I had forgotten I did promise to do a post on the word of the week, Apostate until I saw a friend's photo today. She was seated in some kind of interview seat. Those events where someone is called to have a talk show while the congregation watches and listens.
My head whispered, "This was supposed to be your life. You were supposed to always be seated in that manner teaching others, arguing points, spreading your thoughts around.
Whatever happened to you?" The voice concluded.
I understand I started my response. You of all people know this was one of my dreams too. To share the good news of the gospel everywhere I find myself. And to be the human who motivates others to never give up. But (insert the name of my childhood church here) wasn't just the place to encourage this kind of life for me.
Then, it hit me. The top. There is something about the top that makes me wonder if we all should stop reaching for it. Once you get to the high places, there are secrets you'll learn and you will regret ever getting there. It's just as King Solomon said, " For in much wisdom is much grief, and he that increases knowledge increases sorrow". It's the scripture dad quotes to me a lot of times when I was quite the inquisitive child.
I always thought he was trying to use the scripture to scare me away from searching for more knowledge and understanding. He continued until I found the scripture that countered his, and it was still King Solomon that wrote it. "Sorrow is better than laughter; it may sadden your face, but it sharpens your understanding."
In my childish heart, I countered dad's message with this without realizing that both scripture back each other up and it was never a counter.
The first shows how the things you might find as you keep searching for knowledge may bring you sorrow because of the secrets you will discover. And my supposed counter-scripture only tried to explain that it's often in that revelation that your understanding is sharpened.
I guess, maybe, this is where I drew my quote from, "Understanding helps you make better decisions".
So, when I saw that girl in that picture, it took me down memory lane, and how the ugly things I found in the church turned me into an apostate. It was then I stopped believing in pastors, bishops, and any other title the church gave them.
The first time I heard about God, I was 7, if I am not mistaken. It was a group of folks who go round to preach on Sunday that told me about him. They spoke about the promise of immortality and how the simplest acts as believing, accepting, and following his words is the ticket to that life.
Since then, I was fascinated by Him, and I wanted to learn more. Thus, I often looked forward to Sundays when they'll be back and tell me more about God. And they never failed. I had a personal teacher. No, I have had a series of personal teachers because each time a recent one wanted to move, they always bring new ones to me.
Source
I grew in the knowledge of God around them. I couldn't get enough, though, until mum started encouraging me to attend Sunday school classes in my parent's church. As someone who was already fascinated with God, it was a good catch and I took it. I gave my life to Christ during those instances and officially underwent baptism when I turned 14.
My entire life was around God. With my words, thoughts, and actions, I was every child's role model. I knew the scripture on the palms of my hands. I had reserved scriptures in my head for any situation or circumstances. Whether it takes to motivate someone or console them. Whatever it was you needed. I had answers. All parents wished they had a child like me.
You know that part of me you've witnessed that gives her all to everything? I was born with it. Once I love something or someone I give it or them my all. Whatever it takes.
So, as a result of being overly committed to the things around God, I began to climb the ladder to the top hierarchy in the church. It was at this point, that my life changed. Looking back I wonder if I would have been better off if I didn't go higher. This is because when those positioning started coming, I was afraid, I felt I wasn't good enough. I should have listened to my instincts then. Maybe, my instincts were trying to protect me from the dirty things I found.
My first act of rebellion or should we call this the reckoning of becoming an apostate was having a boyfriend. Then, I stubbornly left the choir, and finally left the church completely. It was crazy. I am summarizing my entire life for you right. The journey wasn't this short as I am writing. I am only trying to save you the headache of having to read through long paragraphs.
There are lots of dark things that are left uncovered in the church. And every time I think about it, I get so angry at God for allowing those hideous acts to exist in his temple.
I am the girl who gave her all to God and the church, and I was willing to let everything I have go for his sake. Until, I climbed the ladder of the church pillars and got to the closest spot, to the highest authority. At this spot, you get the chance to hear things, and most times see things.
In my experience, the things I witnessed, and heard, my child-influenced heart wasn't prepared for it. So, I couldn't stomach it. I left. I decided it was better to be worldly and the whole world knows than to hide under the shadows of the church and reek of hypocrisy.
Amazingly, even on this journey as an apostate, there are crazy trainings I received as a committed Christian that haven't gone away. The scripture, "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will never depart from it" speaks volumes in my life. There are things I can't bring myself to do no matter how hard I try. I still have some bit of the fear of God somewhere, I don't know where... But it's there.
One thing you should know is that even though I denounce my church, I hadn't completely left God. He is my boyfriend. That's the way I like to address him now. And that's because everything I am, I owe it to him. He is the one taking care of me. Every need of mine, he provides. I don't have a physical boyfriend. All of the things the physical boyfriends provide for their girlfriends, the Almighty lets me access by teaching me how to labor through legit means.
Every time it seems as though I have experienced a roadblock, I'll hear him whisper that all will be fine and that he will be here for me. Sincerely, he shows up without failing. Every single time. I don't know where or how I would have ended up if he didn't stick around even though I am mad at him.
He left one song for me in my head though. When I listen to it, I am reminded he wants me back, and all I have to do is reach out to him. And he will give me the world. I'll share it down below with you.
source
Now, question is, will I ever return to him?
Scripture reference: Prov. 3:13(KJV); Ecl.7:3(GNT); Prov. 22:6(NKJV).