Following from my introductory post about grief and how I’ve experienced it over the past couple of years now, I’d like to have a quick look at the stages of grief. In my experience, I didn’t track how I was moving from one stage to the next, to be honest, I wasn’t even aware of my progression through grief until I’d reached the end of the cycle. I’m not even sure if I’ve experienced each stage, and I certainly didn’t progress through them in order. I’d also like to identify that even though I feel I’ve reached the end of this grief cycle, I don’t believe the one truely ever actually stops grieving - I think it just becomes easier to manage, and that as the saying goes, time does help to heal the hurt.
The Stages
Whether one believes in the five or seven stage model of the grief process probably doesn’t matter that much. You’re still aware of the idea that there are certain emotions that are experienced when grieving. I believe that the seven stage model is probably more accurate. In my experience of finding out that my son has a degenerative neuromuscular condition that has no cure, I know that for a long time, I was in shock rather than denial, so for me, I can definitely identify with the seven stages better.
Here are the seven stages1 one could expect to experience:
- Shock
- Denial (5 Stage Theory - Stage 12)
- Anger (5 Stage Theory - Stage 2 2)
- Bargaining (5 Stage Theory - Stage 3 2)
- Depression (5 Stage Theory - Stage 4 2)
- Acceptance and hope (5 Stage Theory - Stage 5 (commonly known as Acceptance) 2)
- Processing grief
The seven stage model has added two extra stages over the five stage model which, I believe, are quite significant in helping to find comfort and processing feelings. I’ve found that both shock and processing are probably the most significant stages I’ve experienced and I think that my commencement on Hive has been aligned to my entering the processing stage. It’s through writing that I’ve been able to really get thoughts in order and to really consider how I feel about all of this.
The Dawn of My Process
I'm not sure that having entered the grief process, one ever actually leaves it. I suspect that everyone who enters spends the rest of their life bouncing around inside of the 'grief bubble' - a reluctant member of this elite club. Whilst I'm almost certain that I'm in the processing phase, where I'm trying to understand grief, I think that I'll forever carry the other stages and the intensity of the emotional responses of each of these will move in in the peaks and troughs of waves. Now I've reached processing, I must make something of it. I don't want to let my experiences becomes pointless. If I go through this and don't use it to help others, regardless of how that help looks, then it'll have been a wasted experience. I want to draw on my strengths as an educator and teach through the trauma. Anything less will be selfish.
How, then do I feel I've worked through my grief? Well, I think I was in denial before we even had the diagnosis confirmed - I remember sitting for long periods of time, waiting for the results of the blood test used to diagnose DMD and just saying over and over, 'It won't be positive. It won't be positive.' I don't know if this is denial or me trying to exercise the power of positive thinking, but there haven't really been many times since the diagnosis that I've entered denial too much. I must admit - often, in discussion of the condition with my wife, we both often say things like, 'How can this be possible?' But I'm not sure we mean these statements as actual denials - it's more us trying to grasp the enormity of the situation.
To deny is to say that something doesn't exist however my son does exist. He hasn't died, and as such, I need to make sure that I don't let grief become too consuming lest I miss moments. I sometimes ask myself if I even deserve to grieve this diagnosis. After all, I haven't lost him, and who knows, perhaps a cure will be found before he runs out of time and all of this will have been futile. I don't know. We'll see.
Get Involved
I'd love to open a dialogue about this, as well as hear your thoughts on anything that has been written about in this post. Please leave any comments or ideas for further exploration.
**Bibliography**
1 HCF - Coping With Loss: The 7 Stages of Grief
2 What Are the 5 Stages of Grief?
Header Image Source - K. Mitch Hodge via Unsplash