I am not an addict.
Oh, who am I kidding. Yes I am.
I stuff chocolates into my mouth and once I start a sci-fi or fantasy TV show, I just can't stop. I should have known that getting back into gaming was going to be a challenge.
Despite having lots of good things going on in my life right now, and despite things looking to be on the upswing, I still find myself getting sucked into compulsive behaviors once I get focused on something. My attention has the gravity of 1000 suns. I find something shiny and fun and it's all I can think about...until other things demand my attention and then EVERYTHING grabs my attention so that I'm multi-tasking constantly, making connections between everything to discover new things, or getting so scatter-brained that I need a time-out.
It's the story that sucks me in...and then the side-quests and the dopamine rush that I get from feeling closer and closer to 100% complete...look at all those missions...how awesome will it feel to finish all of them.
If I'm not careful though, I forgot what I'm doing and the dopamine hits become a drug and before I know it I forget all about the 2nd and 3rd parts of my novel which I hope to complete by mid spring, or the company which my student expressed interest in starting together with me.
In case you are curious which worlds I've been getting lost in recently... Final Fantasy 13 and Assasin's Creed. I know a lot of people complain about FF13 being one of the weakest in the series, and the characters are rather weak compared to FF6-10 but I'm enjoying it. The world is pretty amazing, especially visually for someone who hasn't played games in 15 years, someone who hasn't played a PS4 yet. And Assassin's Creed really tickles me with all the secret society and conspiracy stuff, and also jumping around buildings like a ninja keeps all the stuff in between engaging.
I got about 80% through AC before getting bored and picking up FF13. Then after getting about half through FF13, I realized that I really wanted to try Ni No Kuni, a cartoon-style RPG with some Ghibli artists involved, and Nier, a futuristic surreal dystopian story with AI that look like killer teddy bears.
So many worlds to explore!
I thought it best not to balance more than 2 games at a time. I have STILL never finished FF6 or FF8 because I was balancing too many games back then. If I start playing a new one now, I know it won't be long before I forget about the other two, because chances are, I'll probably start something else before finishing that.
And so I reigned my attention in, and decided to finish Assasin's Creed 2 ASAP and started playing again last night.
"80% finished, won't take too long"......but OH THE SIDE-QUESTS! If I save up money and visit my uncle I can pay to rebuild our families town, and there's this uniform locked in the basement which has 6 keys scattered out in optional dungeons across the world...oh and the secret glyphs that each give a piece of a secret history, and then hell, I might as well rip off all the "Wanted" posters and clear my name...and there must be some prize if I buy enough artwork to fill up my uncles mansion. There are also these pages scattered around the world that help me unlock more of that secret history.
And so after 5 hours last night....82% finished maybe? I did complete one canon mission.
I was hoping to have a productive night last night, and in the end I did absolutely nothing but collect treasure chests and jump around dungeons. I just wanted to check everything off that list. After all, the list in the game is much simpler and straightforward than my checklist for learning Japanese.
Compulsions...
I do not think any of these compulsions are unique to gaming. The stimuli are different, and those found in games can be particularly enticing to some. Like this guy 👍 👍
Really, these are the same kind of compulsions found shopping addictions, drug addictions, relationship addictions, sex addictions, social media addictions, TV addictions, power addictions and so on. Something feels good, so you want more of it. Why wouldn't you?
But as I am sure most people can imagine, the potential issues that arise because of this are endless. Neglect for the body, for work, or for others, unbalanced diet, poor health, dependency issues, doing things you know aren't right just to get another hit. Everything is fine until that Playstation suddenly stops working or you accidently erase your file and then you want to throw it out the window and hit a pedestrian on the sidewalk.
Well, that used to me. It isn't anymore.
In fact, after 7 hours of gameplay in Asassin's Creed 1, it turned out my file was corrupted because of some strange glitch. I just put it away, watched how the story turned out on Youtube, and started playing number 2. No anger, almost no frustration, just a few minutes trying to see if I could fix it, a sigh, and peaceful resignation without discouragement.
This whole experience really hits on my ultimate secret to happiness. (Yes, for 100 payments of $9.99 or putting me on your autovote....YOU can have the secret.)The most important thing for inner peace is a balance between WILL and ACCEPTANCE. Yin and Yang in a nutshell. That means you have clear in your mind the things that you WANT, and you can also be OK when things don't work out.
A lot of people seem to think that desire is the root of all suffering, but I always insist that it's attachment to desire that leads to suffering. The desires just point us towards excitement. If we cling to those desires though, we miss the lessons that make us stronger and help us develop more mature desires that really fit together with who we are at he core.
If I forfeit my desire, I don't don't even bother with the game but probably won't feel much excitement in real life either. If I don't have acceptance, I get stuck in the game. If I can hold desires without clinging to them, and being able to accept whatever comes, then I'm excited to play the game and it fills me with more excitement about life itself.
How deep is my desire to beat this game? Is it deep enough to give up up writing my novel? Big enough to give up starting that company? In my right hand, I can decide with conviction what is most important to me and move towards it. In my left, I can accept when I need to choose between one and the other. While playing the game, it can be difficult because I get so sucked in, but as soon as I stop, I'm 100% clear, and I can get back to work, even when it's hard, even when I have to file taxes and take care of visas and deal with marketing and other things that don't excite me much, because I have a clear picture of what I want.
It doesn't mean I have to put the game away for good. Just right now.
I never claimed to have all my shit together, only enough to know exactly what I have together and what needs some fixing. I can find peace easily, passion too, I love life, even when things aren't going so well, and things are going better and better.
This is all a massive improvement from when I was young. When I was young, my dreams and desires all felt too big and out of reach, and so I played games to escape. Now, once I manage to pull myself away, it's like my Magic gauge is full and I can get back to making magic and leveling up in the real world. Games can charge me with energy that I can put towards my greater passions. They challenge me to up my storytelling and build better worlds, create art that evokes more emotions, and to connect to others over the same concepts that some of my favorite RPGs are based on.
I just need to push that OFF button when my HP and MP in real is full again.
Back to editing Confessions of The Damaged 1.2. 1.1 will be available on 3/15. Before gaming yesterday, I actually studied Japanese for an hour and made a 6 page plan for starting this company, so I'm not totally slacking off. I have a new Self Help for Trolls vlog that I was going to upload today but then this came up and I thought it was an important topic to talk about.
Links to stuff below :-D
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🎬Self Help For Trolls
🎸I + Everything
📕 Confessions of the Damaged Coming March 15
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