Everyone irrespective of age, position, status and all is going through one thing or the other. Life is hard, though there are times we laugh, we snap, make memories and all, but even during those times, we are still having some deep things we are all carrying inside of us, stuffs that are sometimes unexplainable. Anxiety has become a quiet companion for many of us, even though we pretend like its not there.
Lately, that which has been keeping me up at night is NYSC(National Youth Service Corps). It was something that's meant to be exciting, everyone has been telling me to make the best use of it and to most importantly enjoy the three weeks camp. Actually, I thought I had seen it all, and that nothing else can scare me after surviving serious health battles that almost changed my life forever. But here I am, pacing my room, packing and unpacking my bag, feeling my heart tighten at the thought of going to camp.
I think about the uncomfortable journey, I think of the stress that awaits me, I think about the environment, I think about the expenses, especially for picky eaters like me, I think about my health, my body that has survived enough battles and need a little more softness from life, I think about the endless drills under the sun, the lack of good water, the strange meals, the noise, the sleepless nights, and seriously, I can't help not being worried.
I think and worry about whether my body will hold up, most importantly, I worry about breaking down somewhere far from home, far from anyone who truly knows how hard it has been for me, I can't help but worry about losing myself in a place where you’re expected to be tough every minute, I worry about how much pretending I’ll have to do just to fit in.
Same way many of us are battling silent fears while trying to meet expectations. We smile online, we act brave, but deep inside, we are screaming, we are crying and praying for a change. I realized that anxiety doesn't always come because we're weak, there are times it comes because we have fought so long and so hard that even small things now feel like battles.
I plan to tackle it the only way I know how. Am already working on a medical report that I will have to take along, that would probably help me to get reposted somewhere near home, or it will help me to get exempted from certain exercises/sessions. Am sure it will work, it's not something that could be overlooked since it concerns health, but even with that, I still want to partake in certain things, that's how I believe I will enjoy camp, what I will just try to do is, I won't pressure myself to be the strongest, I will allow myself to be human, if need be to cry, I will, if there's the need to rest, I will.
I know my journey is different and surviving a lot already is proof that I am strong beyond measure. I will keep on reminding myself that I am not alone, that I am seen and loved because the opposite is what anxiety does, it tries to convince us that we are alone.
Many of us are carrying the same heavy fears in different shapes, and maybe, just maybe if we decide to be open about it and speak out, it will ease a little, maybe we should just try to be strong, even if fear seems to be holding us down, we should still try and stay courageous and keep moving forward and not stagnant.
All pictures are mine.
Thanks a lot for stopping by.