Shadow Work Continued
As a brief introduction, I started doing shadow work, a psychotherapy that goes over traumas, past experiences and the like to uncover your shadow, or the subconscious mind that reflects your personality. There are various prompts out there for people to begin journaling, so I took one that stood out and formed it into a reflection for readers interested. I began today with the following question:
The Uniform Doesn't Unify Students, When One Kid Wears It
I think the first thing that ever made me truly self-conscious was my school uniform. My mother still explains herself from an air of vindication. I was made to wear one, without fail, because my mother is a traditional West Indian woman. Now, she wore them when it was compulsory that all students wore them. I, however, an American born elementary school student did not have to wear them anywhere other than a private institution, which I attended so briefly I only remember the asphalt playground on which we played during recess.
Apparently, school isn't about fashion or identity. If kids wear uniforms, they don't have to worry about sporting brand names and focus on what's more important, getting an education. I recite my mother's rationale to highlight how little liberty I had in my own identity from a young age. This tension most likely formed the cracks where insecurity and self-doubt seeped into my mental.
Otherwise, I didn't hesitate much. Whether my love of reading came from the illustrated children's dictionary my mother read with me on occasion or not, I cannot say. But, reading aloud in class didn't scare me. I just despised the questions from students about why I didn't wear "normal clothes".
My mother's glib suggestions for responses to my peers didn't help, either. What- am I gonna tell a bunch of elementary schools a light blue button-down, collared shirt, navy blue tie and dress pants with black dress shoes are normal? Maybe for my first day at Vertafore, or some other Fortune 500, such formal attire would fit. To run around at recess, I needed Reebok's. To get a passing grade in gym, only sneakers were needed. Imagine nearly failing P.E. on behalf of your Caribbean mother's stubbornness?
Aspirations So High I Feared The Fall
Aside from the uniform, self doubt came from great expectations. I don't blame Charles Dickens, except for the agony in my freshman year of high school. Insecurity came from these near-commands to be the best. Maybe a language barrier prevented my mother from just telling me "go for it", but she completed her Master's in medicine. My mother knows what to say. More accurately, I felt an immense pressure to perform because coming back with anything less than 100% earned a lecture.
In my adult years, I realize my mother imparted a fair bit of an inferiority complex into my thinking. Or rather, her awareness of the discrimination Black people faced in the past and even presently, heavily influenced her messages to the puerile mind of this author in his formative years. She was giving her best rendition of some sentiment echoed popularly in the television series Scandal (2012-2018). I was surprised to find online that even Michelle Obama spoke to it, too.
You have to be twice as good as them to get half of what they have.
I don't know how my mother or the larger Black community came to repeat this thinking, but needless to say, I did not want this message after getting a B+ on a book report in the seventh grade. Am I ignorant to the history of discrimination people of color face? No. Does making generalized statements about doubling your efforts in regards to other people's bolster confidence? No, not really. So, dear readers, you and I agree that even if it was meant to inspire in its own motherly, deterministic Black way, my mother may not have accomplished her goals.
Comparison Is The Killer Of Joy, My Friends
I didn't take so much of what she said away, as I tried to shake the creeping insecurity that in some, inconceivable manner that I was less than my peers. I already didn't consume enough content featuring protagonists of color to feel good in general. The idea that I might have to go harder than I already was just did not take over the years. Perhaps now, an ideal of increased work ethic might resonate, but since my formative years, a different axiom made much more sense.
Work smarter, not harder.
My first run-in with the concept would come at time that I sat too close to the TV to watch cartoons. I only did that because the cacophony of cooking, my parents conversing, or the Haitian music my dad played from his computer speakers seemed to reverberate throughout. Yet, I subscribed immediately. Why work more when you could work less by being clever?
I loved the concept. I loved it so much, I misinterpreted it much of the time and slacked off instead. Where I did succeed, however, I used systems, leveraged rules, all when I had no idea there were concepts for my efforts. I took this one trick I learned about memory from an Advanced Placement Psychology course in high school. Apparently, consolidation takes places while you sleep, so the secret to especially retaining material was to cover it before bed and get a full night's sleep! Even anecdotally, I noticed better learning and understanding.
I still don't subscribe to the idea that work ethic boils down to our differences. In fact, hard work sets you apart altogether, so the comparison unknowingly kills the joy of effort, struggle, failure and success. I don't want what I do to be a benchmark. I am only in competition with myself. I can be better than I was yesterday. Now, around 3 decades of life, I shed self-doubt by reminding myself the one I want to overcome looks back at me in the mirror.
Moreover, it's fair to say that I truly doubted myself as a kid, especially when I was compared. These experiences shaped my past, but they do not have to shape my future. The child I was yesterday has shaped the man I am today. I still believe, though, that the man I am today does not limit himself to his past. With what I learn and practice today, I have the power to shape the man I wish to be tomorrow. This journey into self-discovery, spurred by the happenstance of encountering shadow work on Pinterest, aligns with my current focus on self-improvement and growth. Each reflection on my past brings me closer to understanding the intricacies of shadow work, and I invite you to share your own insights on this transformative journey.
