Though I did some serious rewiring already, I am starting to see how stuck I have been in that scarcity mindset.
Limiting myself for decades....
Because planning a future feels like a luxury when survival is the focus.
These posts are:
๐ฏ๐ ๐๐๐น๐ ๐๐ฝ๐ ๐น๐ถ๐๐ถ๐๐ ๐ผ ๐น๐พ๐น ๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐ป ๐ถ๐๐น ๐๐ ๐ท๐๐๐พ๐๐ป ๐พ๐ ๐ถ๐ท๐๐๐น๐ถ๐๐ธ๐.
๐ฏ๐ ๐ท๐ ๐๐๐ถ๐๐๐ป๐๐ ๐ป๐๐ ๐๐ฝ๐ถ๐ ๐ผ ๐ฝ๐ถ๐๐.
๐ฏ๐ ๐๐๐๐ถ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ฝ๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ป ๐๐ฝ๐ ๐๐พ๐๐๐ ๐พ๐ ๐๐ ๐๐ธ๐ถ๐๐ธ๐พ๐๐ ๐๐พ๐๐น๐๐๐.
๐ฏ๐ ๐๐๐๐
๐๐ ๐๐ฝ๐ ๐น๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ป ๐
๐๐๐ธ๐๐
๐๐พ๐๐, ๐ถ๐๐น ๐๐๐๐๐๐ท๐๐ ๐๐ฝ๐ถ๐ ๐ผ ๐๐๐๐ ๐ท๐๐ป๐๐๐.
Now I know that is an issue, but in general, I feel I am in control. Not this time, even while I had no reason to doubt the outcome, I still had this feeling you get when you make a big bet in the casino.
Itยดs this crazy mind-body disconnect I have experienced so often when my rational brain knows everything is under control, but my nervous system reacts as if itโs in danger.
I always thought I was this structured logical fellow, so why does my emotional understanding not synchronise with my cognitive understanding?
I mean; "I know it will be fine" and yet my body reacts emotionally???.
This happens to me when the situation feels tied to my identity (like safety, control, worth).
My mind can not compete and is getting overridden by the bodyโs deeper memories of uncertainty, risk, or loss of control.
It feels like this is locked in my old survival patterns, where certainty equals safety, and any deviation triggers alertness.
In the past these uncontrollable outcomes were high stakes, as I had no option to lose.
Finding a new apartment always came with a deadline, and paying unexpected amounts could never be done by a buffer...or worse.
Being suspected or accused of an act I did not commit, but having to rely on others to prove my innocence
That causes it to feel like a huge bet at the casino.
Because even if I am logically sure of a good outcome, thereโs still:
A perceived loss of control (someone else decides the outcome),
An Emotional investment, even if outcomes are "okay",
A high level of vulnerability, as the past feelings override the current knowledge, the past memories of: "what if it goes wrong," dominate the body even when in reality I have nothing to lose.
My body is saying:
โI know the plan, but Iโve felt this before โ this feels risky.โ
I had to slow myself down and I did by:
- Body-based reassurance: Breathe, move, ground. Speak to my body the same way I would reassure a child.
- Acknowledge the split: "My mind knows this is safe. My body remembers a time when it wasnโt."
- Slow your reaction: Donโt try to "force calm." Accept and allow the feeling to exist without judgment.
I donยดt agree with this non logical feeling, but still itยดs there and if I search I am told that likely I am high-functioning with deep sensitivity.
And again it all comes down to balance, to honour both sides, mind and body.
It sounds like again, I found more work for myself, something new to heal and integrate. Lets see if I can find a little ritual to help....but that can wait.
First celebrate that itยดs Sunday, and that I feel calm, at ease with the world and the people around me. Very much looking forward to a future in which emotional, mental, physical, and financial abundance will all be a very well-balanced part of my life.
Thank you for making it this far....for those who know me...or better, think they know me, this might have been a WTF moment.
For me, this is a WTF journey, but I finally know my destiny: Avalon and reaching it with a balanced mind.
Reaching it aware of my wounds, my traumas, and working on that balancing act that could make the mind reach its full potential.
Not that I think I will be able to reach perfection in one lifetime or ten, but I at least looked at things from both sides now.
But be aware, a balanced mind might hide the unseen war between outer silence and inner chaos, never revealing that balance is seemingly and in truth only is a mask, a trap.
Those who are seemingly balanced are the ones that I trust most, because being human means repressed trauma, emotional imbalance, and above all others psychological duality.
Like Rudyard Kiplingยดs (1865 โ 1936) IF
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
Because I looked,
I looked at my mind from both sides now,
From up and down, and still somehow
It's my mindยดs illusions I recall
I really don't know my mind at all