Kamusta? I hope you’re okay. I just want to share with you some photos of the sunset/dusk yesterday together with some of my wandering thoughts.
It was dusk when I decided to go for a short walk. Before, I used to do this every day during late afternoons but stopped because of work. My dog, Puti (Filipino for white), accompanied me. As I walk the road, I can feel overwhelming mixed emotions.
The road I was walking right then was the same road where I silently cried painful tears from past mistakes but now hopefully dream for a future I want to have.
It is where I stare at the mountain and talk to her in my thoughts. Making her my diary, therapist, and dear friend. It is where the wind softly blows upon my face as if validating what I felt.
The fallen tree after the storm
The fallen tree still lives in verdant glory
It is where the fallen tree and its rise from deathly breaths of strong typhoon winds reminds me to hope, to persevere, to be stronger than life’s challenges. It is where I lost the love I thought was for me but now, the love real and true held my hand as we walked this road together.
Everything changes but this road doesn’t.
I hope to share my thoughts in Hive every time I have my short Sunday walk. For this Sunday, my thoughts circled around self-esteem. I used to be bullied for my face and physique when I was in elementary and high school.
I was always bullied for my nose.
I even thought of undergoing a surgery and attempted. But when I saw the procedure on YouTube, I was scared. Then, I resigned to my fate that I will never be beautiful. I didn’t even looked at the mirror anymore.
Some time before graduation, we were asked who wants to join the yearbook for the photoshoot, both in casual and academic gowns. When the graduation ceremony came, below our seats were the yearbooks and the framed photos.
Mine was empty like my self-esteem.
Now as I walk, I think about how little my self-esteem is. How I attach my worth to other people’s opinions. Every time my mama tells me I’m beautiful, I will never believe it. And even now, when my partner tells me I’m beautiful, I still can’t see the things he sees in me. Am I blind? Or I look at myself through the eyes of an insatiable society?
I keep comparing myself to movie stars, models, influencers, and every “society standards face” on social media. And I hurt myself every time I do because I’m not them.
Because I’m Kym. Just Kym.
But does it really matter?
I want to celebrate my own uniqueness, but I just can’t seem to start. But my partner won’t give up on me and would remind me how beautiful I am every day and how he’s so proud of me that other people’s opinions don't matter.
And I guess, it’s rubbing off slowly.
Posting my photos here in Hive is my self-esteem telling you,
“This girl is starting to love herself now.”
Thanks for reading.
@kamustakymmy here, see you after a few midnights. Salamat!