Many relationships have been ruined due to a lack of understanding and ego on both sides. So many angry statements have been taken seriously. I've learned that a partner's ability to understand themselves affects whether a dispute is settled. The most important thing in this world at the end of the day is relationships. Relationships are what support our lives. Empathy is key to a healthy life, and a healthy relationship is equal to a happy life.
So often we think we are right and our partner is wrong. We think our pain is the only pain, our suffering the only suffering, our thoughts the only thoughts, our experiences the only experiences. We have been taught to see the world this way, but it’s time to drop the ego and get a fresh perspective. It’s time to see the world through your partner’s views, not your own.
The ability to see the world through your partner’s lens is a beautiful thing. It makes you empathize with their experiences and pain, not your own. It makes you want to listen to their point of view, not your own. It makes you wanna know where they're coming from, not just your own.
Quarrels and misunderstandings will always be there in a relationship, but what matters is that you should be capable of clearing them as soon as possible by placing yourself in your partner's shoes. Never be the first one to defend yourself when communicating with your partner. Allow them to say something first in a conversation. Never assume what they are attempting to communicate to you.
The ability to manage your ego before your partner is the key to a sustainable relationship. It is the ability to be empathetic and understand your partner, no matter how wrong they are. The ability to manage your ego is the ability to be humble enough to admit when you’re wrong and be honest and open when you’re being spoken to.
In my 15 years of marriage, I have come to understand that the more I pinned down my ego the more submissive my wife became to me. I would always let my ego take over and speak about how wrong my wife was, and she would let her ego take over and fight back against my ego. Our relationship deteriorated rapidly, but I was not able to drop my ego. I was so focused on pinning down my partner’s wrongs and defending myself that I didn’t see how I was being a bully.
It wasn’t until I dropped my ego and I gave my partner the benefit of the doubt that we were able to resolve our differences and move on from those old arguments. I learned to be humble enough to admit when I was wrong and, to be honest, and open when I was being spoken to. I learned to drop the ego and fix the relationship.
I recall having a heated argument and disagreement with my wife one morning, and I was trying to persuade her to realize she was wrong for doing what she did. She, too, was talking back, attempting to persuade me of my error in the circumstances. The argument was so heated that I got weary of shouting at the top of my lungs and dashed out of the apartment to get into my car and drive to work. "Where are you running to, are you exhausted right now, go and come back, you will meet me in this house," my wife said as she hurried after me. "No dinner tonight for you," she tossed in, and to this, I said, "I no longer want to eat your food," and sped away in anger.
Upon going home in the evening while driving from the office, I deliberated over what had occurred and concluded that my wife having declined to cook supper for me there was no cause for me to return back to the house. I visited the home of a friend, a married couple who are long-time family friends. When they queried me on why I did not return home directly at once from work, I explained to them that I had a quarrel with my wife. They tried to counsel me but did not take sides in the matter. I departed some minutes after 10 p.m. and headed back home.
I knew that returning home at that time would pose a greater difficulty, and I braced myself for the worst case scenario. Upon entering the house, the first thing that caught my eye was the fact that the front door was wide open. As I stepped into the sitting room, I saw that my wife had not only prepared food for me, but had also classily served it for me in the dining room. The inviting scent of freshly prepared vegetable soup was wafting throughout the house. I didn't bother asking for my wife, I went straight to the dining table, drew a chair near, sat and started devouring whatever was served on the table because I was starving.
My wife came quietly behind me as I was hurriedly devouring the palatable vegetable soup and Semo (Cassava flake) and wrapped her hands around my neck with her chest against my back and whisper gently into my ear "I thought you said you would not eat my cooking anymore, I know you will always do". She sat next to me as I continued eating and spoke in a more polite way for me to understand her view on the subject of our contention. I listened to her more earnestly as though the palatable vegetable soup I was devouring had reset my brain. I suddenly got to admit my mistakes while she admitted hers also.
The ego can destroy a good relationship if not well managed. It takes two to tangle but unfortunately, it takes one to meddle. The greatest challenge in maintaining a good relationship is to control the ego. It takes wisdom, self-control, and restraint to manage the ego.
Whenever you get into a major disagreement with your partner do not expect them to drop their ego, instead, you drop yours and fix the relationship.