It was around this time last year that I broke down while driving along Udo Udoma road and wept like I had lost a twin. My days were just okay and while I sometimes enjoyed doing nothing much except read, eat, sleep, do a few lawyering work and tour places, I felt so lost and purpose-less.
There was a void in me and a restlessness that could not be explained. 2019, while being a beautiful and easy year for me, was also the year I felt the most dissatisfied with my life. I should have been happy because everything was okay, and I was just easy-breezy enjoying life but the void in me nearly drove me to insanity.
So just by the roadside, I parked the car and wailed. I was not crying, I was weeping; the kind of tears that come from a deep part of you, you had no idea existed. I could feel my soul tear apart and my heart break into such tiny pieces that at the moment felt gone forever. After crying for so long, I tried to start the car and it died on me and another bout of tears overtook me. E was at work and I could not call him, so I reached out to my parents. I remember repeating the words “I am lost, I am drowning, I am lost…”
I felt bad trying to verbalize why I was dissatisfied with life. It was as if I was an ingrate. I had a full glass but the water in it was not just doing it for me. For God’s sake, I was not in lack or want, I had love in abundance, I had things I was building that I could call my own, strictly, and I mean everything just clicked YET I was so lost and empty.
I wanted things to be more than okay. Okay was not good for me. There was more to being than okay. And I knew deep within me that God planted this yearning in me that I first was resisting.
And so I finally gave in to my soul and wept.
I needed that dissatisfaction because it pushed me to waking up and being more firm, decisive and focused on the things I really wanted. I had a role to play in that void.
It was that dissatisfaction that made me reach out to the people that could help me, especially in my professional and personal life. It was a beautiful defining moment for me. I intentionally went asking for help.
It was that dissatisfaction that pushed me to remembering that beyond the new identities and roles I had worn, I first belonged to myself. I was everything to other people, except myself. And it is so easy to get lost in the identities and expectations that people have created for us.
It was that dissatisfaction that made me guard my time more, especially with the people who wanted a bite of what I knew/had but attached no value to the things I was sharing, as it was offered free. Like many people will testify, from that period till date, I really do guard my time and energy.
It was dissatisfaction that made me realize that I could do more, and I should do more.
I love how with life; we are given so many opportunities to start again or to wake up and continue.
There are days now that so many activities overwhelm me, but then I remember that dark place I was. I will not complain (okay, I might complain small) about the load and volume of work that is on my plate currently, because this is exactly what I prayed for last year.
Beyond just working or having things to do, there is an excitement and a deep satisfaction that drums in my soul. I am not doing many things and I am not everywhere, but the very few things I do are meaningful and solid.
It had to take me breaking apart to gather myself back again.
I am still putting myself back together, daily. I have gotten my ‘why’ and the rest of the how and the when is taking shape.
And I will keep putting myself back together for as many times as life demands I do, whenever I break apart. Again and again.
I now know that it is a big blessing to have to fall apart, to have that call within you demanding that you push forth and do more, especially when you are settling.
Do not resist this righteous call from your soul. It is life changing, I promise you. Others might not understand, but this will be a fight for your life.
Above all, I'm grateful for a life of fulfillment