The human mind and heart are two complex things that we would never fully understand because based on whatever situation they go through, they are always evolving and changing in tune with the environment they find themselves in. The mind is never caught off guard more than once. If it happens once, it mentally prepares itself for another time, and if it can’t escape that particular thing, it will brace itself for the attack. Thereby equipping itself to be able to withstand whatever blow that will be dealt to it. And in so doing, will be able to create a tolerance to it. If you as an individual is trying really hard to fully understand how the human mind and heart work, you will be on a long journey that may very well never come to an end. Because it is just as unpredictable as anything at all, and when it comes to these two parts of the human being, logic flies out the window. I was having a conversation with one of my friends earlier today, and the topic shifted to women. This guy told me he liked his girl being clingy and obsessive, wanting to monitor his every move and act. To his thinking, such a display meant she loved him and did not want to lose him. And it also meant she would not be likely to cheat on him. I shook my head. Like, how lonely do you have to be to wish for a toxic partner? Or what kind of person do you have to be for you to consider toxicity as a spec? Well, I let him know what I thought oof his spec at once. I take it that my friend does not really know what obsession means, and that was the reason he could say it so casually. I’ve been opportune to observe a relationship where one partner was obsessive, and it was just such a pain to watch. At first, it might look romantic and sweet. They don’t want to let you go, you are always on their minds and they are constantly in contact with you. Until they start trying to control every area of your life, suspecting all your friends of either cheating with you or helping you cheat. Everything you do will be met with a huge question mark. The tone you use to reply to their message, the way you smile at a chat that is not with them, the way you relate with others, even the way strangers smile at you― something that is not even within your power. They will want to know everything you do on social media and in your physical life, and if you try to keep any part of it a secret because of their prying, it would mean you are cheating and they will guilt trip you further. Eventually, there will be quarrels on almost every day of the relationship, fighting over petty things that should never even have been an issue in the first place. And you end up being the one to apologize even when you know you are not in the wrong. One thing such toxic people are good at is flipping the tables and somehow making you think that it is all your fault. No matter what they do, they will find a way to pin it on you. And most of the time, you’ll accept just for peace to reign. That is not love. As a matter of fact, it is the opposite of love. Because all this speaks volumes of lack of trust, how can you claim you love someone and yet you do not trust them at all? If you don’t trust them, why then are you still with them? It will amaze you though, how many people remain in such relationships. Abuse is not only when someone raises a hand on the other, it can also come verbally and emotionally. There are those who derive joy from talking their partners down and always seeing them at their lowest. There are those who are just sad people and are not interested in being happy, so they make everyone around them sad as well. Like, why exactly do people remain in toxic relationships? For some, you can argue that it is for the money. They have abusive partners who are also the breadwinners, breaking it off might be the same as taking food out of their mouths. So they stay. And this cuts across both sexes. And then, there are those who just love their abusers, and nothing that is done to them will ever make them leave. They are the kind of people that no matter what you advise them, they will still remain in the relationship, even if it is killing them. There are relationships some people will enter, and instead of moving forward in life, they’ll start going back. Relationships that will stunt their growth and limit their progress. I heard the story of a couple, the husband was complaining that whenever his wife got angry, he lost nothing less than fifty thousand naira. She would either smash the TV, or break his windshield, or ruin something. She would vent her anger on things that actually have lots of value. But then, ask yourself, how long do you think until she begins to vent her anger on her husband? Thanks to social media, we have seen multiple stories of husbands and boyfriends beating their partners to death, and wives and girlfriends killing their lovers. Does it mean that before this unfortunate event, they had no idea such a thing would happen? Did they really not know that they were with potential murderers? Were there no signs? As for me, I have no idea. While I believe that there will always be signs and patterns that will alert you to the kind of person you are with, there are also other factors in the home or in the environment that can bring out the beast in us. And many times, we would never see that coming. So, what am I trying to say here? Relationships are meant to be enjoyed not endured. While it is not a bed of roses, you are meant to go through the thorns with a supportive partner. Not the one that will use you as a footstool in their own selfish climb. You need to be with people who will trust you wholeheartedly, not be suspicious and wondering why you have to breathe through your mouth when there is nothing wrong with your nostrils. And if you are one of those that happen to be the toxic partner, you need to learn to do better and be better. Everyone needs their space, even in a relationship. While there should be no secrets, there should also be privacy so that both partners can grow properly. There is no scenario where toxicity worked out for anyone at all. So, my dear friends, work on yourself. Do not let anyone make you their patsy, using you as they deem fit. You have a voice, use it. You have will, use it. Love is between two people, not one person giving solely to the other. And if you feel that your spec is of the toxic kind, then I pity you. You probably deserve what is coming to you. Thank you very much for reading. Feel free to share your thoughts with me in the comments section below, I would love to know what you are thinking. Till we meet in the next post. Borderimage credit: @deimage.
Antoni Shkraba
Nappy
RODNAE Productions
Vera Arsic
Keira Burton
Timur Weber
