In my my last post I was talking about a skill that costs me a lot of energy. The older I get, the more restless I become. More and more time is spent on fixing stuff and making things better. It not only causes conflicts in my head, but also conflicts when other are responsible in fixing things for me (although it’s sometimes more than justified). But what good does it do, to never be completely satisfied?
A picture of me I never wanted to post, because the 2 plastic bags made it imperfect in my mind. But now I think, it really matches with the colors in the picture. And Peru was full of plastic bags. I am also trying to turn the tide here :)
Why not satisfied?
These days I am realizing more and more that I spend way too much time in fixing stuff. Unhappy with the quality of my pictures, mostly about sharpness. First I thought it were my eyes. True, my visibility was not ‘perfect’. I went to the experts and bought expensive glasses. My visibility was a lot better, but it gave me serious headaches. Conclusion, it might look beter and reading is easier…it only costed a lot of money and serious headaches. Now I put off those glasses after a certain time and start doing something else. The headaches after a few hours are a sign, not to spend too much time behind a screen.
Trying to make pictures better can be frustrating. There are so many tools for editing, mostly not free of use. I spent too much time to test and find the right tools. I pay a monthly fee for Adobe. I have an expensive camera set and 1 TB of picture material of all my trips. All these hours and money spent, what did it bring me? I didn’t earn money with it, it only costed me a fortune. It took me so much time to organize them, select them and edit them. If I would focus more on projects to earn money with it, it would be better. I appreciate all the compliments that I received and many people told me to do more with it. Why didn’t I do it? Because I am mostly exhausted. A few years back karma gave me a warning. A portable harddisk crashed and all my material was on that one. I went to different companies to recover it and I some point I was even ready to spend 700 euro’s to fix it. The result? The harddisk was too damaged to be fixed. I don't want to say I am too damaged to be fixed. I spend days to see how many data was left on other devices and memory cards. Many pictures and movies from my longest trip around the world and from the earlier days were gone forever. I accepted it at some point. But when I think back about the fact that all the time spend on that, could have been spent on something more fun…
The interest in photography started as a teen. I was always the one in the group of friends taking a single-use-camera with me to events (there were no digital camera’s yet). It was hilarious to look back afterwards at all our adventures during these events. Most of us were not able to remember what happend during these events, while they were far from sober. Later, during my study, I had to make a photography assignment. I had never used an analog camera (and also never used a computer before my study). I chose for night photography and the day before the deadline, the pictures came back from the store. They were so bad, nothing was sharp and all pictures were full of motion blur. I never looked at the long exposure and other settings. I am creative and used those 'bad' pictures. The story with it was about seeing the night when you are far from sober. Blurry and full of crazy movements. I received one of the highest grades…hilarious. I should have realized that this would be an important lesson in life: even when something is far from perfect, it can be all good.
I have always been a creative person with a rich fantasy. During high school years I got the highest grades in Arts class. I think in possibilities. I became a DJ for years and mixed vinyl. I created concepts. In several jobs I was the trouble-shooter and changed processes to work more efficient. In my private life I always had to be creative. In my younger years in surviving, because I came from a poor family. When I lived on my own, I had a lot of debts and other troubles…and I learned in these desperate situations, I am often most creative in finding solutions.
In my younger years as a kid, is probably the main cause for never being satisfied. Also as a kid I moved a lot. Changing schools, cities, homes etc. Never a steady environment or a group of long term friends. I was good in learning at school and already escaped in creating fantasy. I never mixed fantasy with the reality of life, it was a temporary escape during darker days. I became an outsider. Intense events in my young life. A dad that passed away when I was 5. At school I was bullied, I wasn’t good at sports (except softball and running). My mom didn’t allow me to do sports, she was overprotective. Being good in running might have saved my life in some situations. I didn’t receive any compliments at home. Nothing I did was good, and nothing I wanted was a good idea. I don’t blame my mom, she is just not used to it…her own youth was far from good. But I had the feeling I always had to prove myself…in a new environment, at school, at home. I kept that feeling during my work career, I always wanted to improve and show others that I am good in something.
Out of energy
If I compare my current energy level with the period when I was running an own business besides a full time job, it is a big contrast. These days I feel like a battery that it almost empty. Some days are good and then I feel fully charged. On these rare days I fly, I smile and enjoy life. I am like a bouncing ball. Being outdoors also seems to skyrocket my energy level.
Officially the ‘experts’ diagnosed me with a burn-out 5 different times. I tried to change my life-style after every time it occurred. But still, I feel like I have fully lived my life. Looking back at all I have done and experienced, it wouldn’t be that strange. My body is constantly full of tension and the brain doesn’t seem to rest. For years my average sleeping time per day was 2 hours. These days I need a lot more hours of sleep. But after 5 hours, my brain wakes up and starts running. The normal running I had to give-up already, it would be nice if my thoughts stop running constantly 19 hours a day…it’s like a mental ultra trail run.
You can compare it with a full glass of water. It's not that heavy to hold it. Something more important than the weight of the glass of water? The time you try to hold it straight in front of you. The more time that passes, the heavier the glass. The weight in the glass doesn't change, but it's the time you focus on holding it. At some point you get tired and you can not hold it anymore. It's the same with thoughts. The longer you keep thinking about something unsatisfying, the more stressed it causes. And at some point you are exhausted.
Recently I was looking into articles about perfectionism. It opened up my eyes. I was actually surprised why these things were never mentioned during several periods of mental healthcare research. Mental Healthcare (in my experience) likes to give you a label and tell you that you're sick and you need to take medicines. I never believed in that. But I totally agree in several positive sides of a perfectionist:
- You have a lot of discipline;
- You are a go-getter;
- You are reliable
- You are goal-oriented;
- You are very driven;
- You work very accurately;
- You have a great sense of responsibility.
But there are certain disadvantages;
- You find it difficult to make mistakes;
- Your stress level is very high;
- You find it difficult to hand over the reins;
- You focus on what is not going well;
- You work on something endlessly because you have difficulty determining whether something is ready;
- You are critical of yourself;
Reading about this started because of the paint job with my van. There are discussions with the ones responsible for this paint job. In my last post you can see why I was not happy as a perfectionist. I decided to fix the things inside the van myself. I am not an expert in the bodywork of a car and car painting, so this should be done be experts. One of the last memories of my dad was that he was painting his Mercedes by hand. WTF?! It was a Mercedes… After experiencing 2 very bad paint jobs with my van…also a MERCEDES! It must be a sign. Paint it by hand next time? I accepted the current state of the job. I did everything I could. For now, I will enjoy another roadtrip.
It's better to float in the ocean and enjoy the sunset, than spending time on tasks that nobody cares about (besides yourself)
What will imperfectionism bring?
Another roadtrip to an area in Europe that I already know. For leisure and fun, and also a bit for looking around for a new place to live. The last 3 years I’ve been looking around and was close to buying something, but it didn’t feel perfect enough. I was also distracted by other things that happend and soaked the last bit of energy out of me. I was helping others a lot and forgot a bit to focus on myself a bit more. This time it will be more focussing on my inner piece. I don’t want things to be all perfect, I can live with things less perfect and more relaxed. I wasted so many years in fixing things, while I could actually create new things. At least…I created a lot of memories. Do I feel bad about choices in life? Some memories can cause painful feeling and tears, but things that happend in the past, can’t be changed. Focus on now and a bit on the future. Accept things as they are. I’ve learned by now, that it is easy to change the environment. I should be happy with the freedom I have and the life that I live. And with certain time consuming tasks, I should ask myself if it’s worth it. Does it make life better and easier, then I should do it. If it doesn’t have any effect on more joy in life…leave it.
Getting back to one of the time consuming tasks. I am trying to keep memories digitalized, but nobody else really sees it. So it’s only for my own? When I look back on some old movies and pictures, it can actually give me a bad and sad feeling and I got a bit stuck in the past for a moment. I feel the emotions I experienced around that time. Is that what I wanted? Let’s continu life please…
And about those diagnoses from the healthcare experts? I haven’t really got a diagnose that helped me forward. They can't really find a cause. Fibromyalgia and autoimmune diseases...actually they are all caused by stress. Stress and tensions caused by being a perfectionist. Let’s see if I can turn the tide. Together with the right movement in daily life (not behind screens all the time), this should cause a lot more happiness. At least, that's the goal. Ahhh! fuck....goal-driven is a symptom of a perfectionist...