As I left for the office today I said to my little green mate Grouchy, "remember cobber, don't get into any mischief when I'm gone and do not take my 4x4 racing truck out, I mean it. I just washed and detailed it." I gave him a meaningful stare hoping that would punctuate my point.
"No worries broo," said grouchy happily. "It's all good mate. I'll see ya later. Lego building tonight?" He asked with hope.
"If you're good I guess we can have a Lego-sesh. Just don't take my truck out."
Grouchy nodded and winked at me as I left. I had a bad feeling.
I got home about 8 hours later and...
My 4x4 racing truck was covered in mud!
"Grouchy you little bastard!" I yelled as I stormed inside.
He tried to run but I caught him under the chin with a swift scissor kick then put him in a Brazilian jiu jitsu choke-hold until he nearly passed out.
He tapped out eventually and I released.
Needless to say he was sent to his room with no dinner and there'll be no Lego-building session tonight.
Anyway, a little later I found my camera was not where I had put it and checked what was on it...Yep, he'd taken that too! It was full of pictures from his day...It seems he went down to the billabong, Australian for watering hole or pond, and got lost! Here's some pictures.
Here's grouchy making his way into a creek crossing. Quite clearly he has it locked up in 4-wheel-drive as he made it through fairly well. You can see him exiting the creek and heading deeper into the billabong.
Now, just so you know...This billabong is off limits to off-roading! That's right the little bastard broke the lock on the gate and headed into a natural wildlife habitat to find some trails and to go mudding with my truck!
Luckily he took the number plates off the vehicle so no one could trace it although I half expect to get a call from the national park ranger.
Above on the left you can see Grouchy has gotten himself bogged. There he is at the back wheel trying to push. He must have got himself out though, as you can see him on the right on the wheel sunning himself in the beautiful Australian autumn day!
This is when things got a bit hairy for the little green idiot. He went and got himself lost!
He drove around in circles trying to work out which way to go but simply couldn't work it out. He realised he was in trouble when he came to the edge of the billabong and couldn't go any further. There he is below.
So he decided to find someone and ask for directions...Of course, there were no people around...It's a goddamned billabong for fuck sake! He looked around for a while then spied someone he might ask. A frog!
He approached the frog and asked if he knew the way out of the billabong.
The frog thought about it for a moment and said, "rrrribbbit!"
Grouchy was like, "come on bro, you're in Australia, speak the fucking language mate!"
The frog gave him a quizzical look then said, "hey, fuck you find your own way out of the billabong!" and hopped away.
Grouchy moved on wondering why people had to be so rude! Damned frogs.
He wandered around looking for someone else and vowed under his breath to karate chop the next frog he saw just because.
Before long he came across a stork doing storky things at the waters edge.
Grouchy approached hoping this lanky bastard would speak the lingo.
"Oi stork, you know the way out of the billabong?" Grouchy called quite abruptly. The stork looked at him and said nothing.
"Hey stork, you fucking deaf?" Grouchy was getting a bit exasperated. To be honest I am surprised the stork didn't peck his little green head off.
Finally the stork told Grouchy to bugger off then went back to his storkish things and Grouchy left muttering under his breath and adding storks to his karate chop list.
He was just about to give up and call emergency services on my SAT phone which he had also stolen from me when he heard a buzzing sound. He followed it and before long came across a bee.
Considering Grouchy had struck out twice he decided to be a little more polite...
"Good afternoon good sir," he began with an impeccable British accent. "Might you know the way out of this fine billabong? I find myself rather turned about and somewhat lost, old chap."
It seems the bee was indeed Australian and understood his question...Unfortunately for Grouchy his attempt at the English accent brought on a little scorn.
"Ya stupid pommy bastard! Don't yers know this billabong isn't for off-roading?" The bee was clearly not impressed with Grouchy tearing up the pristine billabong with my 4x4 racing truck. Grouchy was taken aback, but stood his ground.
"You bloody tourists come over here with your fancy fucking accents and think yers own the place! Well ya don't ya daft prick! We do!" The bee was getting quite wound up at this juncture, but had a valid point.
Grouchy decided he better drop the accent.
"Ok, ok I was only joking with the accent. I'm an Aussie cobber!" Grouchy used his best Aussie accent and added a bit for good measure.
The bee looked surprised but then relaxed a little.
"Jeez mate, don't do that shit around here, You're in the billabong now mate, you'll get bloody killed! I almost stung ya's cobber. You don't even know!"
The bee went on to tell Grouchy he had no idea how to get out of the billabong but suggested that the stork, the frog and himself might be able to work it out together. He suggested a discussion and so Grouchy and the bee went to find the other two.
Within minutes the four of them were standing around gawking at each other.
Before the conversation started the frog and the stork asked Grouchy for an apology for being so rude earlier. He gave it of course, it was getting late and he just wanted to get out of there and home before I got back from work.
Once he had apologised the discussions began and in short order they had come up with a plan. Grouchy said his goodbyes, promising to come back to say hello and off he went leaving the three others to marvel at his stupidity in bringing the off-roader into the billabong in the first place.
Anyway, Grouchy is now in his room and will go to bed without dinner, and a Lego-sesh tonight. I think I'm ordering take-out Thai food for dinner and he's going to miss out, but that's what you get for stealing peoples 4x4 racing trucks!
Design and create your ideal life, don't live it by default - Tomorrow isn't promised.
Be well
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