A year ago it was our 37th anniversary, a normal Thursday, July 27th. Despite the special date, for me it was just another day where I needed to go to work and I was late, as usual. I am sure that just like every year you had prepared the best of surprises to make me laugh and make me happy with your witticisms; what neither of us knew is that on that day, just on our wedding anniversary our lives would change forever...
For those who don't know me, I am Zoraida, the wife and now widow of user @armandolnrs. It's been a long time since my last post, but life called me to take care of my husband's health since that day when a car accident left him unable to walk and eventually took his life with complications on February 2nd; today it's been 6 months since the most painful day of my life, when my children Jesús and Armando told me at midnight that their dad had passed away.
I still don't understand this last year, what happened, why God allowed this to happen. Is it a punishment? But so many nights of crying and reflection will not be able to answer my questions. I have thought a lot and I feel that the death of my beloved husband has been that definitive healing that I asked for so much in my prayers; Armando was a happy man with a free soul, the medical reports indicated that the damage that was caused was in his spinal cord, so he could not walk again and he would not have control of his sphincters; this was definitely not life for my husband, I believe that sooner or later he would become very depressed, because although we do believe in miracles, the reality of a definitive healing was still very far away.
What surprises me most about my situation is realizing how life moves forward without him. At first I felt that no one cared about my husband's death, but now with a calmer mind I have reflected deeply and I can see the mark he left on the world, especially in the music he made, in the formation of my children and even here at Hive where so much of the affection he cultivated in other people was demonstrated. Armando is not gone, his essence is felt in every corner of the house and in every action I take on a daily basis.
The first six months with him in bed were terrible and beautiful. Terrible because we didn't know how to treat such a heavy and delicate man, a man who never finished healing the wounds of his multiple surgeries. Every day was a new learning of medical care and a physical effort I never thought I would have; but I also celebrated many times that the best wedding anniversary gift he gave me was to be left alive, because the magnitude of his accident was to die on the spot and it was not. My black man even held on to give us one more Christmas as a family.
The last six months have been just as painful, but without his presence, without his smell, without his warmth, only his memories accompany me. Unfortunately the strongest moments still come to my mind, I can not control it, but I have begun to drain through the company of good friends and music, that music that he himself left halfway and that I have had to continue through his choral groups. My children have also recommended me back to Hive and write and drain my feelings through the words. I hope I do not misunderstand anyone, but it is therapeutic to start talking about this subject that I have just saved myself for all this time.
I no longer have and will never have new photographs with him. We only have beautiful memories of a life that was happy. Thank God I was always clear about how happy we were and I made the most of every minute, so today I can only recommend to everyone to live the love of their people to the fullest; it is inevitable to get upset eventually, but it is in your hands to heal those feelings and move on. Enough of giving away our best smile only at work and with neighbors, at home are the real people who deserve the best of us. Love, love, love a lot, we never know when will be the last look, the last goodbye? The last "I love you".
