Don't have the time or the patience to go through all the Splinterlore texts and videos?
Don't worry, I did it for you and now we have a shorter, funnier and dumber version. Enjoy!
The high members of the Mage’s guild were getting really freaked out. Some high Elders from the guild have been vanishing without a trace. Foul play? Assassination? Abduction? Nobody knew! What they did know is that some solution was needed quickly before the number of living associates became too low to play the usual Settlers of Catan boardgame nights (no magic allowed! Last year Fulgus the Fiery turned a sheep into a stone below the table, he ended being expeled).
The best Catan player was the great Viviana Amaris, she would always secure those Ore mines in order to build the cities first and gain advantage over the other players.
That’s why the supreme leaders decided to call her to do the much needed investigation: foul events have been happening in Northern Bay. A plague is spreading, with people dying , disappearing or dancing Baby Shark non-stop. There were hints that the Ash Mountain volcano could be a key spot to investigate, since some runes have been vandalized there.
Viviana was not it the mood for a heroic return:
- No way! I’m retired, my days of magic are done! If I cast another spell in this life I think I will puke a frog!
- We need your wits, Viviana. The same wits that allowed you to win all boardgames against our council.
- I just use statistics and probabilities to favor my dice rolls. There’s no magic in that, just logic!
- Great, use that to our favor. Please, you need to find out about this Dr Blight and the Creeping Plague.
- Look at my house now, I finally live near the beach, in a nice villa with a heated swimming pool. HEATED!
- Hmm. Is that a magic orb by the pool? Are you using magic as a pool heater?
- Errr… well, I… it’s for my grandkids, you know? They hate cold water…
- You know that is against the regulation, don’t you? “No Mage shall apply Magic, whatever the color, for leisure activities.”
- Please don’t take the heating out! I'll do anything you want!
Days later, Viviana was climbing the big mountain on her way to the volcano crater, cursing her luck and that damned guild where she worked for so many decades and got little appreciation.
Her long magic staff was supporting her weight and helping the climbing up. She felt the stream of sweat coming out of her armpits. “Shouldn’t have brought the full robe, my Wizards of the Coast t-shirt would suffice.”
As she approached the top, the air became heavy, and rain started pouring. A weird smell was present, it seemed like rotten asparagus.
Viviana reached the volcano crater, just to confirm: the runes have been violated. She hears a loud deep voice: “WELCOME!” She looks back, to see a dark figure with his curved back, bird-like mask, a cane with a green skull and a cool black long hat (“Slash” style).
- Dr Blight… we finally meet. Did you eat rotten asparagus, by any chance?
- No…
- You have green smoke coming out of that mask. Must be the asparagus.
- Silence, Fool! We were hoping they would send a younger Mage.
- We? Who’s “We”?
- Oooohwahahaa, you have no idea. I’m just a pawn. Higher forces are in play.
- A pawn…? All right, then. So you’re not even a bishop? Or a Knight?
- HE is above me!
- So, he’s a bishop? And he has a King and Queen in the higher hierarchy?
- Stop that! I… Ok, maybe I’m more than a pawn.
- Can you dash forward and then strafe right a bit? That would make you a…
- SILENCE!!!!
The evil bird raises his arms, causing a dark-green wave of energy that grows bigger as it sucks all life from the surrounding grass, plants and trees, that quickly turn gray and wither.
Viviana also prepares her spell. Rotating her staff, she summons all mud and rocks and launches that brown stream of elements against the dark wave. Both energy waves collide powerfully, causing a Dragonball-style back and forth wrestle.
Viviane and Blight were struggling, using all their strengths in charging more energy to their spells. In order to not make this just a physical fight, a dialogue erupts during the embate:
- Tell me, who is your master?
- My Creator. He is The Voice.
- The voice of what?
- THE Voice. Just that.
- I don’t get it. What voice?
- He is my master. He name is Silus. the Chaos Legion is coming, you have seen nothing yet!
- Well, I will see YOU die now!
Viviana pulls her last drops of energy to upgrade her spell and push Blight to the border of the crate. Blight feels the hot magma heat against his back, burning his black cape. Blight counter-attacks:
- Wuuuh, hot hot. Your grandkids would like this heat, no? They like heat.
- WHAT…!!??? wh... what do you...?
Viviana loses her focus and also her balance. Dr Blight invokes a dark wind to her back, pushing her to air, just above himself and into the volcano’s hole. Viviana just could not understand. How did he know about he grandkids and the heated pool… ? Unless someone... oh no. no, no, no. Game over. We’re doomed. Viv closes her eyes as accepting her fate.
Gravity pulled Viviana into the lava pit, there was nothing she could do now, except to feel the irony of diving into another hot pool.
Blop…
.
.
.
The End
During the credit roll:
On the top of the crater we see the silhouette of Dr Blight dropping on his knees, pulling his mask up in order to vomit a green liquid torrent, totally nauseated. Now he knows for sure: those asparagus were not good for consumption.
Long story short (with link to previous stories):
1- THE VOICE - Geeky doc becomes badass dr Blight
2- MESSENGER - Nerdy folk overpacks his bags for his mission
3- CREEPING - cute pirate orphan faces scary music
4- PROTECTOR - Retired mage leaves comfort and goes on a last battle
(to be continued)
If you enjoyed this revamped story, any token of appreciation is welcome. ;)
And if you want to read the ORIGINAL Splinter Lore stories, go to https://www.splinterlore.com/chaos-legion