“If they don't want me to know, then I shouldn't”.
That's what I tell myself every time I find out that a loved one or friend doesn't want to let me in on certain information. They have their private lives and reasons for their decisions, so if they decide not to let me in, then I prefer to remain in the dark.
source
Whenever I notice that any of my loved ones may not be doing fine, I make it a point of duty to inquire about the problem. Sometimes, I am being told and even asked for opinions on how to solve that problem, but other times, my questions of concern are being replied with “Nothing”.
At that point, if I feel it is necessary I may decide to insist on being told what's wrong with them, or else I leave them to themselves to avoid making them feel that I want to intrude in their private lives.
I remember what happened between my younger sister and me when she was in junior secondary school. I caught her brooding on several occasions and when I asked what was wrong, she would shake her head from side to side and walk away. It happened severally and I became worried about it. On one of those days when I caught her brooding in the kitchen, I walked straight to my mom's room and reported my observation.
My mother then called her to find out what the problem was by herself.
It turned out that my sister was being bullied in school and she had been threatened not to report to anybody or else she would be beaten up. This young man who was her senior in school would take her pocket money from her and send her on errands or ask her to buy things for him with her own money.
She was so frightened by his demeanor that she couldn't say it to any of us. Even when my mother called to ask what the problem was, she wasn't willing to talk until she threatened to beat it out of her.
If there is anything I have learned over the years, it is to mind my business. No matter how much a person is hurt, if I attempt to find out what the problem is and the person is not responsive, I keep my distance and just keep asking if they are okay from time to time.
Another experience just a couple of weeks ago made me take this decision.
One of my close girls stayed away from our group meetings for some time and I started getting worried, my mom used to call me a ‘worry bag’ but I don't think that name applies to me anymore. I try my best to take my mind off certain things so as not to make mistakes like I made with my friend.
I reached out to her severally and even went to her house but she wasn't responsive. The day I went to her house, she was in there with someone but didn't open the door for me.
“You didn't tell me you were coming. I have a visitor now, please come back later” was all she said from the window. I was shocked to my marrows.
Prior to that time, I had called her several times, the other girls said she wasn't taking their calls too and I suggested that we all go to check up on her but somehow, the other girls were not available on that very day so I had to go alone.
When I eventually met her in a supermarket on one of those days, she asked me a question that hadn't left my memory. She said, “When you call someone more than once and there is no response what does that tell you? It's either the person is busy or doesn't want to take your call”
I felt hurt and even betrayed but she was correct. She definitely had her reasons for staying away from the girls for such a long time and since she wasn't willing to tell, it wasn't in my place to force it out of her.
Even when the other girls heard what she did later on and confronted her, she said that she didn't owe any of them an explanation because she was an adult just like they were. She even asked if she had ever poked into any of our private businesses or showed up at our houses unannounced.
Yes, we had it in mind to do something good because we were worried for our friend but it ended up badly.
If someone is going through a tough time or is being disturbed and they want others to know about it, they would be vocal no matter how long it takes them to share their situation. No one who truly wants people to know about their welfare keeps quiet about it.
Even if they end up not telling it to every single person that cares about them, they will say it to one or two persons who are really important.
So in order to relate with people without being intrusive, I'm of the opinion that you have to mind your own business. Go ahead to show concern but where your concern is abused or obviously not needed, then remain on your lane.