Toxicity is pretty much a common term in the 21st century and little wonder why? This generation is all about wokeness, mental health and not killing yourself. Daily you see youths losing manners and acting way out of character and it's called wokeness, people do despicable things that really hurt another - could be a friendship situation, and they don't bother to fix things or apologize but rather, they just walk away because their mental health is more important and they cannot come and kill themselves. For these reasons, society is beginning to normalize anomalies, accept the unacceptable and turn a blind eye to things worth calling out. The worst part is that people are watching and the ignorant and those who are less knowledgeable are learning these anomalies as the standard. All these little doses of unaddressed madness have cut deep into people and made up great moulds of toxicity in persons, leaving innocent people to be recipients and victims of these toxic behaviours.

The Story

My distant female friend had this close male friend who turned out to be a low-key nightmare. Low-key because he did these sweet things that would make you want to turn a blind eye to the other things he was doing that I considered very toxic. So I called him a low-key nightmare. According to my friend, it was a little romance episode. She got attracted to this guy and they had a one time romance episode that she just got carried away with. After it happened, she addressed the situation and stated clearly it wasn't to happen again. From that moment she said the guy started acting weird. It started with him frowning at her being friends with other people, to acting all possessive and jealous that he'll even frown at her speaking on the phone with a guy. Then things got messier when he was complaining about some of the things she liked to do for fun. The guy came off as though he was looking out for her but it seemed pretty controlling to me. Imagine not being able to eat certain things because a guy would be offended, would query you about where the money came from, why you're overspending etc. Isn't that slavery? It's different if someone is genuinely concerned about your wellbeing but coming from a jealous and seemingly possessive person, I doubted the genuinity in that behaviour.

While on the phone with my friend that night, I asked her what she thought of the whole situation and she said she didn't know that the guy seemed to care about her wellbeing and maybe that's just what all of his actions are about. This right here is the tricky part of toxicity. It's noteworthy that what is considered as toxicity is often dependent on the person at the receiving end, meaning that it's relative. That's because what I consider toxic might differ from what another person calls toxic. Also, there are some behaviours that are generally seen as toxic. In the case of my friend, she didn't think that a guy pointing out flaws in her friends was toxic when the guy in question sounded pretty shitty to me. She didn't think that being scared of purchasing sth meagre because an insignificant person who isn't even her partner would be upset or lecture her on how to spend money was toxic. She didn't think that sharing an insecurity with the said guy and having him make a joke about it was toxic. And to me, all these things were very much toxic so clearly toxicity is relative.

People often tell me that I overreact. This is just because I tend to address things as soon as they happen. I don't even leave room for unwelcomed attitudes to grow. While I understand with my friend that our emotions can make a mess of us sometimes, I still very much told her I believed she gave room for all the baggage that was coming with her so-called friend. It didn't take long before the guy started speaking to her insolently, trying to be in her business, she felt suffocated. Though she didn't initially think that the guy's intention was bad, she subsequently wasn't feeling free and happy so she agreed sth was wrong.

My advice to her was simple, lookout for whatever you do that gives this guy the liberty and courage to be able to interfere in your business this much. If you talk often, curtail it. If you tell him about what's going on with you, stop it. If you see him often, avoid that. You have anything of his that will warrant him coming to your space, give it back. Take control of your life, you're an adult. So she started withdrawing and they fell off.

Something I've got to learn from her situation is that when we're most vulnerable and in need of company, we won't see the bad things people are doing to us because we're so focused on the seemingly good parts which is all we want at the moment. It's like a girl feeling lonely and unloved and a guy starts giving her attention. She'll definitely prioritize that over looking out for flaws because she doesn't want to be lonely.

I learnt to manage my emotions and be very careful who I get to be vulnerable around. Also, I've learnt in life that what people don't know, they can't criticize. People will never be in your business if they don't know what your business is so as often as you can, keep shut. People are always hungry for information, feed them crumbs and save the whole meal for yourself.

Shalom!

^{Cover image created by me on Canva
I also know I'm behind schedule for this episode but I just really thought to participate regardless. I apologize 😉}

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