I had an epiphany last night.
It occurred when I ran into a friend and her friend, both of whose high school aged children I tutor. One of them was apologizing profusely for her children being difficult. I had no idea what she was talking about. They are all very sweet high school kids.
It occurred to me after she apologized for the 4th time that this might be her own social anxiety and awkwardness coming out. She doesn't know what to say to me, so she says the first thing she can think of....
Well it makes me uncomfortable.
Two of them aren't very serious about school, but from my perspective, it's hard to see why they would be serious about school. School isn't all that serious about school in Japan. Everything hangs on entrance exams, so as long as you cram for a year before those tests, you do ok.
If there is one thing I'd say the kids are lacking, it's their own vision about what they want to do with their life, which, if I were to be totally honest, is mostly due to pressure from society and their parents.
Both parents, pretty drunk, said they like me, their kids like me, and they want me to keep teaching them but that I'm too nice.
Too nice....
Too nice...?
Yeah, I guess I am too nice.
Not strict enough with the kids? Why do I need to be strict with the kids? They are told they need to learn English by countless people who treat "passing the test" as speaking English. Most people in Japan who speak English get jobs that don't require English because many of the jobs that require English don't pay as well.
Basically English is used as an empty credential for high paying jobs to decide who to hire, not because they will actually use it.
That...is retarded.
And in Japan, just like in your culture and just like in my culture, there are things that don't make any sense but that are supported by years conditioning. We can't change by ourselves and so most people just accept the way it is and teach their kids to prepare in a way that they think will help them "succeed" in life, which includes excepting these dumb things.
But no one is asking these kids seriously what they are passionate about. No one is helping them find what they are passionate about. All exploration is done inside of school which is essentially prison, and after school activities which are essentially parole.
Kids, all over the world are expected to go into debt and choose a major and start working without having any experience of the real world beyond what their parents curate for them, and most parents are too scared to question just how limited their own view is.
So yeah.
I think I am too nice.
I think I need to be stricter.
Not strict about English. Not strict about making mistakes or forgetting homework...strict about what people's motivations are for putting the time, money and energy into the things they are putting time money and energy into. Stricter about helping students find what it is that excites them and doing everything they can to pursue it.
It will certainly clash with what their parents are trying to instill in them, which are fear based. They don't hit their kids or force them to do anything, but they instill a lot of fear in them around doing what they are "Supposed to do".
(It's easy to say this is an Asian thing, but I really don't think it is, I find it with American, Dutch, Italian, South American, and African friends just to name the first that come to mind, although it takes different forms in different cultures).
If there is one thing I can do as a teacher, it's help people overcome their fear of "supposed to", because this holds them back more than anything.
“I'm supposed to go to university". "I'm supposed to find a company to hire me, rather than start one myself or get good at a skill and find my own clients". "I'm supposed to have kids". "I'm supposed to follow the norms of the culture I grew up in".
I'm not saying everyone needs to rebel against everything. But I believe in questioning everything and facing fear around whatever is holding us back, and I sense so much fear around these questions, in almost everyone.
I'm supposed to be strict with the kids, I'm not supposed to be strict with the parents. The parents are where I get my income from and I'm "supposed to" prioritize my own wellbeing over everything else. But I want to see a world where we can be more authentic and where more people are fueled by passion than fear.
And so I've made my decision to be more strict, but not in the way I'm supposed to.
Not only with my students but in other areas of my life, I've avoided conflict as much as possible without allowing myself to be a pushover. If I'm forced to choose betraying my ideals and following them, I always choose to follow them. But when I'm not forced to choose, when there is more nuance, when the right answer isn't clear, I usually sit on the sidelines.
I think it's time for me to start challenging myself to say uncomfortable things. Most importantly, when I feel I've been pressured into another persons framing. I can keep nodding my head and listening at first, just long enough to hear them, to understand them. From there I will tell them that's just not how I see the world, and leave it at that unless they want to understand me better.
I don't need to argue with them. If they want to debate, I can choose whether to engage or just tell them I don't want to debate, we are all entitled to see things the way we see them. And if they want to create distance with me, that is their problem, and if the consequences effect me, I'll try my best to work with them to find the best possible outcome, without allowing myself to be pulled into the influence of other peoples "supposed to"'s.
I think it's an important time for me to do this because I've already trained myself to be a good listener and to share my ideas with people willing to listen. Now with those skills I want to practice pushing back against toxic ideas, LIKE THE HABIT OF APOLOGIZING FOR YOUR KIDS TO EVERYONE WHEN THEY'VE DONE NOTHING WRONG. Think about what kind of subconscious effect that must have on them, even as young adults!
Or the idea that "Life isn't 'supposed to' be easy" and "You can't have your cake and eat it too" Yes life has challenging and sometimes it's unfair but that doesn't mean we can't flow with our experience, and in the flow have a sense of ease and find meaning.
It's all perspective, and if people want to try and pull people into their perspectives, it would be good for me to get good at subverting these attempts and promoting more constructive perspectives wherever I can.
