I think having high standards can be a good filtering mechanism against the chaotic aspect of interpersonal relationships.
For the most part, chaos is unavoidable to a large extent living in this modern world.
Sometimes we find ourselves in places and situations that we didn't anticipate or plan such as unexpected job changes or a family crises that pull us in directions we never saw coming.
Besides, people nowadays do sometimes also act in weird ways that seems to me a bit like being possessed by powerful subconscious forces that drive them to make choices solely based on social media influence or deep fears they don't even recognize themselves.
Another Lens On Fate And Free Will
It kind of makes sense that life happens to us as much as if not more than we believe that we can make life happen, in terms of exercising freewill and controlling our path forward.
I think both can be true at the same time when you look at it from the pov that we're a sum of the parts that make up a whole.
Through our actions we can influence the configurations or functions of the whole, which shows the exercising of free will, making life happen and steering our experience in meaningful directions.
But all of this is happening within the confinement of the whole, thereby limiting what's actually possible within the bigger systems we're part of.
I'm not sure if this completely makes sense but it's enough to at least grasp this balance between agency and constraint.
Now, back to having high standards.
Evolving Standards
A crucial part of maintaining standards against chaos is being of a high standard yourself and remembering that standards too change with time and experience.
For me, I view standards as the frontend for decision-making, with the backend being values and principles.
Doesn't our values and principles update as we gain more wisdom and life experience?
Continuing the frontend/backend analogy, I'd say the backend values are like the core operating system. Say things like honesty, respect, growth, compassion, integrity and other related qualities.
These might be developed or evolve slowly but they're fairly stable.
The frontend standards are more like the user interface, as in how we apply those values in specific situations.
What I've notice is that frontend standards can be updated more frequently.
When Values Meet Reality
As an example, when it comes to relationships, my backend could value genuine connection and mutual respect.
But my frontend standards for what that looks like in practice might shift.
Maybe I used to think respect meant never disagreeing, but now I understand it means being able to have honest conversations even when they're uncomfortable.
The filtering mechanism works because when someone consistently fails to meet standards that reflect your core values, you're more inclined to do something about it to protect something deeper instead of just being picky about it without any context to work from.
But here's the tricky part, in terms of maintaining standards without using them as emotional armor.
Because you have to keep checking that your standards actually reflect your values and aren't just fear or ego dressed up as principles.
Sometimes what we call "high standards" is really just a way to avoid the vulnerability that comes with real intimacy.
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