There are nights when I get emotional for no reason at all, and tonight is one of those sleepless nights. I thought it's because of my fever and mild headaches but I guess it's way deeper. My body felt so weak. As I got lost in my thoughts again- it was an unfamiliar territory. Is it because of my fever ?Or is my heart weeping for my dreams that didn't come true. I couldn't deny what I want anymore, not with this rise of my body temperature.
Now is the right time that I should be honest with myself. I guess I'd been so used to people talking about that the greatest pain in life is how painful a broken heart is, but this type of pain I felt right now, I've come to learn, is something that hits different. Time will definitely make me a lot better, I know it will. But random and sad moments like this remind me of those things that my heart used to pray for, I used to work hard for, that I had to set free because things just weren't working out for me no matter how hard I try.
I know that in life, finding fulfilment in what we have is critical to our own concept of happiness. But until now my heart doesn't forget. I guess stars do cry at night. Together with my concealed dreams and wishes. I still pin my hopes on those dreams I had to let go, those little things that shine and that somebody I wished to have become. I still hope that though all is left are fragments of little hope, someday they will still fall into their rightful place to show me something more beautiful than what my lonely soul could ever ask for.
On sad days like this one, I always remind myself that its okay if there are days when I didn't wake up feeling strong and confident. That it's okay if it would take me single steps to get into the rhythm of my own circumstance. Today is not my time, I know that some people shine later on in life and I am free to take my own time. This world of noise constantly asks a lot from me, its overwhelming at times but I believe that I don't need to exhaust myself because my time to shine will find me- even in small baby steps.
As I finish my day with fever and troubled thoughts, I hope I wont forget this: No matter what the message the world tries to tell me or what I've been telling myself: I am not weak for needing rest. I am not helpless as what I thought I am for not making it through the whole day and not quite getting the energy I was hoping for.
As years pass, I have realised that I'm no longer chasing after things and people. I just do my best and watch God's plans laid out for me. I always thought that what I lost wasn't meant for me and what disappeared wasn't meant to stay.
I have a strong feeling that what my heart wants would eventually find its way - even if I can't see the results now.
We all live this life for the first time so why not let every day be what it ought to be. The mere fact that we have made it today, is a clear sign of small progress all on its own, even when we don't feel like it. As I contemplate on the things that I've done and the actions that I will do. I know I am doing what I can. I will grow at my own pace and at the same time, what I feel now is valid: I am worthy even if I fail to to achieve what I should've accomplished today.
Even with my frail body and my headache that I'm experiencing now, it’s not too late to tell myself a different story about what I should be able to achieve in this time of my life. It’s never too late to find those small significant things that bring me a sense of peace, even in the darkness and complications of life.
So here’s to me welcoming my flaws with an open heart. No matter how much energy that I have or I might not have. I hope that even here in the four corners of this dark room, I can tell myself that I am far from finished yet. And as desolate as that might be, it can also be a beautiful thing. Even here, I will become who I was meant to be.
