Those were difficult months, not only my relationship with coffee changed at that moment, but also my relationship with almost every drink and food.
I followed a diet that my instinct whispered to me, the doctors did not give me an answer, let alone a solution. Endless studies, they came to tell me:
"You are hypertensive."
"You suffer from heart disease."
"It's your thyroid."
My eyesight blurred, my heart felt like it was going to explode, my blood pressure went up to the stratosphere and I just wanted to feel good again, that was all, I did not care about anything else.
I had lost my peace and serenity that I had worked so hard for. I felt that it was nothing like what the doctors said, because it was so sudden, from one moment to another the symptoms appeared at any time but even more when I tasted any food or drink, whatever it was, just chewing or swallowing became a hell in my body and it clouded my mind because believe me with strong palpitations and with the tension through the roof you can hardly even think.
I partly blamed coffee because the first time I had similar symptoms I drank a big strong cup with a person who was obsessive about coffee, because love is one thing and obsession is another. Some obsessions can be dangerous.
Before the arrival of that person in my life I drank small cups of coffee, prepared with a moderate intensity. The first cup was almost always at breakfast.
With her I drank intense coffee, very intense, in big cups. I like the taste of intense coffee, I don't deny it, but it was something new for me.
Because of issues that got out of control with that person, living under the same roof, I began to suffer panic and anxiety attacks. The first episode was terrible, I felt like my heart was going to explode and I couldn't breathe. So much so that she thought I had ingested some kind of drug, it was not that, I assure you, but I almost had hallucinations, I saw her as a witch with a pointy hat and everything and a big wart on her nose, I saw that she was laughing at me and that she felt satisfaction in seeing me full of fear and despair.
Imagine, in the courtyard of the house, walking back and forth with your heart racing and your breath coming in short gasps, seeing blurred vision and a person looking at you, so relaxed, with a big cup of coffee in his hand, it's scary.
I blamed her and the coffee, her obsession with coffee and other obsessions. I no longer wanted them in my life, any of them.
A few days passed and things seemed to have improved, until it happened again, another panic attack, quite intense but milder than the first one, while I was drinking coffee with that person.
It was hard to get that person out of my life and out of my house but I did it, however, I was quite paranoid, I felt a bad energy nearby, although maybe it was just a product of my fears.
I was willing to recover the peace that had been darkened, however, the panic attacks continued and always came when I ingested some food or drank some beverage, only water did me good.
For many months I ingested only water, some fruits, coconut water and boiled vegetables without salt, no doctor prescribed me that diet, but that was the way I found improvement.
When my brother prepared coffee, I locked myself in my room and took refuge in meditation.
I was very afraid to take just a sip, I did not know if it could cause any unwanted effects.
Months went by and many things improved in my health, but there was a sequel with which I still suffer sometimes.
Little by little, I became reconciled with food. I have always eaten everything and nothing had ever hurt me, trying small amounts I noticed how everything seemed to have returned to normal.
With coffee it was a little more difficult, I think that at that moment I had created an anchorage that I had associated with panic attacks and strong palpitations.
I remember that I was left reconciled with coffee in the company of my mother. Due to serious health issues, she had also reduced her intake considerably.
One day I went to visit her and we were watching television. Suddenly I was provoked by coffee and I asked her if she also wanted some, she said just a little, so I looked for the smallest cups and prepared a very mild coffee for both of us, I ingested it without fear and it was good for us.
Since that day, little by little I became reconciled with coffee and, fortunately, now I can enjoy it without any fear about it, but always in moderation because I am still not totally sure what happened during those complicated months.
I try not to look for the whys but sometimes my mind plays tricks on me, I try to focus on being thankful that I was able to overcome that situation and that the light came back into my life, that's how I feel.
