Growing up, I remember my mother always telling me, "Don't let anyone walk over you". Whenever I came home from school upset because someone had said something hurtful or tried to bully me, she would tell me "Next time don't cry fight back" If they hit you, hit back and if they talk you down respond with your own words.
I didn't fully understand the weight behind her words. I just thought my mother was encouraging me to be tough, to defend myself, but not out of love for conflict. I have never seen my mom in an argument before, all this coming from a peaceful and quiet woman. As I grew older I realised she wasn't trying to turn me into someone who fought, but rather someone who knew when not to stay silent.
What I didn't know then, too, was that my mother wasn't just arming me with words. She was protecting herself, too. She didn't want to be the parents confronting other parents over the playground issues. Instead, she raised me to speak up for myself and to know my worth.
I remember a time when my elder brother got into a fight at school with friends, I was a kid back then. Not long after, the mother of the boy he fought came storming into our house, shouting and raising her voice. I expected my mom to meet her fire with fire, but she didn't. She remained calm and said they are children and these things happen all the time. She then apologised on behalf of my brother, not because he was entirely at fault but because she understood the value of keeping peace.
Recently, my mom told me about a dispute between two tenants that occurred when I was away. A female tenant locked the shared bathroom due to her frustration with a male tenant who refused to clean it without informing my parents. When my mom heard, she was pissed, but she didn't raise an argument; she just walked to the bathroom and broke the padlock with her bare hands.
There's a saying: a fruit doesn't fall far from its tree. Truly I am my mother's child. Watching her over the years, I have seen her settle disputes with no back and forth but with intentional words and actions. It's no surprise I have grown to emulate her teachings. People always tell me I am always smiling and that it's hard to imagine me getting into an argument. And to be honest they are not wrong. I have had moments when someone tries to provoke me by raising their voice; I first take a pause to gather myself and help me respond with a firm statement that shuts down the argument.
I do it not to appear nice, but because if I don't stand my ground, they might feel entitled to override me every time. I like being clear and still command the respect noise fails to earn. I try by all means to avoid arguments because I understand the damage words spoken in haste can cause and how acting on impulse can sometimes make things worse than they need to be. There are, of course, moments when silence is the best answer when they are not ready to listen. In those moments I walk away not out of defeat, but out of wisdom. Settling argument is just about knowing when to speak, act and when to be still.
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