Some years ago, I discovered I had hirschsprung disease, that was the start of a change in my life, my life changed in ways I could never fully explain to anyone. It's one thing to be sick, it's another thing to be sick with something most people don’t understand, and judge you for it. That period wasn't fun at all, I spent years battling an illness that forced me into isolation.
Then, I was hospitalized, I was to be operated on, the operation was done and I lived with a colostomy bag for years. Try Imagining waking up every day knowing there’s a bag attached to your stomach that help collects your waste, the waste can't be controlled, it comes anytime(though, then I found ways to go about it), even though I know that it’s saving my life, people around me might see me/it as disgusting.
From one surgery to the other, and later, I had to switch to an ileostomy, that was another bag again. Another chapter of feeling like my body wasn’t still mine anymore. I even tried to be strong and smile through the pain but the stares, whispers and the silences were louder than my own voice. And then again, I became more distant, not that I didn't love people but I don't feel safe, I believe no one understood me, I wasn't normal afterall, so I isolated myself, I convinced myself that its best to, if people should find out what I was going through, they would leave, so why bother....
The day the final surgery was to be done, and reversal was to be performed, you would think everything will change amd things will get back normal. Though the sickness ended, but does the stigma ends...No.
Now I am fine and normal, but to many, I was that guy who had done too many surgeries, that guy with a complicated health history, that guy that isn't fit/strong enough..... and all. Someone was told. me she knows I am strong, and my future is bright, but that she can't handle my past..and what's that past......... Not that I expected everyone to stay, but I thought healing would make people accept me, that's wasn't the case though.
Stigma...its something that follows one as a shadow would, it makes one question ones worth, strength and all. Though painfully, I learn that healing doesn’t only happen in the body, It has to happen in the mind too, I stop shrinking myself to make others comfortable, I also remind myself that I am not my scars and my surgeries. I am someone who survived, and that’s something to be proud and not ashamed of.
If you’ve ever felt that sting of a stigma or being judged for whatever, want to let you know that you are not alone,.know that your pain doesn’t define you, what defines you is your courage to keep going and your decision to love yourself even when others don’t. The moment you stop hiding and start taking charge, that's the moment you take control. My experience has taught me a lot, a whole lot, it has helped to know who people really are, be more considerate, understanding, kind, appreciative and a whole lot. I had learn to love my body, not for how it looks, but for how it has carried me through fire and storms. I don't wait for approvals or trying to please people, I live for me.
Struggling with stigma? Talk about it, find people who don’t just tolerate you, but truly see you. Educate others when you can, but don’t carry the burden of always having to explain yourself, also make sure to set boundaries, don't allow the society silence you or your story and most importantly, protect your peace, it matters most.
I shared mine not just for attention, but for connection. If you are there, ashamed, feeling unworthy and all, just because of what you've been through, just look at me, I am a testament and a living proof that you also can rise again,. you can rebuild and reclaim your long lost joy and peace. You are not your pain. The world need to hear yout stories. Let people talk and wonder, just dont let them define you.
All pictures are mine.
Thanks for stopping by.