of frustration, anger and soul unrest with fucking hopium, while not even actually believing it. (And simultaneously, ying & yang - being too damn hard on myself, still trying to willfully push & force with those conditioned ideas “discipline” and what “should” be. Ah, the ceaseless, maddening bouncing back & forth, ebbs & flows of duality.)
What do I know. Apparently “not enough” to un-mindfuck my way out of purgatory.
Or maybe I do… but just haven’t applied, integrated, and embodied it. Ah, good ol’ “youthful folly.”
Maybe I’ve said too much.
Maybe I haven’t said enough.
Cue the R.E.M.
Blah, blah, blah. I’m out.