I'm just gonna start this off by saying this will probably be another shorter game review like my last one, but for a different reason. That reason being that this might literally be such a bad game that it's slight against God himself. I'm thankful someone game shares with me so I didn't have to get this abomination of a game, because if I'd spent $60 expecting a half decent game from this I'd probably have drowned myself in my toilet bowl. This game is pretty much the personification of Vin Diesel sliding his pants down and just spraying a fat diarrhea all over games faces across the world. In short, it's just a genuinely bad game.
It's honestly kind of shocking Vin Diesel was involved with making such a trash fire, considering the guy was very heavily involved with the production of the Riddick video games which were solid games from what I remember. (Though, I was an edgy teenager when those game out, so maybe my mind is clouded from all of the emo/post hardcore music and monster energy drinks.) I would hope he didn't willingly put out this game, and that perhaps he was being chained inside of a basement only to be let out for his daily creatine dose and to do his measly voice lines. It's honestly confusing on how this game turned out the way it did, considering the developer has done nothing but car games including some entries into the need for speed franchise. Either way, lets get into this pile of dogshit, babyyy.
I can say with certainty that absolutely no one involved with making this game had any enthusiasm about making it. The game itself can be looked at in two ways, in my opinion. Option A: The game is barebones as fuck, with literally no meat to bite onto for the gameplay. Option B: This shit is a fucking scam for $60 of your sweet, sweet money. I would personally go with option B myself. Especially considering the fact that there's ONLY 2 hours of actual fucking gameplay and about an hour or so of cutscenes. So, you're getting a whopping flaccid 3 hours of content for the cheap price of $60, hellll yeah. Seriously, you would get a better bang for your buck by just taking the money and shredding it inside a blender, then butt chugging the entire container. It would not only be a better use of your money, but it might genuinely be a more healthy option since you wouldn't be rotting your neurons from playing this shit pile.
The narrative of the game itself is just an absolute stinker. It is abysmal, to the extent that watching a homeless man paint a wall with his own shit would be a more entertaining story to watch unfold. There's a lot going on in this games story that doesn't make much sense, to the point where I think it might be actually missing cutscenes. There is no intro cutscene to the game to explain anything, you're just dumped into a car with two crappy ass abilities and told to take down other cars. Scenes will come from seemingly no where and you'll have no idea what's happening, and nothing feels cohesive within the story. Almost like a portion couldn't be recorded due to budget issues or perhaps just poor production design. I wonder how that could possibly be?
The graphics themselves are an absolute joke considering we're in the year 2020, and this shit looks like it was made during the early PS2 era of visuals. So, I think we can safely say that beyond the gameplay and narrative, there was also no love or effort put into the visuals of the game. Vin Diesel looks like a deformed peanut on steroids inside of an adult VR game from several years ago, for an example. I don't think there was a single part of this game that actually was pleasing to the eye, and it's just a huge insult when indie games can look 20 times better than a big title release. The only game I can think of in the past year or so that rivals the disappointment you'll feel from the graphics is Crackdown 3, and that's saying some shit.
Beyond the 3 hour campaign mode, there's also another special treat hidden inside this amazing gem. And, that's the multiplayer mode, pussyyyy. But, oh wait...What? Multiplayer mode isn't functional because it's impossible to actually play since there's never been a playerbase? Welll, who would have guessed that thousands upon thousands of people wouldn't be flinging their bodies into this gelatinous pile of fuck where you couldn't actually find an online match. So, I can't really go over that portion of the game. I'm not even sure if there's a single human alive who actually could tell you about it, because it has barely gotten any traffic at all since its release. It requires 9 people to play a match, and that is quite literally a mathematical impossibility with how fucking terrible this piece of shit is.
One thing which I have to ask myself is, who the hell was this game made for? It obviously was a cash grab attempt at fans of the movie franchise, but I don't think any of them could give a single fuck about a fast and furious game. As someone who watches that franchise, we all just go in expecting absolute action shlock that is goofy as hell and contains james bond level villains and plots if they were from dollar general. And, we walk away gladly with a halfway erect penis all thanks to Vin Diesel and his family. Nobody wants to come home after that and then have a flaccid experience within the same universe.
And, this is also probably just a bit of a nitpick thing, but this game of course has to hammer you over the anus with the family theme which the movies also do. Can we just give that shit a rest at some point? It's starting to make me feel like Vin Diesel wants to start a cult called the Family, and all outcasts and incels are invited, so long as they spend $60 on this game and buy a movie ticket for the next 15 movies they release. It was honestly pointless and weird that this game babbled on and on about family with characters who we barely get to know or even give a fuck about. I would genuinely wonder if this isn't an attempt by the devs at preying on lonely people to buy this game or something. Can't say it would shock me they'd try to correlate sad, lonely men to being gamers. But, that's just a random theory off the top of my head.
I've went on enough though, there's not much else to say and I just don't want to waste anymore of my time on this. Overall, I definitely would recommend you not pick this game up. At least not for $60, or $30 or even $10. If you see this game on sale for $1.99 or $2.99, then maybe I would recommend you consider it. And, only for the fact that this game is so laughingly bad, that you'll probably be cracking up at most parts of the game. I would never say this game falls into the same category as something like The Room, where it's so bad it's good. But, it at least can entertain you with how pathetic it is for a little bit, which I guess is worth at least a couple of bucks. But, yeah. This game fucking blows, that's about it.
Until next time, dood's.
Later.
