In 29 years of existence, I have realized that friendship should be easy. I learned this as my circle becomes smaller through the years. Gone were my younger years when I struggled to fit in, when I thought friends should share and uphold the same values, when to keep friends means hanging out everyday to the point that it suffocates me. Gone were the days when I struggle to keep a toxic friendship. After all, it’s okay to lose friends and it’s a blessing to gain new ones. Since these realizations, friendship has been healthy, easy, fun and effortless.
My idea of friendship was challenged when a very dear friend was faced with a major challenge in her life. For a moment, the feeling of helplessness dragged me to a downward spiral of depressing thoughts which affected different aspects of my life. Suddenly, it wasn't smooth sailing - it wasn't all fun and easy.
About Juli
I can probably write a book about all the amazing things about my friend, Juli. Her life as a gift to the people around her. She has changed my life more than she could probably understand. I have known her for only 5 years but I feel that I have known her for a lifetime – like a sister (since I never had one).
I first met her as my pole instructor. Our friendship grew as we spent more time with each other. She is a very active, bubbly and cool mom of three beautiful children. I always see her as a role model – she is not perfect of course, but who is?
She advocates self-care to her students especially to her fellow mothers. According to her, so you can take good care of others, you first have to take care of yourself, which I totally agree.
We share the same passion about Pole, fitness and about life in general. Her energy and enthusiasm is contagious.
The Big C
I have always known Juli as the “ strong, independent woman”. After knowing quite a handful of things about her and what she’s been through, I have established a vivid perception of her emotional strength. On top of that, it's worth mentioning the physical attributes that are very admirable about her: She is fit, healthy and always full of energy.
In the midst of the emotional whirlwind brought by the pandemic, a major news turned our worlds upside down. She was diagnosed with breast cancer. Seeing her, for the first time being emotionally devastated is just heart shattering.
At that point I could not imagine a Juli that is weakened by cancer. She has always been my superwoman. I started to ask the question most cancer patients or their loved ones often ask:
" Why Her? "
Well that was only the first. It was left unanswered before more questions soon followed. In addition to the physical toll, I know the emotional pain of the diagnosis is the biggest battle she has to go through.As a friend who care deeply for her, I shared a part of (and definitely not the entirety) of her suffering. As I walk along side with her in this journey, suddenly....
I started feeling ungrateful. I spent time reflecting if I even deserve the life that I live. After asking the question “Why Her?” it was then followed by, “What if it was me?”. I started reflecting about my past mistakes and how I am living my life now: “Do I even deserve this?” I started to feel ungrateful knowing that others are suffering.
I deprived my self the right to feel upset about "trivial" things. When I learned that my friend has cancer and knowing all the things that she will have to go through in this battle, for quite some time, I didn’t allow myself to be upset about anything. Suddenly, I feel that all my problems are not even worth worrying about –because “Hello? Shake that off! Someone is going through worse!”.
Suddenly, perhaps I got past my limit, and a minor upsetting situation just opened the flood gates of negative emotions. Depressing thoughts just kept following around me and lost energy and enthusiasm on things I used to care about.
This is the feeling that dominates the most. The feeling brings me back to a dream I had years ago where I had to suffer watching my friend drowning while we were at the beach. It felt terrible because I could not move as much as I wanted to, despite the fact that I can’t swim. I just watched him being swallowed by waves, feeling so helpless.
The initial response when we see a friend suffering or in pain is to relieve her out of the situation as much as possible – I wanted to do that so badly with my friend. However, dwelling with that desire just worsened the feeling of helplessness.
I found myself accepting workloads and responsibilities I would normally say “NO” to. When I find opportunities where I could be of any help, I took responsibility. It was my way of coping up with the feeling of having no control of the situation. This coping mechanism made matter worse because it distracted me from actually dealing with my emotions.
What a shitty mess of being human isn't?
But that’s good news for me. Afterall, I am indeed human. One day, the words of Juli resonated to me: “ If you can’t take care of yourself, you can’t take care of others”. I knew I had to deal with the emotions I have so I can be a better friend for her. I cannot give her any emotional support if I myself is struggling to handle mine. Somehow, I did the following to manage my situation:
The words of Juli resonated to me “ If you can’t take care of yourself, you can’t take care of others”.
I did my research. I’ve never read and learned this much about breast cancer until my friend was diagnosed with the disease. Cancer can be really scary but educating myself gave me a more objective perspective of the situation. It helped me focus on things that I CAN DO rather than dwell on the uncertainties of the disease.
We all need to feel needed. It feels good when someone needs us because it gives us a sense of significance. The "good feelings" could sometimes mask our own problems or "brokenness", which is not a bad thing. However, I personally think that it is selfish to help others for the sole intention of feeling good about yourself. The problem if you go overboard with self-serving intentions is that we can be prone to disregarding boundaries or our friend's feelings.
I can never solve Juli's problems. I can never relieve her out of the situation. But at some point I felt validated when she told me how much I made her feel better just by being there for her. For that moment, I felt good about myself.
But being the strong person the she is, there came a point when I felt that she don't need me to get through the day. At some point I felt sad about “not being needed” instead of being happy she is coping well. I later on realized that it’s about finding the balance between being “there” and knowing when to honor her emotional independence and be happy about it.
Remember that cancer is just a disease that she has to go through – she is not defined by it. She is still my friend after all and for sure, she wants to be treated the same. When I focused on that thought I felt comfortable again in conversations we used to have. Surprisingly, she is always willing to help me and listen to me like she always does – it’s as if cancer isn’t even there. It’s not denial but talking too much about it can be exhausting.
She still cares about the pain I feel on my butt after sitting for hours. She reminds me how I should mobilize my glute muscle to relieve the pain. The thought that “All my problems are not worth worrying about” was all in my mind after all. I should not have forgotten about her emotional strength.
Helplessness is normal – acknowledging this helped me move forward to focusing on the things I have control of. Any little help that I can do, somehow helped suppress the feeling of helplessness: I do errands for her, buy her vitamins, find a good movie when she seeks recommendation, help her choose her wigs – these small things matter for me, and for her.
Back in college, when I have a hard time catching up with so many deadlines all while dealing with the pressure of upcoming exam, I tend to overwork and spend unreasonable amount of energy and time to get through them. All while most of my classmates are asking help from each other, organizing study sessions or try to problems together in the blackboard during breaktime. When faced with stressful situation, I tend to deal with it all by myself instead of reaching out to others. It’s something about myself that I'm constantly working on.
The same thing happened when I faced with the emotional turmoil of helplessness towards my friend. However, when I started talking about it to others, all felt suddenly better. Trust me, it really helps getting it off your chest.
Don't be too harsh on your self.
If you ever find yourself in this situation, remember that your emotions are valid, especially if you genuinely care for your friend. But always remember that you cannot help her if you don’t look after yourself as well.
Cheers to good friends, and cheers to life
I am grateful for Juli because her strength inspired me. I am grateful for my friends and loved ones because they make things more bearable. Feeling helpless in these situations just shows how capable we are of loving and caring. It is just a reminder that we are, after all human and it’s so damn beautiful to be one.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Anne Porter
I'm Catherine Anne - I love to be called by my two names but people are lazy so they call me Anne. I am a Chemical Engineer, Pole Dancer, Cosmetic Nerd and Crypto-Newbie squeezed into a five-foot-one human. I am excited to share pieces of my self to this community. I hope that you love this tiny space I occupy in Hive.
If you think I deserve some lovin' please do upvote this post and leave a comment - I'd be very happy to read them. Follow me so I can annoy you more often. Love ya'