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Growing up, making friends didn't become an issue to me. Sort of. Well, when I was in high school, I easily made friends by joining clubs and organizations.
Through this, I considered a sense of belongingness to my peers. However, this group of friends I had was the closest of my close friends. We became best buddies the entire high school year.
When I entered college, I met a new set of friends. My friends in high school still keep in touch but the fact that we no longer see each other that often, the friendship slowly fades away. The bond was no longer there and everyone was already busy with academics.
Meanwhile, in college, I met new friends and they became my best companions. We share snacks and lunch, and we also share answers in activities and exams. Gladly, we were all able to graduate.
Reality kicks in and so we separate ways and have our own paths to take. The group chat which makes noises every day slowly became a room full of dust and loneliness. Everyone was already busy with their jobs. Special celebrations were forgotten.
when I had the darkest moment in my entire existence. I felt like I was left alone. Nothing seemed to matter. I lost the sense of purpose. I hated myself. It was like everyone around me was having fun and enjoying the times of their lives. Then there's me looking at them from afar.
However, God gave me the signal that he's there always. It's just me who walks away from him. I didn't feel his presence when it seemed to me that I was living in darkness. That's when I realized that I was only looking at one corner of the room when there are 4 in total.
It meant to me that when life feeds you doubt, always remember that you will have the options. You are free to make choices. There are four corners of the room and one corner may provide you an easier way to get out of the darkness.
Persistent dark thoughts
When I was recovering, persistent dark thoughts always bothered me. Every day was a constant battle. When I see something sharp, my mind would think to self-harm and remind me again of why didn't I stab my chest. I dealt with it for so long. Although, I still have these thoughts come out rarely but I can bravely shoo them away and handle them with power.
I have managed to pass this through with the help of my extreme support system. They have always been there with me. It was just me who didn't acknowledge them. It was all my fault. I became too selfish and got consumed with my negative thoughts, but now I'm much stronger because to an extent I have been able to overcome my dark moments.