Lately, I’ve made a quiet discovery.
My boyfriend caught this fish on a day he went for some quiet time by the river. Was so proud of himself. For someone who’s always felt deeply confident, I’m beginning to realize, there’s still a part of me that might be carrying some low self-esteem. It sounds contradictory, right? For the longest time, I used to think confidence and self-esteem were twins, two halves of the same thing. But I’m learning now that they’re not. At all.
I mean, I can speak publicly without fear. I can walk into rooms and own my space. I’ll address anyone, no matter who they are. In moments that call for strength, I show up. Confident. Composed. Collected. But then… why is it still so hard to set boundaries?
Why do I find myself people-pleasing to avoid hurting others? Or attracting the kind of people who shouldn’t even have the audacity to approach me? (And no, this isn’t pride, it’s self-awareness.)
If “birds of a feather flock together,” then it’s fair to ask: if I see myself as a certain kind of woman, shouldn’t I be attracting people who reflect that? That thought made me look closely at my sister.
When we were younger, I used to call her “selfish” because she would always choose herself first. But now that we’re older, I see it so differently. She still chooses herself, but with kindness and balance. She’s incredibly warm, yet she sets her boundaries so firmly. She carries herself like someone who knows her worth. And somehow, people, men especially, approach her with a different level of respect. It’s like her energy says: “If you want my attention, you better come correct.”
I admire that.
Meanwhile, here I am, confident, yes, but constantly playing the role of fixer. Healer. Listener. The one who attracts people who are broken and need mending. The ones who see me as a place to drop their emotional weight. And don’t get me wrong, I do find joy in listening, helping, and offering solutions. That part is very me. But when the fixing starts to drain me, when I’m left empty in the process… how does that serve anyone?
I’ve also realized something funny: I used to think my sister had “mean girl” energy. But looking closely, she’s never rude. She just doesn’t pretend. If she doesn’t find your joke funny, she won’t laugh. Me? I’ll laugh just to make someone feel good.
And that’s I connected the dots. Confidence is external, it’s how you show up. But self-esteem? That’s internal. It’s what you believe you deserve. And those two aren’t always aligned. I used to think I had both. Now I know I’ve been nurturing my confidence, while unintentionally neglecting my self-esteem. So this is where I am now:
I'm learning that self-esteem shows up in how I let people treat me. In whether or not I feel enough when it’s just me and my thoughts. Because you can show up confidently, speak beautifully, wear the right things, smile the right smile, and still not believe you’re truly worthy.
And that’s where I want to grow. I want to walk into every space as both confident and deeply rooted in self-worth. Not just someone who can shine under the lights, but someone who still feels radiant even when they’re off. I’m not trying to become the “mean girl.” I just want to be the girl who loves deeply, smiles genuinely, sets boundaries fearlessly, and shows up for herself just as much as she shows up for others.
So here’s my new focal point: Confidence, yes. But now, self-esteem too. Not tied to performance. Not tied to validation. Just rooted in me.
How about you? Have you always known that confidence and self-esteem are different or did you believe they're a pair too?
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