Forgiving is one thing, forgetting is another. They’re not a package deal, and it’s sure as hell not a buy one get one free scheme. There is always this idea that to show people that you’ve forgiven them, you have to be willing to forget the fact that they hurt you. But that’s a very selfish opinion, because they want you to forget, not because of your feelings, but because it would make them feel better.
They don’t want to constantly be reminded of what they did to you, and they don’t want you bringing it up, so anything that remotely resembles it, they expect you to just forget it. It’s selfish, and it’s more of an avoidance tactic.
I’ve always told people, forgiveness is never about the offender; it should always be about the offended. That’s why it’s a choice. If someone steals your money, and as a result, you have to starve. They know that what they did is bad, but they did it anyway. And because you’re starving, they come to apologize, asking for forgiveness. What they’re feeling is guilt, and they need your forgiveness to make them feel better.
But it’s not your job to make them feel better. The entire situation should be about you, and the fact that they hurt you. It shouldn’t be about absolving them of all their sins and moving on like it’s all sunshine and roses between you all. So, if you’re not ready to forgive, then don’t. And you can also feel free to let them know your thoughts on that.
Of course, keeping such bitter feelings inside you is never okay. As I said, forgiveness is not about the offender, but the offended. Many times, we forgive because it’s the only way to heal and move on. We don’t want to be dragged down by the weight of the pain and hurt that has been inflicted upon us. So, we simply forgive and move on. It’s better and safer in the long run.
But then, should we also forget? No. You should never forget. As they say, once bitten, twice shy. Fool me once, and it’s your fault, but fool me twice, then it’s my fault. People should only get one shot at hurting you, and once that happens, they should never be allowed access to hurt you in that way again. You can forgive, but never forget what they’re capable of.
Back when I was in Owerri, a female friend of mine used to complain bitterly about her bestfriend who kept going after my friend’s boyfriends. As in, any guy that shows interest in my friend, the best friend would insert herself in, and pretty soon, they’d both have an affair. As in, this thing didn’t happen once or twice; it was like a pattern. Yet, she still saw this person as a ‘bestfriend’. They still hung around together and smiled like cheeseballs at the cameras. She still kept telling her about the guys who were approaching her!!!
Like, don’t you learn? As in, someone who does that to you can even poison you when you look like you’re about to have a big break. But you still chill with them, sleep in their house, and act friendly with them. It’s one reason I find it hard to sympathize with people who continuously associate with people who keep hurting them.
Here in Lagos, I know a guy who follows this particular friend to smoke weed. He’s not the owner of the weed; he just partakes in it. But every time the Police raid that area, they arrest him. His friend’s father knows the police, so they let him go almost always immediately. But they hold him and paint him to be the owner of the weed. And thus, he ends up bailing himself with hundreds of thousands. It will shock you to know that after several times, bro still hasn’t learned. Someone who has that kind of influence consistently refuses to get you out, but you still smoke and shine teeth with him as if you’re friends.
This is why when we say don’t forget, it’s for your own good. You can’t afford to forget how they hurt you, because if you dare do that, you simply open yourself up for worse. Once is always enough, because the more you go back, the harder it will be to find your way back when it becomes unbearable. There are stories you’ll hear that’ll make you wonder if people are just okay.
I heard the story of a lady whose husband often beats her. After every beatdown, she’ll run to her parents' home. After a while, he’ll come with flowers to beg, she forgives him, and then moves back to his house. Like clockwork. I also heard the story of a guy whose wife is quite influential in the street; and in any small argument, she’ll either call boys to beat him up or use the police to arrest him. Yet, he always goes back to her.
Honestly, I know that many people do take ‘forgive and forget’ literally. But not me, I can forgive, but I can’t forget at all. You can only hurt me once, but I would never allow you to do that to me a second time. Because then it won’t be your fault, it would be mine.
