In a space of 1 year, I lose my mother and only brother, nine years before you then, I lost father as well, so losing the only two family members I had left was devastating, I had never felt such pain.
I was in complete chaos for three months; I could not eat, cook, or function properly. I cried my eyes out for more than three months, and every day reminded me of the emptiness that filled my life.
External people mocked my deceased family members, calling them a series of names for "dying quickly," and making jokes that implied I would be next.
I completely shut down as a human being; the world had no meaning for me; it was a waste of life to be born into constant, chronic, and never-ending pain. I was already dealing with health issues that kept me in the hospital, moving from one specialist to another.
I was already used to it, but having to deal with this additional pain felt unreal. Most people did not know about my pain; they assumed it had been 3 to 6 months and that I should have moved on.
People said nasty things to me because I was not answering the phone, I walked aimlessly down the street with no idea where I was going, life was a blur, and during these times, I shut down completely, cutting off all contact with the outside world.
I had a series of people requesting loans from me, and I was responding to messages, but they did not even bother to ask why; perhaps I outlived my usefulness and relevance, and it is safe to say that I am completely lifeless to the outside, social world.
Does it hurt? No.
the pain I have been experiencing for nearly two years is even worse; while I can now cook, work, and respond to active messages, I still go to the hospital and perform blood tests; somehow, I no longer expect anything beautiful from this inexplicable world, but that is okay; I have found God, and that is all that really matters. He's been good to me, and give me most of the things I asked for, but I can never truly see life as I used to.
People don't know pain, until they feel it.
I had this woman who was constantly calling me to get things done for her, and when I was not picking, she thought I was selfish and mean, but I did not mind; people in pain are frequently misunderstood, and they are even mocked for doing too much.
This woman had also lost her husband some time ago. I knew the man, and learning that he had died was devastating. He was not sick or suffering from any ailments; he simply awoke with acute kidney failure and died within a few days.
The wife bawled her eyes out, lashing out at everyone, complaining that no one was feeling her pain, and she had bouts of endless chest pain, which felt familiar to me because it reminded me of when the pain first started.
Obviously, no one could have predicted that she would go through such pain; in fact, she will most likely live with it for the rest of her life, just as I do, but this is where the pain hurts the most: not knowing or expecting that it could happen to you.
Pain is a dragon that cannot be tamed, it's biggest manifestation is anger.
These feelings of rage are accompanied by anxiety, hormonal imbalances, stress, cortisol release, unending tears, and a deep hollow into which you enter that feels unreal. Fortunately, not many people have ever experienced this pain.
I recently saw a slave trade video about how these people were torn from their families, taken away in chains, and experienced the chronic hollow of waking up to a painful reality, and it makes me believe that the pain felt by people in the 17th to 19th centuries, possibly due to war, famine, racism, and other factors, was pain that cannot be fully understood in the twenty-first century.
Many people will consider themselves extremely fortunate not to suffer from chronic pain, which is accompanied by constant anger, confusion, anxiety, and uncertainty.
The mental state does not fare well in these circumstances, which is why those who survive do so by living with the pain, rearranging their reality to suit the pain, embracing the hollow, accepting the loneliness, fear, and panic. People do not recover; they simply adapt.
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