Dust off your Amplification Machine and walk on over for Card Interviews & Insights here, on 103.5 - The Boost.
Bringing you the latest from the Battleground, it's me, the Smug Mug himself, Sentient Amphora. Now we've took a few wrong turns and certainly do not have full deck of cards these days, but - we are positively filled to the brim with the latest Interviews from the void and back again.
It's our inaugural show and we're out here, getting Louder with Graham the Amplification Machine and myself as always, putting our brasses on the line to bring you an inside glimpse of the going's on behind the Trial.
Ever wondered what's going through the manic mind of a Confused creature? Perhaps you're puzzled as to the origin of individual's odious Roar, or what unspeakable trauma led to a Minion remaining Hidden for the foreseeable.. Well, wonder no longer my hand shuffling friends, because we're roaming the compound, getting in touch with every Minion and Creature, Frontline and Leecher, that has your curiosity so very piqued..
Okay, this looks like a good place to stop.. we're in the Creature Cantina right now. No, no, you make a strong point Graham, our readers and listeners might not know exactly how things are around here.. Right, so. Imagine a colossal Food Court, within a grand.. Campus. Yes, even these Cards of yours require sustenance. But who gives a Flux about them and their eating habits, right? WRONG. Someone has to provide all these various indivudals with complex diet plans to assure they're in tip-top condition, y'know? Think.. professional athletes. Atlanteans need to grease the wheels, the occasional top up of mystical oils and unguents. We don't just keep going. And a lot of us don't exactly make the best dietary decisions or.. choices as to our wellbeing - as our good friend the Broken Harvester can attest to. Although.. bad example. But, have you ever known someone who just refuses to go to the mechanic? Asserts that it's "Nothing" or "It'll sort itself out." Well, that's the sort of ill thinking that leaves you being a Broken Harvester for a millenia, but I digress.
Anyway - The Creature Cantina. All these colourful characters require downtime.. A place to kick back amongst their kind. That's not to say we don't promote diversity here on Singsong Satire - I'm an inanimate object, I'm an advocate for rights of all kinds. I, for example, identify as a Pansexual. Oh come on, Graham, that was gold. Let's see you do better.. No, nobody gets it. Okay, I'll ask. So, listeners. his name's "Graham". Who got that Gramophone reference, really. It's tenuous at best. If you actually did, write in. Let us know. No, I know I'm not strictly a pan - Look, give me a break, you know I'm a heavy pot smoker.. Frankly our listeners must be finding all this punnery rather jarring. Sorry. Okay. Moving swiftly on.. Who can we interview, OH, OH, excuse me, sir? Madam? HEY!
? - What you want.
SA - Oh, hi, hello. You're on Singsong Satire with me,
? - Ugh.. I've heard about this. Look, I haven't got time for this, can you pleas-
SA - Nope! No, sorry, I've got Frontline. You've got to go through me, it's not that simple.. Just a few words. It's our first episode and your our first interview.
? - Well, what do you want to know, let's make this quick.
SA - Okay, so, tell us who you are first - I've intentionally left this a mystery for a reason, y'know. Step into the limelight and be immortalised.
? - Fine, okay, if it'll get rid of you quicker, sure. Your listeners may know me as the Skeleton Heavy.
SA - Ahhhhh, the 2 Mana-
? - HEY! You know the rules. We don't bring up individual Mana Costs, everyone's equal here. It's in the Human Resources Handbook.
SA - Y'know what, I'm so sick and tired of these societal rules.. Look, back in Atlantis. I used to do all sorts.. Filled to the brim with wine, bodily fluids, we didn't give a damn. It was debauchery! Pure and simple. You are what you are, we all knew it. Why can't I say it? I'm 2 Mana as well, you don't here me complai-
SH - No, hold on.. I didn't say there was anything wrong with my apparent "worth", I'd just rather not be.. reminded, is all. I consider myself just as important as everyone else.
SA - Yeah.. but, I mean, you don't do anything, do you..
SH - What's that supposed to mean.
SA - Ahhhhhh, well.. I mean. You're no Echophon - he and I go way back by the way - He used to drink the blood of his enemies out of me.. Good times. You ever been drunk out of? Gods it's a rush.. like, someone going down on your prefrontal cortex.. Damn. Even had his name scratched on my chin here for a while..
SH - Ummmmmmm..
SA - Sorry, sorry.. Got lost for a second.. there.. Oh, yes, where was I.. See, Graham has an Ability, I've got Frontline, y'know? An Afterlife.. "Draw a Card" There's a bit more depth here..
SH - So you're saying I'm lacking in some way, is that it?
SA - ..Clearly nobody's saying that.
SH - Excuse me?
SA - Oh, come on. Are we really doing this.. It's right there in your name - "Skeleton Heavy" - It's pretty plain to see you're a.. "big boned" y'know? A 2/4.. And that's okay! body positivity is important.
SH - Hey, that's not cool, man. You don't know what I've been through, okay? It's easy for you to say.. Being inanimate, you've been the same shape and mold since your inception. Don't bring your microaggressions to my safe space.
SA - Your what? Microagressions? Oh by the light of Thaeriel.. Listen, buddy.. We've all got our boons and pitfalls. I can't attack.. anything. All I've got is words, y'know? ..And do you know what it's like to be forged? Pounded, over and over into shape. And even then, I don't have it bad! Look at Soul Jar. He's literally on fire. He exists solely to be smashed. At least I can, y'know.. Cut someone as they spill my contents or something. And you? Come on.. you're a big guy! 2/4? That's a big deal! There's reason your usage is so high, be real.
SH - No, I know. You're right..
SA - Exactly! It's not like you're completely useless.. I mean, look at some of 1/1's that get summoned. Being a "Huscarl"? What's that about. An "Injured Soldier" how much mor-
SH - Ummmm, okay, I'm done here.
SA - What! Oh come on, you didn't even fini-
AHEM. <A Golden Harp chimes, and three Injured Soldiers appear>
And that about wraps up this rather long and rather rambly first attempt at being intriguing. We'll be back again soon, more than likely from the Void because.. these three don't look particularly happy and I've got 0 Attack. Okay! Goodnight!