I think that I am a pretty encouraging parent for Smallsteps, but I also wonder if I am going about it in the wrong way. For example, she was at a friend's birthday party, which was held at a climbing center for kids, and because there weren't enough workers monitoring, I lent a hand to help the children with the harnesses and safety equipment. However, most of the time I was helping Smallsteps, as she was struggling out of fear.
I would encourage her to be brave, I would say "you can do it" and how all those hours spent on the rings in her room has built the strength she needs to do this easily. She would climb about three meters up, then jump back down. This went on for about forty five minutes, and they would only have an hour in there.
That is until...
While about to come down again, instead of encouraging her to keep going, I said "Fine, and had a look of disappointment on my face" as I dipped my head. A moment later I looked up again, and she was climbing higher with determination in her body. And she didn't stop until she got to the top, slammed the button and then abseiled back down.
She was ecstatic once she landed.
And once down, it was straight onto the next wall, striving to top it, and then onto the next. And a couple minutes after topping the first and then them saying "five minutes left" on the time, Smallsteps was keen to go on, and disappointed she had to stop.
"When can we come again?"
Which begs the question.
If the role of a parent is to encourage their child to try new things, improve themselves, learn to fail and all of that, should the style of parenting be based on what makes the parent comfortable, or what is best for the child?
It felt terrible to feign disappointment like that, but I wanted to see if it would have an impact on Smallsteps' behavior, and it had the predicted outcome. Not wanting to "disappoint me", she lifted her game, and while that might not sound like a healthy attitude, perhaps it is a personal preference for her, where something in her wants to meet the challenge.
Like it or not, our behaviors are influenced by what we perceive as the expectations of others for us, even if we want to pretend that they are not. In some way, we are all affected by other's opinions and in my experience, those who believe they are unaffected, are often the ones who are actually the most affected.
Is it a bad thing to be influenced by others?
I don't think so.
At least when we actually want to be influenced into behaving a particular way, or accomplishing a goal. For instance, if I am looking to increase my fitness level, it is best I hang out with people who are looking to do the same. Not only that, it would be even better if I could workout with them, so they can encourage me to push a bit harder, and watch me do it to keep me accountable. I suspect that at least most of us are going to shift our behavior in some way, when we think we are going to disappoint someone whose opinion we care about.
Do you admit it?
I don't want to use this as the only mechanism to encourage my daughter, because I really don't think that is healthy. However, I wish that my own parents found ways to encourage me to try more, do more, and overcome more - but they weren't even bothered enough to feign disappointment in my lack of attempt. When left to my own devices as a child, I took the easy path. As an adult, it has made things far harder than they need be.
There was no one standing at the bottom of the wall at all.
Taraz
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