The older i get, the more it feels like i have no clue what I’m doing… or maybe that’s wisdom kicking in - acknowledging the extent to which life’s been lived under the direction of a conditioned/programmed mind, whose agendas & strategies are bound to cease working effectively sooner or later. It’s unsettling, observing the Truth in the, “if you wanna make God laugh, tell him your plans,” saying - eventually having to come to terms with the fact we have far less control in life than the ego would like and only really perpetuate suffering when attempting to hold on.
It’s almost disturbing, thinking to the few here that might’ve known ‘me’ many years ago… how little we might still be able to relate, given I’m not even sure who “I” am after so many deaths, rebirths, deaths, and shedding skins of self-identity i once thought was “me” that turned out to be little more than roles i convinced well to play in order to ‘fit in’ or fuel a sense of self-importance… or perhaps i’ve been in hermit mode too long and too extreme, missing out on the reflections only others can offer of what parts of ‘me’ have actually stood the test of time’s cycles of breakdown & rebuilding.
There’ve been some explorations into the yin & yang of life I’d never anticipated - “awakening” not entirely fitting the idealized rainbows & unicorns fantasy many in the “new age” think… few of us really want to see just how deep & dark the shadows really go, and life paces the decent, as the human brain can only handle so much at a time. Funny, the reflection of this immersion into duality here on my profile with all the black & white the past couple years - so accurately speaking to the ‘lack of color’ that once seemed to shine to vibrantly back a decade ago when my journey here began while in Bali. Part of me would like to “get back” to that same youthful optimism, enthusiasm, radiant spirit, and appreciation for life’s bounty… while knowing all things evolve, things come & go in seasons, and it might actually be wiser to embrace the cold, dark silence of night rather than wishing it away for what will come in due time again (or not).
What shall come through these eclipses… perhaps it is not for us to know, but surrender to… 🌔
