The thought of how it used to be and it is now is quite sad: the beautiful memories, the happy, sad, hilarious moments, the advice, gists and ideas then now seems like a dream. Still in the moment of accepting the fact, embracing the truth and moving on gradually at my own pace. Some things happen and you'd feel like there's no coming out, the thoughts wanting to choke you and very heavy on your mind: the only thing that I know works well is not running away from the carefully picked thoughts and accepting the fact so one could move on and maybe totally forget or no longer fee the hurt.
We've been friends since first few years in the uni and we even got to stay in same hostel. We things in common so it was hard to separate us or come in between us, friends that sticketh than a brother That's what we all were. So close that we could all share one person's bed back to back, stay in one room for weeks and only go to individual rooms when we need to bath and dress up. Every food is combined, we cook together, shared things together: the love among us was strong and obvious.
The support and care was divine and genuinely expressed. Though, I had a problem of not being able to express myself well enough, especially with words. I'd rather show with intended actions. It was an issue but I was changing slowly at my own pace because I am fond of doing things carefully and genuine, I hate pretending. So, if I don't feel I see no reason to fake it.
There is one thing that seems like a mystery, I and other person always have misunderstanding almosy every 3 weeks and I really could not wrap my head around the reason why it keeps happening. I mean we can be so hyper active around each other for two weeks but the 3rd week seems to not come without a misunderstanding. Guess what, it is always assumed or believed to be my fault. From my end it is actually a misunderstanding from the other party.
This continued for a long time and, in a way, created some misconceptions and wrong belief about me, ones that seems won't be debunked until everyone is ready to sit down and discuss. The last one misunderstanding was were I realized a lot of things, some were so hurtful, others were just plain realities I never saw before. Now, the misconception one person had has in a way rubbed off on others because that particular person is naturally influential in her own way.
Others aren't that close and free with me anymore, I see it and respect it too. I don't want it but if rather embrace it and let them be with the wrong beleif for as long as it will last, painful but that's just it. I miss everyone and our activities together but staying and being where one is highly wlecomed and wanted is the best place to be.
Seeing ourselves and knowing deep down things aren't cool is sometimes mentally stressful to think about. But moving. I have been embracing each truth and fact, working on myself because I am not perfect too and hoping for a better today and tomorrow.