Life doesn’t always go the way we expect. Honestly, does it ever?
Has anyone's life really gone exactly how they imagined it as a child? I don’t think so. I've never met someone like that. And if you're one of those rare few — someone whose life went just as planned — you’re truly one in a million. Please, appreciate that.
Maybe your life started off great. Maybe you had everything you dreamed of. But then, suddenly, something unexpected came and flipped everything upside down. And most of us… we're not ready for that.
We're raised with big dreams — told that if we plan, work hard, and stay focused, life will be good. But what no one teaches us is that life often doesn’t go according to plan. Life will let you down. Life can hurt. And maybe, just maybe, we should have been taught how to accept that too — how to stand back up when everything collapses, how to rebuild from the pain.
No one in school ever told us that. No one prepared us for the real, hard parts of life — when you fall and don’t know how to get up, when failure stings, when pain lingers. But maybe that’s what life is really about: learning how to turn pain into strength.
Yes, it sounds easy when you read it in a book or hear it in a motivational speech. But living it? It’s different. Emotions don’t follow logic. And being strong isn’t just something you decide — it’s something you learn through experience, slowly and painfully.
Accepting Epilepsy — or trying to
So here’s where I’m at now.
Yes, I’ve accepted that I have epilepsy. But honestly, there’s always this little whisper in the back of my mind:
“This will stay with you forever. This will mess with the future you planned.”
And yeah, I know what everyone says: “You have to accept it.”
But before you can truly accept something, you need to understand it. You need to figure out how it works. What causes it. What triggers it. Because maybe — just maybe — if I know how it functions, I’ll have days where I can forget about it.
Right now? That’s not the case.
Not a day goes by without epilepsy reminding me it’s there. Whether I’m sitting in my car, home alone, or just doing something normal — that thought comes:
“Hey, I’m still here.”
All I want… is a few days.
A few days without thinking about it.
Just to feel like me again.
The Man who stands beside me
My husband… he’s the best man in the world. There’s no other way to say it.
He told me: “Stop. We’re going to figure this out. We’ll find your triggers.”
Because that’s the goal with epilepsy — to understand your triggers.
He started filming me during seizures, just like the doctors suggested, so we could study what was happening. We’ve been reviewing the videos, trying to see which side of my brain is more active, what exactly my body does, how it all starts.
It’s strange for me, because… I don’t remember it. I’m not there when it happens.
For others, it’s hard to watch. But I don’t see what they see — I just feel the before and after. I know the feeling leading up to it, and then… nothing. Just blank space. Then I wake up, sore, tired, my head aching — not even knowing what just happened.
What my Seizures look like
Thanks to the videos, we’ve started to piece together the pattern.
My seizures usually start the same way. You can see it in my eyes — my gaze goes blank, like I’m no longer present. My lips twitch, and sometimes I start to bite them.
My husband says this is the moment we still have a chance.
If he speaks to me gently, reminds me to breathe, sometimes I come back. I take a deep breath… and then usually fall into a deep sleep. That’s the best-case scenario.
But if that doesn’t work, it gets worse. My head turns slowly to the left — almost always the left — which likely means the problem is starting in the right side of my brain. Then, my whole body starts to stiffen and cramp. That’s when I lose complete control. That’s when the seizure fully takes over.
What might be causing it – My triggers
We've started building a list — a table — of what might be triggering my seizures.
It’s not 100% clear yet, because sometimes they just happen out of nowhere. I could be lying calmly in bed, and suddenly... boom. Seizure. No warning. No trigger we can see.
But here’s what we’ve noticed so far:
| Trigger | Description |
|---|---|
| Lack of Sleep | Even one bad night can increase seizure risk. |
| Stress or Anxiety | Emotional pressure builds up and sets off a seizure. |
| Hormonal Changes | Mine often worsen around my menstrual cycle. |
| Flashing Lights | Rare for me, but still possible. |
| Skipping Medications | One missed dose is all it takes. |
| Dehydration / Not Eating | Forgetting to drink or eat can mess with my brain chemistry. |
| Overstimulation | Loud noise, big crowds, strong emotions — all too much. |
| Hyperventilation | Fast breathing sometimes pushes the seizure forward. |
Yes... I made a table.
Maybe there’s still something else we haven’t caught yet, but these are the most consistent ones so far.
And even though sometimes I can catch a seizure in time — many times I can’t. And I’ve had to accept that some of them will just happen. It’s not fair, but it’s real.
In the end… I just want peace
Yes, I’m pushing through. I’m trying. I’ve accepted the diagnosis.
But like I said… life isn’t a bed of roses. And our minds don’t always behave the way we want.
Sometimes, you’re caught in a moment you can’t escape.
I’ve accepted that I have epilepsy.
But I haven’t yet accepted that I have to think about it every day.
I just want some peace.
A few days without fear.
A few days where I don’t hear that whisper reminding me.
Just a few days where I feel… free.
And maybe that’s okay. Maybe I don’t have to be perfectly “strong” every day.
Maybe strength is in just trying again — even if I fall 20 times.
Because hope?
It’s still there.
And that’s what keeps me going...
With love, @tinabrezpike ❤️