Hello! My name is Mary and for those of you who know me from Hive you are most likely aware of the fact that I am very creative. You know me for my bodypainting, my book reviews, my pointillism art and my philosophical writings.But it is time to reintroduce myself to the Hive community because there is something I am ready to share with you now.
Hello again! My name is Mary and I’ve been homeless for the past 3 years. By the time I publish this I already managed to get my own HOME.
How did this happen? I must go a little bit into my past and tell for those who do not know me a little bit of my personal history. I have shared my story about my past dysfunctional romantic relationships. I had a long 8 year long relationship with someone. I had the courage to cancel our marriage after I have found out that I was cheated repeatedly. I do not live in my native town. I fell in love and moved 500 km away .
Me after separation, losing everything after 8 years
While being together with this guy , after some failed business attempts, I managed to open my own beauty salon. I started doing manicures but that wasn’t enough to sustain the rent and myself. So I became a hairdresser too and slowly started to offer more services.
The situation of being alone after separation and sustaining a business after I have lost everything I have gathered in 8 years has just put a lot of pressure on myself as I felt stuck and like a failure. Still, I didn’t want to quit.
And then it came to me….
A crazy idea….
Something which could have gone wrong in so many ways…
And then I did it
I took the plunge
I decided. I took a leap of faith…
I moved clandestinely into my beauty salon.
Pause.
Read again.
Yes I did it.
The thing is that the beauty salon in which I worked had 2 big rooms. I didn’t manage to find a colleague to work with so I stayed alone. I had enough space and I liked that no one could just destroy my silence. And then this crazy idea came to me as I managed to cram up my business in the first room of the space and use the back room for moving out. Crazy crazy. Did the landlord knew? Of course not. I bought a washing machine with dryer included because the space was too small to dry clothes, a shower cabin , a couch which I could turn into a bed and used other furniture from my salon to try to make it a cosy place.
The ex couldn’t believe I did this. I couldn’t believe it either.
This used to be in the back room. I had no idea I will be moving in here years later
Why did I take this decision?
I must get you a little bit further back into my past and let you know that I didn’t have the easiest childhood. Since my parents got divorced I forgot what HOME is. I felt out of place. Like I didn’t belong anywhere. I had to grow up way too fast. I had a lonely childhood. I had my books and my art. They were my therapy. And I had a grandmother who tried to give it her best in educating me. You see, no matter what would have happened with my life, I never felt I had a HOME to get back to. I often wondered if stray dogs feel the same, if the homeless people walking down the streets upon which people look with disgust feel the same. I wonder if my childhood trauma is responsible for the fact that I desperately wanted to own a home together with someone I love for as long as I knew. The irony is that I ended up in dysfunctional relationships yearning for someone to build a home with only to end up in the complete opposite situation: rejected, bullied, misunderstood and my desire for having a home mistaken for just a whim.
I am not a quitter. I could have wrapped it all up and go back in my native town and try to make a living there. I refused the idea of letting go of a business for which I worked so damn hard. I didn’t want to give satisfaction to the naysayers. I didn’t knew how to accept failure . I guess I wanted to prove to myself that I can do it and I wanted to just be left alone. With me moving there, the ex-boyfriend had no chance in coming and disturbing me. The salon is in the central city area, filled with people and other businesses. He was unable to stalk me anymore and I knew this from the get go when I took the plunge. It was the perfect safe space. Or so I thought.
YOU WILL DISCOVER WHAT HAPPINESS IS BETWEEN FOUR WALLS IF YOU DO THE INNER WORK
I must tell you that I came to this conclusion rather late.
Moving in. Making the necessary changes for this brave transition
The adrenaline of the decision weared off and then SHAME and FEAR appeared. What if people find out? What if the landlord finds out? What if some random people find out and they just crack the salon door open and do me harm? My mind started to panic and all sorts of crazy thoughts came to me. To put it simply to you so you could comprehend the amount of mental pressure to cope with what I did let me illustrate it like this: imagine that you have to live in a McDonald’s without anyone there finding out and you have to wake up from your sleep and be ahead of time, silent, in order to not get discovered. Imagine. Picture yourself now wearing your worn out pijamas in a McDonald’s with all people suddenly staring at you. Imagine the shame. Imagine the guilt. Imagine the despair and hopelessness. This is the way I felt for a long time. My mind became my enemy.
Of course that some people somehow found out , clients of the salon I mean. But they rarely had the courage to ask me directly. Some of them did. I lied. I learned to lie that I live on Flower Street or Victory Street or FuckyouwhyyoucarewhereIlive Street. It is incredible how some people feel good to know that you are down. But guess what: I have now learned how miserable they were for putting me down and how happy I really was.
I now look behind me and realize how brave I was. To do this in a small town. With 3 other beauty salons next to me and other businesses. Coping with shame. I had a hard time feeling like a woman: beautiful or sexy. I had a hard time loving myself. I was reluctant towards finding a guy and falling in love. I did had 2 relationships while living in the salon. Both ended and taught me valuable lessons about respect, self love and boundaries. I tried to evaluate what made me put myself in dysfunctional romantic situations and I realize that I also had a lot of trauma in order to accept the unacceptable. Meeting these guys showed me that I needed to learn how to love myself. Meeting these guys showed me that I had my own wounds and that some of their traits mirrored me. I wasn’t the perfect woman but I strongly believe that no matter the circumstances it is wrong for a human being to become violent towards another human being. This includes words, actions, emotions and it is important for both women and men to realize that violence is never the solution to the problem. Communication is. In order to give love you have to be love. In order to meet the good guy/woman you have to be good yourself and love yourself. Until recently I discovered that I had no idea how to do that and I came to the conclusion that my romantic experiences were meant to lead me towards the journey of self-love. The most rewarding journey I ever took. Now that I look back on all of my relationships I realize that I also did harm to others through my unconscious behavior and it is a pity that life is so short and we waste precious time hurting each other instead of trying to evolve as human beings. I strongly believe that living in my beauty salon was the Universe’s best method of making me more self-aware and spiritually conscious.Looking back on my ego, I believe it was the only way I could change. Through pain.
What did I do between four walls?
I have started to build my own library and buying books that I liked. I came back to reading and it was very soothing for me. I started my youtube channel and slowly made the courage to do book reviews.
My setup when I started to do book reviews streaming from my phone. I smile now remembering how much I struggled to get out of my mental shell and accepting the situation without feeling like a failure
Art has been my loyal friend. I rediscovered art again and again while dealing with tough situations in my life
All of the great creative posts you have seen on Hive were created in this one single room , where all the magic happened: sleeping, working, showering, cooking, painting, reading, creating, crying, loving etc. I discovered photography and re-discovered my artistic side. I painted. I discovered bodypainting.
Getting creative in my tiny "room"
This foldable cosmetic bed was my idea of a table and I occasionaly slept on it to make a change when feeling depressed for living where I lived
Painting t-shirts
I have grown so much while sitting in the back room of my beauty salon. I had to peal my wounds and discover not why the romantic relationships were a failure, but what attracted me towards those guys in the first place. I needed my own healing.
For a long time I was mad and furious for being stuck in the salon. Furious on myself. Furious on God. Now I realize it was all a blessing. God used the situation to change me, to put me in front of my pain and let me solve it. To allow me to be alone in order to discover what I really like to do. I learned how to swim. I started to buy stuff for me and allow myself to feel good. I was so used with working, over working and sacrificing to make the situation better that I forgot about self love. I had no one to teach me about love as a kid. So I didn’t know what healthy love was. Therefore my bad choices in men. But I hold no grudge and I now realize that we are all damaged in a way and some of us are not even aware. I see how difficult it was for me to face my demons, and I had to do a lot of reading and walking alone time in order to heal.
I discovered nature again.
I discovered what it means to love yourself as a woman and allow moments of relaxation everyday. I discovered how PRECIOUS TIME IS. Imagine that I did not have to commute or stay in traffic or even dress for work. I woke up from bed and I was at work. Looking back now, this saved me a lot of time. I managed to grow so much creatively because I had more time. I now look at traffic and at the way people consume their mind with what to wear as being alien petty things. I value time enormously now.
There is another thing which was of paramount importance for me while I lived in my beauty salon. I was so consumed with the thought of owning my own home that it made me sick. I was anxious. I was afraid. I was feeling that I wasn’t enough. 4 freaking walls to define your existence. Absurd. But losing my home due to my parents’ divorce and going through living with other people who took pride in showing me that they own a home and I don’t affected me a lot. But this wasn’t the real problem. Upon serious reflection (thank you God) , I realized that my real problem was that I didn’t know what to do with my life and my talent long term. I don’t see myself retiring from this beauty salon. I want freedom. I want to create art. I want to travel. The thought I had no home obsessed me so much that I forgot that a home didn’t solve my real dilemma: what will happen with my life after I get the HOME? So I pondered and realized that I want to broaden my horizons. To make a career change in the future. That will be a surprise for many of you !
There are so many people who have immense mansions and they seem happy. But they are miserable as they haven’t found their purpose. They should get a room and sit alone in it for as long as it is necessary until the stream of crazy thoughts is reduced to the essential: what is my purpose here?
HIVE WAS A BLESSING FOR ME AND I AM FOREVER GRATEFUL FOR THIS COMMUNITY
I discovered Hive near the pandemic. I am sure this was definitely divine intervention as the timing was perfect. I have spent the 2020 lockdown alone in my tiny room .I was so so grateful for having this small room to go back to knowing that no one will harm me there. It was the first time when I experienced real GRATITUDE. This was another important lesson God taught me. I now realize that you can’t have more if you are not grateful for what you already have. I learned to see my reality with different lenses. When people say that life is 90% our reactions and only 10% what happens…It is so very true. I started to change my perspective. I was so lucky to live in a place of peace and have the opportunity to discover myself without any interfering. I have shifted my energy and vibration that I started to attract nicer people as clients after lockdown ended. People I could talk to. My whole world changed and I discovered that for those who knew that I lived in my beauty salon, they had an enormous admiration towards me. I wasn’t a disgrace, I was a little hero.
I was blessed to find Hive and to manage to put forward my creative content. I often wondered what would people from here believe about me if they knew my secret. But I am now aware of the fact that I would be admired and not judged, loved and not rejected. So many of you had a positive impact on my life and I still remember having tears into my eyes when @galenkp announced me as the winner of the Hive Engagement contest exactly on 1st of June, kid’s day.
It was the best present ever and I still keep the paper heart I wrote to Asher and Boomy and Galen.
Guys, you are far away from me and I hope to meet you face to face one day, but your actions prove that just being nice and kind toward a person about whose difficulties you were completely unaware of is the best way to spread positivity and love. Galen you are my role model and one hell of a guy, I want to thank you so much for being you and helping me out! I would cover you in Vegemite, Lego, guns and expensive Rolexes if I could hahaha.
I managed to learn how to have compassion for all of my former boyfriends. I hold no grudge and I realize that each of them was hurt, abused and damaged in his own way as a child. But it is unfair to bleed over the people who did not hurt you and I can only wish them healing and I hope they discover God, faith and love. I hope that they will learn to love themselves and that they will have the courage to speak with their parents and set healthy boundaries and close the doors of the past in order to allow a great future. I hope they will heal. I hope they will forgive me for any harm I might have caused and I am at peace knowing I have forgiven them. All of them have helped me realize that I was bleeding too. The most difficult relationships will be your greatest teachers. I have learned that the most important thing is to be able to be rational enough to see the person for who they are and accept it or walk away. I am no longer attached to my need to change people and I can walk away much sooner from situations/people which do not suit me. I can keep my energy and focus it where is needed. When you try to change people and circumstances you bleed energy, energy which you could use so much better for your own growth.
I am 31 years old now and I have been through breakups, mental breakdowns, depression, a pandemic,dysfunctional relationships and a homeless situation. And guess what: I feel that I am just starting to learn how to live. I feel that life has lived me and I only now start to be aware. I am grateful for everything that I have. God has given me a bucket load of talent. I have hands of gold and a precious mind. I am so blessed to be able to be what I am and do what I do. My journey has just started.
I have written a book while being in lockdown about my experience here, in my beauty salon. I have sent the manuscript to several publishers and I got refused. But who knows, when I will have this published I can already tell you what will be written on the first page: for all of my friends from hive.blog. This is the only thing which I want written as a statement for my book.. The name of the book will be: A beauty salon called home. Discover happiness between four walls.
WHY AM I SHARING THIS NOW? WHY IS MY STORY IMPORTANT?
I know that there are so many untold stories of overcoming adversity which are far more impressive than mine. There have been women and men going through much worse ordeals than me. I do not believe that I am special or that my story is of ultimate pain. But I want to share it because I am sure that it would give a lot of people something they desperately seek in times of distress: HOPE. I know that when I went low and it was dark and sad and a feeling of void was sucking me in, I know that it was hope and faith helping me the most. I am sure that many of you reading now have your own problems and suffering. I know how insignificant or irrelevant my story could seem to some of you. But the pandemic has been harsh on all of us. People who had a place to live still got depressed. So we need more people who managed to overcome adversity in any way to tell their real story. Shame free.
I am not completely proud of my behavior as a human being . I know that I have made mistakes in my human interactions. I was also cruel and judgemental towards people. I was also at times a nasty girlfriend and a bad person to be around of because of my attitude problems which resulted from childhood trauma. I had my egoic mind running the show for many years. Ego, ego, ego… It took a lot of trauma, pain, learning, re-learning and mindfulness to shift my perspective on life.The book I wrote also shows this dark, nasty side of mine and I am not embarrassed to admit that I was , in moments, also a pretty loathsome person. I believe in showing people the flaws as often enough it is easier to depict a hero with a flawless character. I worked on my inner peace and behavior a lot and I will continue to do so for as long as I shall live. I believe that the better I become, the better I will attract. I know that I no longer have to search for love as love will find me!
TIME FOR GRATITUDE
I want to mention Hive members who helped me, in various ways, to feel accepted and loved in this community. Maybe you had no clue that your vote, comment, action, gesture, had a positive impact for a person who , at moments, lost hope.
The lesson to take from my story is this: kindness is the biggest gift you can give to humanity, no matter if you are rich or poor. From my humble experience I can tell you that you can overcome any adversity with the power of faith. It is the only thing which personally kept me going.
God bless all of you and thank you for reading so far! If I forgot anyone I apologize, I try to mention all of you! I hope to meet some of you in real life one day, it would be cool.
I thank @appreciator and the admin @bluemist of the @gems community , it was such a great feeling to have their support in my journey, I continued to post even in my toughest moments. They believed in me when I was a no name in here.! Other communities which believed in me are : @bdcommunity, @discovery-it, @nftshowroom, @onchainart, @threespeak, @qurator, @proofofbrain, @makeuppower, @nerday, @freewriters, @sketchbook, @photographylovers, @ocd and @curangel were forever present and @acidyo really helped me gain exposure and helped me out a lot, I didn’t forget about @hiddenblade, @chekohler and @galenkp with @tarazkp who were always supportive and encouraging. @jaynie helped me see the positive in everything and she inspired me when she told her own life story on Hive. @darthknight I hope you are all good, your upvote when I posted art and writing was a huge help for me.I know that these guys aren’t going to win a popularity contest, but their upvote helped me out @ranchorelaxo and @haejin, thanks a lot!
@meesterboom and @abh12345 you 2 of the three musketeers who gave me such an awesome present on kid’s day by winning the Hive engagement challenge. My hats off to you! I have my dear friend @m31 who is an awesome girl and I admire that she always reads my posts and engages with me. I have the same appreciation for @nuthman and @bdmillergallery together with @kommienezuspadt (very cool guys). I have found talented people like @ammonite (he does the most amazing sand sculptures) and @gabrielatravels (she takes hiking to another level) and @alejandra.her (she is now making a living off her art which is extraordinary, I always encouraged her and I received the same support in return).
@papilloncharity I loved reading your posts and you are doing such a wonderful job on Hive with your charity, @maxwellmarcusart you always admired my art and I always admired your lovely drawings. @nonameslefttouse I came across you later but you are a true (cherry)gem, I have found you inspiring and your “ I don’t give a damn I will write the real deal” posts really encouraged me when desperation came crawling under me. There are so many talented people on Hive who supported me and I want to say that you should just keep creating, writing, drawing, commenting, upvoting because the service you do to humanity is greater than Hive itself. I can’t help but mentioning my very first follower on Hive and the one who kindly gave me a delegation which was my start in here: the one and only uniquely creative and caring @vincentnijman. He is the sweetest person who draws dinosaurs and his spirit is what makes Hive be such a lovely place: it oozes kindness and positivity. @anggreklestari I appreciate your support and your plating skills are just too good, @ackhoo you are doing great curation and @ewkaw you are my succulent competitor haha. I noticed all of your support, together with @emiliocabrera and @dswigle. I thank @isaria, @brumest , @wiseagent, @trucklife-family, @ecency, @kristal24, @tipu, @nainaztengra, @kgakakillerg, @trafalgar, @ladybug146, @teknon, @my-musings, @phage93, @foxkoit, @wendywoodall, @blocktrades, @anmolsingh3006. I have mentioned you because you all helped me out through your vote and/or comments and interactions with me, I am grateful for all of you. I want to thank all of Hive for being the greatest place for a creative and for a person to gradually share their true self. I feel that it contributed to my healing to know that somewhere I can write and the right people would see it and appreciate it. I hope my story will give power and hope for those who believe they can’t go through another day. The pain will go away and the heart will heal and I strongly believe that the Universe has our back.
The Home wooden sign is made from a random piece of wood I have found in my nature walks in the natural park in my city. I have drawn on it and marked the date, knowing that I will use this in my future home once moved out. This reminds me to never forget the power of my mind and my strong will to overcome any adversity. This piece of wood reminds me of how powerful we human beings can be if we put our trust in God.
A stray dog who often greeted me when taking my long walks in the park
I have another person to thank to. I have left this to the very end because it is the most important. More important than money, than Hive, than recognition or lovers. I have a special relationship with this one and he is a rockstar. He was there when I felt lost, sad and depressed. He helped me find my faith and I was never actually alone until I realized how powerful it is to have this presence in one’s life. I promised myself that I would give him a huge shout out when I will have my home because only through him and with faith I managed to overcome all of my adversities. For you and you only, as I promised: thank you God!
Cheers and hugs to all of you Hiveians! Toodle loo!