Let me explain...

So, as I have mentioned in a previous post a while back, for the last 4 years or so I have been living with an acute anxiety disorder. This is something that I've been struggling with on and off since my late teens, however it somewhat inevitably became a major issue for me during the peak of the corona virus pandemic and subsequent lockdowns. For a lot of people suffering from mental health illness, lockdown was just a little bit too easy. It gave many of us the time away from relentlessly draining schedules and the ever increasing pace of modern day life that we so desperately need in order to recover. Unfortunately, as time went on this break led to the formation of increasingly damaging bad habits. Whether it be the ease of interacting with friends and family via video calls or the convenience of ordering all one's products online, eventually the time I spent outside of my home dwindled in to non-existence.

Four years later, several courses of therapy, as well as many ups and downs, the state of my mental health is still incredibly limiting in terms of living the kind of life that most people would see as normal. For the last year and a half I have been limited to evening walks with my dog Alfie, usually around 11pm onwards, when the town is empty and I'm usually the only person outdoors. I needed this time to rebuild a basic level of fitness, as well as to re-familiarise myself with the town in which I've lived but not seen for many years. I'm happy to say that as I have kept pushing on my journey towards recovery, these evening walks have become a largely enjoyable part of my routine and a valuable release valve for the occasional stresses of family and work life.

As my little night time adventures with my furry buddy have gradually evolved in to a more comfortable experience, I've been more able/willing to push a little harder. Consequently, a few weeks back on a lovely sunny day I decided to try for a daytime walk towards my local reservoir and nature reserve that I used to frequent when my then dog(s) were puppies. Again, not a big deal for the average person but for me it represents a huge step forward, as well as a leap into the unknown. Daytime means people (especially on a sunny day), it means other dogs (I'm protective over mine as he's only small) and for the reasons described it means the inevitable struggle against my illness and it's dreaded symptoms. With all of that in mind, I realised that the only way I could turn this idea into action was to say "Fuck it!" and step out of the front gate.