This weekend I went to visit my sister and my stepmother on their ranch. I don't go up there often and I went with my son as it was his birthday recently and he wanted to reconnect with his cousins.
When I arrived it was obvious that my son is a very capable young man now. I got complements from my family on how well he turned out.
But here is the question:
Do I deserve the praise?
Sure my son is doing very well now, however, if you go back five years he was certainly on a downward track. If I deserve the praise now did I deserve derision then? My parenting style hasn't changed. My love for my son hasn't changed. Am I a good parent when things go well and a bad parent when they don't?
In my opinion it is so much more than that.
It is much more complex than that
That's my son there riding a horse for the first time. He had loads of fun doing it.
He got on the animal without fear. He held on bravely when the horse decided to go on a gallop for no good reason. He didn't fall off even after a couple of rounds around the field. Overall everyone was very impressed because those are excellent traits.
Who my son is now is a mix of every interaction he has had over his life.
- The teachers who taught him well at school
- The kids he played with on the playgrounds
- The people who taught him music, judo, taekwondo, and more
- The volunteers who helped at cadets and youth groups
- The influencers he watches on his phone
- The friends he has had come and go through his life
and so many more.
Sure as a parent I see him more than most of those other people. However, he learned a lot when he was at cadets and also met some friends who led him down the wrong path.
At his current job he has learned a lot of good habits from some of his coworkers and some bad habits as well.
But can I blame anyone for particularly bad or good habits?
At the heart of it, things lie with my son
Sure I'd love to take credit for the man he is now. If you ask him he will probably tell you that I'm a huge part of what he has become. If you ask me who led him astray as a teenager I'd point to some other kids in cadets.
Honestly though I am going to say that in the end it comes down to a huge interplay with many many forces. In the end it all comes down to one person...my son. He choses who to listen to and who to ignore. He chooses which path to choose for every action he takes both positive or negative. In the end he is the one who will be held responsible for his decisions.
Do I have a helping hand in that?
Well, I like to think so but I won't take credit for his success. I also won't take the blame for his failings.
He is who he is because of who he has chosen to be
There are some exceptions to that of course
There is a saying that "Man plants the seed, but only God can make it grow". I think the same comes with children. Just as a farmer may take credit for a giant pumpkin or beautiful flower....really all the work was done by the pumpkin or the flower!
But.....
The farmer can neglect the crop and it will struggle to thrive or even die. Also, the farmer can provide a better environment and improve the plants chances for success. So, if parents directly sabotage their children I could hold them responsible for their kids bad actions. Also, if the parents provide a loving and caring environment I could give them a few extra kudo's for giving their kids their best shot.
In most cases though I think there is a big interplay between many many factors in deciding what the outcome is for any given situation.
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To sum it all up. Many parents like to take the praise when their children do well. They want to shift the blame if their children struggle. In the end though, the parents are just one voice amongst a myriad of others in the development of their child and the final praise should go to the child himself if he grows up strong and true.
Just my thoughts and feel free to give comments or feedback :)