Yesterday I got the Hive Learners Monday post prompt.
I sat there for a bit and thought how on earth should I answer this? The idea is plain: I get kidnapped, I talk the kidnappers ear off for 25 minutes and become so annoying that I get dropped at the side of the street. What do I talk about and how have I become so knowledgeable about that topic.
(source: Dall-e)
Now this is a really tough topic for me to write about because I'm fairly well read about a number of topics. However, in order to ramble on about something I'd not only need knowledge about the topic but passion to talk about it in the face of kidnappers.
I know a lot about Pharmacy and Chemistry as I've worked as a Pharmacist for 30 years and studied Chemistry and Biology in University for years. Could I talk about that for 25 minutes? Probably. Would it be boring? Probably. Where would I start the conversation though and how would I make it irritating enough to get me dumped at the side of the road? I just don't have the passion to ramble for that long on this topic.
I know a lot about the Bible and Christian theology. I've been a Christian for 48 years and read the Bible and tried to learn about it for most of my life. Now unlike some people who quote chapter and verse I will admit that I strive to understand the Bible rather than memorize the Bible. Again, I could start rambling about how the kidnappers are sinners and need to repent from their sin and follow Jesus. I could ramble about the world being broken and needing a savior. However, would I be willing to treat something dear to my heart as meaningless prattle to get me thrown from a kidnappers car? Unlikely.
Now I could also talk about my family. I could talk about environment matters and global warming. I could talk about economics and how to save money on taxes. I could talk about consumerism and the fall of society because of social media. In the end I don't think I'd talk about any of that stuff and here is why....
When your wits are your only weapon
If I was kidnapped I'd want to hold any advantage that I may have from my kidnappers. I'm not physically strong. I'm not agile. I'm not skilled in combat. I'm getting old and brittle. Physically I have no advantage over my kidnappers. I am observant. I am able to keep calm under stressful situations. I may be able to find a way out of my situation by using my wits. However, the more intelligent my kidnappers think I am the more wary they will be.
In that regard I'd want to make the kidnappers think I'm as dimwitted as possible. If they are thinking they are dealing with a mentally challenged individual perhaps they will let their guard down as I would pose no threat to them. Think about the character "Forrest Gump" from the movie of the same name.
A possible outcome would be something along the lines of :
"Me: Wow! You're going to ransom me for a million dollars? That sounds like a lot more than two. My Daddy often says "I don't give two shits for that stupid kid" and I think a million is a lot more than two. I don't think my parents have that much though. I can only count to ten... 1,2,3,5,6,7,8,4,9,10...but I hear papa arguing about number with mama a lot
Kidnapper : Why isn't 4 after 3?
Me : I don't know. My papa just says 'never get up 'fore 9. Momma says never 'fore 8 so I'm not really sure which it is"
or
"Ohh... are you Jesus? My momma sometimes cries and hopes Jesus takes me to heaven before her 'cuz she doesn't know how I'll survive on my own. Are you Jesus? Are you here to take me to heaven? I think that will make my momma happy. But I hear the heavenly father is there. I'm kind of scared of him 'cuz my my father speaks with his fists and if the heavenly father speaks with his fists too I think he will be scary. I'm hoping Mama Mary is around 'cuz I like momma"
or
"Kidnapper: What's your name?
Me : What name do you want? My hospital name, my momma name or my daddy name?
Kidnapper: Just give me your goddamn name!
Me : Well, my mama calls me her softboiled egg but that's long. The hospital calls me Uran.
Kidnapper : Well, I think your a worthless sack of shit!
Me : Wow! You must be Jesus! You know my Daddy's name for me without me even telling you. Well, mostly your nicer. He says I'm only a worthless piece of shit. You called me a sack which is bigger. You must like me more than papa. Thanks Jesus"
(Yes, Dall-E again)
Hopefully the kidnappers think I'm worthless and stupid so I can focus on using my wits to get out of the situation. Side benefit, if I'm focused on acting and making a persona then I'm less focused on how scared I am.
In short there was something I read in the book "Roots" many years ago. A captured tiger who fights valiantly for freedom will find that his captors bind him tightly and treat it very cautiously. It will never escape. However, the tiger that acts docile and waits patiently will lure its captors into complacency and finds its time to escape
Now my first thought on dealing with the kidnappers would be to act as if I was mentally challenged, lived in a shut in life with my abusive parents, and had a psychological disorder which required constant medication. The goal: If my kidnappers think I have no value to even my parents how would they get random money? If they think I'm mentally unstable and just as likely to harm myself as them it would make me someone they just didn't want to keep around. I mean who really wants to hang out with the crazy person???
But that didn't follow the heart of the post prompt
But the prompt wants me to talk my way out of this situation. To ramble on and on about something so dull that my captors want to ditch me at the side of the road.
In that regard I'll follow the saying
If you can't dazzle someone with brilliance....
.... baffle them with bullshit!
So in that regard I'll take my cue from Red Dwarf (Sci-Fi TV Show).
In the show one of the characters (Rimmer) is incredibly annoying. One of his hobbies is taking photographs of telegraph poles.
Hmm... If I must ramble on about something to my captors.. how about posts on the road. Power poles, telephone poles. lamp posts, street signs etc. Really what could be more annoying than going down the road and hearing.
"Ohhh, that's a nice electrical pole
....ohh and another
.... and another
..... and another
.... Ohh.... I think that one is a little bit taller than the last one why do you think that is?
.... Ohh... that one is a lightpost. See it has a big lightbulb at the top. Did you know that there is a light sensor on some of those to tell them when the sun is down? But usually the city just puts them on a timer. In the old days they used to have to be lit because they weren't electricity but burned natural gas....
... Oh look at that one, it seems to be a little crooked. Maybe a car hit it.
... Oh that one is propped up by another pole. I wonder what the sister pole is called? Maybe that's its name? Is that sexist? Maybe it should be called a brother pole....
Of course I really don't know that much about the poles in question but then again I doubt any kidnapper would know enough about them to question my ranting. I'm pretty well assured that any road we travel on would have an ample supply of poles to comment on. Plus if there aren't any then I can lament the lack of poles but how maybe they have underground wires which.....
Now you may think this is random but really it isn't.
First: By talking about something as stupid as poles I'm certain my captors will take me as an idiot. Great. I'm happy they are underestimating me.
Second: By pretending to be interested in something stupid I can actually focus on important things like where I'm going. Landmarks and location and other possible useful information about the route and place we are going.
Third: I will likely annoy the people I'm with while not giving them a direct reason to kill me. Annoyed people are more likely to slip up. They are also more likely to hit me, gag me, or throw me in the trunk but hey the post prompt said I had to be so annoying they want to dump me at the side of the road.
End result: I'd ramble about electrical poles. Absolutely useless information with an endless supply of source material.
Of course I'm sure you have better ideas
...but thank you for listening to mine.
As always feel free to drop a comment or two
....and here's to hoping that no-one actually gets in a situation where they would have to try this likely terrible idea. Humor may be a strategy to employ but try to read the kidnappers as being fluid is vital. I will stand firm on one point though : "Don't give in to fear". Fear will cripple you when you need your wits the most. Fear will rob you of joy and a little humor can lighten your mood even in the most dire circumstances.
Thanks again for taking the time to read this. Always appreciated.