Growing up we are filled with all kinds of ideas, good and bad, programmed by society, school, parents, and friends. As we get older we seldom realize where our beliefs and perspectives come from. They are a story we tell ourself but often this story was inherited from others.
I’ve been trying to rewrite myself in order to build the kind of life I want to live, and it’s been over a decade long journey. There are so many twists and turns and traps and surprises hiding in the maze of a psyche that animates this body.
One of the stories I’ve had the hardest time with is the story about money and work and authenticity and balancing them.
I’ve tried practicing appreciation and I am sure it’s had some minor effect on my overall mindset but I can’t really say it’s changed my life much. If anything I think it’s made me more emotionally stable to realize all the good in my life, and I’ve become better at expressing gratitude which i think is important.
But I can’t say that feeling thanks for anything or saying affirmations has helped me feel more abundant or solved any money problems. It hasn’t opened up any new income streams just yet.
From today I decided to try a similar meditation to prep myself for appreciation, before actually practicing it. Instead of saying thank you for all I appreciate, and instead of trying to envision myself with money and resources that I don’t currently have, I’m just observing the things I have that other people might value, without any pressure to feel thanks for it, just stepping outside my ego and emotions and objectively observing the positive aspects of my life.
I am imagining what amount other people might pay for these things. I wouldn’t sell them even if I could but this is a just a practice to recontextualize things and see myself as rich, because, in a very real sense, I am.
Money is just a convenient vehicle for energy, and so if I can see myself to see just how much energy I have around me, all the different forms of abudnance or energy, perhaps it will help me rewire all those old beliefs that money is somehow out of my hands or that making money means being miserable or insincere.
By retraining my mind, the most desirable possible versions of my life that are still accesible will become more readily available for me. The inspiration and focus to achieve whatever it is I want to achieve will be able to flow much better.
I have a whole lot of support, skills, resources, and people on my side, even if it doesn’t always feel like there’s a clear and dignified way to turn that into a monetary income stream. But if I managed to find such incredible people and have all the experiences I’ve had, money shouldn’t be any harder if I can dismantle those old beliefs and get out of my own way.
I have sooooo much to be thabkful for and maybe the idea that I SHOULD be thankful for it (as if I am some ungrateful little brat for wanting anything more) has prevented me from feeling all of my appreciation fully. Even appreciation is a muscle that needs to be worked on and guilt or forcefulness isn’t going to help it grow.
Here are some of the things I have that other people would pay for:
My partner is my best friend, and nothing about that is forced. We get enjoy each other’s presence almost every single day and help each other grow and support each other.
I live in Japan, one of the most culturally unique places in the world and one of the largest producers of interesting media. People dream of coming here their whole lives. Not only that it is one of the safest countries on earth.
I have friends all over the world who teach me all kinds of things, not only about their cultures and lifestyles, but different approaches to life with the wisdom of experiences that are unique even within their own cultutes.
I imagine that my relationships are worth millions to people but they are worth even more to me. I don’t need to imagine selling any of them because if I could figure out how to build up this many million dollar friendships, I could surely figure out a few million dollars.
I may not feel I got much out of it but i went to an expensive university that cost many times more money than I need to achieve my dreams right now. Applying for schools and student debt may be more straightforward than building my dreams but it’s a sign of the abundance of my life.
I’d definetly sell this back if I could, at half price even, but I can’t so at least I can appreciate how this experience taught me about the world and what I don’t want. It taught me how to live in a world that is far from ideal and trusting my own judgement rather than allowing myself to be gaslit.
I have played music on stage over 50 times, written around 30 songs and played with brilliant musicians much better than myself. Some of my favorite musicians have acknowledged me and said positive things about my music. I’ve even jammed with a few of them.
I have busked and hitchhiked and travelled around East Asia, to temples and villages in the mountains and festivals and have experienced the most beautiful mundane moments I could possibly imagine with strangers at a cafe. I did so st my own pace, staying weeks or months instrad of days in every location.
I watched the stars from a hammock in a tree on an island with a population of less than 100. I opened a community art space overlooking the ocean for a year. I learned chinese massage with a true wizardess and was taken care of by strangers when I fell on hard times.
People spend 10’s of thousands or 100’s of thousands of dollars in their lifetime to experience the feeling of adventure I lived for 6 years and many have never actually achieved it.
I’ve had out of body spiritual experiences that I hardly talk about because they sound so fantastic, but they added an extra depth of meaning to my life. There is absolutely no way to put a price tag on this but there are people who would give absolutely everything they have for it.
I built up crypto savings that serve as a safety net, and will help propel me to the next level if they see the same kind of 3-5x they saw last cycle.
I’ve seen under the hood of the system at large, and a thousand flavors of systems that individuals build for themselves. I see past most common biases on both sides of many disagreements.
I overcame severe depression, explosive rage and crippling self doubt, among other emotional distortions and I did it on my own so I have all kinds of blueprints for how people can help themselves.
I’ve also made more than a fair bit of mistakes that I have learned from.
I’ve written almost every day for 8 years, always with the goal of undrstanding myself and the world better and recontextualizing things in order to build a narattive that fits the life I am trying to build.
In many senses I’ve been giving myself the education I wanted and the one necessary in order to achieve the things I want to achieve.
The only missing piece is the monetary resources and the faith that in this world made of energy, all I need to do is believe and let inspiration continue to pull ne fore ard because all the groundwork has been laid and work that excites me doesn’t feel like work.
Quiet the mind, don’t feel guilty if appreciation doesn’t come naturally because the narrative I learned from society is that none of this joy and abudnance is even possible without devoting myself to a system of control. It’s not as if I haven’t worked hard, but much of these things came not from compromise and suffering, but from my devotion to universal love.
If there is no gain without pain, then the gain I’ve made so far was not numbers in a bank account but super powers that make numbers in a bank account look easy, so there’s only one last step, put those numbers in there. Should be a piece of cake.
Music, fiction, socials: