Two individuals may be in love, in fact, with all the butterflies plus romance and still be incompatible. The challenge is, some of us decide to be blinded by “love”. “Since the first day I met you, I couldn’t get my mind off you, I think about every moment we’ve shared and the only thing that can settle my mind is calling you mine forever. I love you.” These and other romantic statements are good (formed by yours truly lol) but beyond the romance and smooth talk, what are your qualities, expectations, goals etc., do they align with your partners’.
Years ago, I failed to ask myself the aforementioned vital questions but was busy ticking off “my spec”, aka beautiful, intelligent, young, tall etc. (as a sharp guy lol). One of the things I’ve learnt over the years is that your spec may not be the best choice for you! I have dated a lady that has all the “spec” but I later found out our picture of the future is totally different.
Incompatibility is one of the major breeders of toxicity in relationships. You discover that both parties are subtly pursing a different purpose and once there is no alignment friction shows up. When you start seeing each other as enemies or hindrance to your desired goal-this is a toxic companionship! Instead of working together you start working against each other!
I was meant to relocate to a country abroad in the year 2020, I have finished all the processing and all I needed to fix. Normally, visa approval for the kind of route through which I applied, is totally sure! But at the very last minute, my visa was denied! I had a girlfriend then (now my ex) who was with me for close to 2 years. The visa denial opened a toxic chapter in our relationship!
I and my ex-girlfriend met at a store and afterwards met at my workplace where I was the manager. We exchanged numbers and had our first date. The first day I saw her, I fell in love with her because she was all I wanted, she had a good shape, my desired complexion (I’m not selling this, no please, lol) and all I mentioned earlier (aka spec). Due to my “love” for her, I failed to ask vital questions about her deepest desires, values etc. I focused on making sure I am her spec (tall, dark, handsome and the likes winks). Little did I know that she agreed to be my girlfriend because she got to know I had plans to travel out of the country!
After the visa denial, I saw a different lady, complete opposite of who I fell in love with. She started nagging unnecessarily, keeping secrets, she doesn’t talk much unless she wants to start a fight etc. All the toxic flags almost got checked (kindly add yours in the comment). To cap it all, she started cheating on me with an elderly man who was in the health sector in the UK! Right here, I got the whole message of what went wrong and decided to part ways. Surprisingly, she never agreed until I involved elders (mentors) and also relocated to another area far away from where she’s always known (measures had to be taken, don’t blame me).
I have never and will never lay my hands on a woman. But one major attribute of toxic relationships is domestic violence or abuse. Hello men and ladies, if he raises his hands at you, leave and if she always provokes you to an extent where you just want to always hit her, leave! The latter was my case. Self-evaluation, especially the ones coined from people close enough to “judge”, is a good way to measure your personality. I have always known myself to be gentle, even when I’m angry, I try to remain calm and communicate my feelings in order to proffer solutions. But this case is different!
Just as I advise people, I and my ex got the counsel of mentors before going our separate ways. You can consider seeing a counselor or if you have a mentor like mine, it’s something to try out.
Later in life I found someone and still made the same mistake because it all happened so fast (hey I just met you, this is crazy, but here’s my number, so call me maybe… lol yeah that happened!). I had a therapy and a special counselling session after this experience but what I discover on this journey of love is that one keeps making new mistakes and keeps learning every single day. I resorted to staying single until I enter another well of love but I have told myself to always make a clear list of expectations and be sure we are compatible before making my intentions known, I’ll come as a friend, get to know you, remain friends or enter the ‘love well’. I am currently beside a well! Don’t ask how many ‘love wells’ I have fell in (runs away lol).
Kindly drop your thoughts. Thank you.