Silence…… while you just sit there staring off into nothingness.
“It’s okay, it’s really okay. I know what you’re thinking about. We’ve talked about this a lot.”
Finally, you say, “I don’t want to deal with this anymore. What am I supposed to do?”
“I’m not sure what to tell you. Why don’t you talk? I’m here. I’ll listen. Some insight is sure to come from that. You’re not alone with this, even when you feel like you are.”
“You’re the only one who sees me clearly, out of all the people I know. Last night, I told a friend that I’ve given up on society. She responded, ‘if you feel like that, you should go find a tall building and jump off’. I don’t know why she went to suicide as a viable option. I stared at her and told her that’s against my ethics. This from the mouth of someone, from all appearances, is well adjusted?Crazy.”
JUMP SPLAT
“That’s a new one. I haven’t heard that before. I wonder what’s going on in her world that she’s not facing, or talking about.”
“There’s no talking to most people these days, unless you want to have fluff conversations, argue about dust, or sing in chorus. You’re right though, what she said doesn’t have anything to do with me. It’s as you’ve described, there are things she doesn’t want to face. That’s a common human Achilles heel. This is one more reason pushing me in the direction of giving up on society.”
“You’ve lost more weight and you don’t need to do that. Are you eating?”
“I’ve been eating a lot less, even when I’m hungry. I don’t want to go through the motions of eating, so I put it off until I have to. What do I want to eat?Nothing. Eating is now a purely mechanical action to keep the body going.
MOVE ON
“Why is that?”
“I’m experiencing a general lack of motivation. I don’t know how to get motivated to pretend anymore. It’s causing me to choose to avoid conversations with most people and limit others to what is essential; essential services only. I mean, what’s the point in openly talking to people when met with judgments, personal attacks, expectations, rescue attempts, lack of interest, self-centred attitudes, denial, superficial fixations, and the outright crazy, such as that friend’s suggestion that I suicide myself? I’m better off alone without others, if all I have to choose from is Sweet Nothing.
Being alone and isolated from others of like mind wears on me. It has for a long time. I’m a classic ‘misfit’ in society, the ‘outsider’. I’ve pretended not to be in order to ‘survive’, but only to the degree the situation required.”
“This pretending that you do, it’s dragged you down when you’ve given in to it. Something has shifted for you. It’s obvious you can’t go back to life as it was, that’s all over with.”
“Yes, that’s all over with. I didn’t think I’d grieve like this. It’s the big picture of what it all means that’s causing a whole new kind of grief. It’s not about just me. That would be an easy fix.”
EXPANSION
“This grief, is it all encompassing, beyond your personal circumstances?”
“It is. I’m no stranger to grief. It’s familiar. This level of it expanding out beyond me and my personal circumstances is not something I’ve encountered before. Additionally, I’ve always had support when working through grief. This time I don’t have that. I feel isolated. I’ve only shared the details of this with you because it’s safe to do so. I need someone to listen, confirmation I’m not alone, and sometimes to bounce thoughts off of, so I can see what I’m missing.”
“When you have no one, I’m always here. You know that. What else is going on?”
“I made some difficult decisions recently. I’ve started steps in a new direction. Every step I take reminds me that I’m letting go of what was. Grief punches in and tanks my motivation for anything beyond what must be done in the moment. Then I have to pause. That’s how it’s been the last while. Step, pause, purge. Step, pause, purge. Step, pause, purge. Dangling in the dance.”
“You don’t want it to be like this, do you?”
“No. It’s not how I saw the rest of my life being, not that life before was without a funhouse of twisted mirrors. At that time though, I had options I don’t have now. There’s no point drowning in denial and resisting. I’ll have to work this through, piece by piece, as I let go and create something new.”
“What are you creating?”
“There’s no defined anything right now. I’ve moved into unknown terrain. I can’t describe it because I can’t visualize beyond the odd wispy whisper. I’m walking in the dark, feeling my way, looking for light to point direction.”
DIRECTION
All photos taken by Nine with a Pentax digital 35mm camera and 90mm Tamron macro lens.
